Module 10
Courage-Based Goals
Courage-Based Goals
introduction
The Courage-based Goals process is like no other approach to goals you have come across! It's specifically designed to support those of us with self-doubt and you can use it again and again for any kind of goal.
There are three coaching tools for every Goal:
- Courage-based Goals
- Courage-based Plans
- Taking Courage-based Action.
The first step is to choose a Goal - I recommend this is something you can complete within 30-days.
If you have a bigger goal - see if you can split this into several goals that last around 30-45 days. This helps you create momentum, stay in relationship with your Goal and enjoy the satisfaction of completion. Do ask for support with this!
I highly recommend spending no more than an hour watching the videos, choosing a Goal and making a start on your Plan.
As you are taking action, you'll be meeting with the different aspects of your Healthy Adult Self: self-belief, self-acceptance, self-worth and self-trust. And your Protector will be popping up. So we'll be working with the tools from the Self-belief School programme.
Please do share your Courage-based Goal in the discussion forum! Ask for support at any and every stage of this process.
Self-belief Schoolers
The discussion forum is where you can ask questions, share your thoughts, learnings, confusion and breakthroughs about this Module.
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Module Five
I think I’d like my goal to be finding a right-fit job (flexible hours, good pay, remote-work, excellent work culture). Something along the lines of administrative/operations/project management/client support. Especially for a technology or tech services company as I am pretty passionate about people who make cool things.
There is not a particular career I aspire to, I aspire to do work that will allow me to maximize time with my family. So really, this goal is all about providing more financially for my family without burning myself out or feeling taken advantage of, and without cutting into my ability to be there for my children and their sick days, days school is closed, appointments, etc. However, I am highly education and have been the director/manager for programs so things that are minimal pay are upsetting as they throw away all my experience and skill.
So maybe, in 30 days:
- I could find 3-5 jobs a week that I think I might enjoy and fit these requirements.
- Perhaps have applied to 5+ of them?
As I am making no money currently (the contract work I was doing has ceased) and we do need more money now – I’m currently applying for substitute teaching to fill in the gap while I look for longer term, right-fit, fulfilling work.
Any thoughts on this? Seems complicated. IDK.
Lovette, I can see how many factors are running through your mind here (love the image!).
I see you taking one step towards what you ‘should’ want, but then undercutting it with what you don’t want or putting a condition on it. It’s like you talk yourself out of options as you go.
Can you tell me about the work you would like to do?
What would be fulfilling and meaningful for you?
So this is a bit tricky because I have fulfilling and meaningful work as a stay-at-home-parent. It is my greatest ambition to maximize the years I have with the kids while they are children. Work is just a side-gig for me to enable maximum family time.
I feel I have to put particular conditions on my work search so it doesn’t cut into what I really want to be doing with my life, fostering a happy and healthy family. Having not come from a one of those, it takes everything I’ve got to grow, learn, and embody something entirely new for my kids and hopefully, future generations going forward. I need paid employment though but do not want that work to cut into my unpaid “real” job. I’d like to go get us some money in a way that isn’t dehumanizing, disparaging, nor draining for me. In my experience, work has been all those things.
I’m turning 50 soon. I had loads of career time and education before I had my first child at 38. Before children, I used to be in ministry (though my beliefs have radically shifted) and nonprofits. I loved helping people find their own way in a time of transition but I no longer enjoy doing that for work. I find that fulfillment and so much more in parenting. I quit working full time when my daughter was about one-years-old because I felt I was missing out on too much with her. I was the breadwinner of the family at that time and had a coveted director-level, highly visible role in the community. All stupidity which took away time from gazing into her sweet little face. If I have one life to live, I’ve got to be around my sugar lumps as much as is humanly possible. They are my passion.
I did run a financial literacy program at a private university for a year, not long ago, in an attempt to “go back to work”. I hated all aspects of it because, I had no more “mom-ing” energy for my own family when I came home. It’s like I used up my heart and soul for a thankless crowd (for horrible pay), and had nothing left to share with the people I love most. I want to do work that isn’t high impact on people’s lives, nor intimate in any way because that is too draining for me on top of parenting.
The job market has few positions that even have a positive work culture much the less flexibility for work-life balance. I am very resentful to employers who would cut into my ability to take my children to dentist appointments or not permit me to be home with them when they are sick. I do not want to be self employed. I’ve tried that and it fried me extensively to wear that many hats. I have chronic illnesses and mid-life level energy – it would be very hard for me to work 40 hours a week and have energy left over for my children. There must be a way for me to get creative within these constraints.
This context is so rich Lovette – thank you for sharing.
It strikes me that you are so clear about how much your family means to you, and specifically how important it is to have time engaged with your family. And I completely agree with you that we can get creative within the boundaries you have.
What if your Courage-based Goal is about getting to a place where you are feeling ‘work-ready’?
So you have a good idea of the kind of work you are looking for in your next role, but also clarity over how you want to be in relationship with your future employer and colleagues.
How does that feel to you?
I have a bigger goal to offer online group therapy and/or courses for children with mild speech difficulties. I have done some preliminary work for this, I love the offer and I have a good idea of how I want the first group to run.
For my 30 day goal I was thinking: Enrol 5 people into the first round of my online group. This has been the thing that brings up my self-doubt – the part where I need to enrol people. Once they’re enrolled I feel less doubt about my ability to actually run the group. I noticed that my predicted emotions once I have enrolled people will be excitement, commitment but also relief, which doesn’t strike me as a great one.
My self-doubt says: It will be hard to find 5 people to participate, People prefer 1:1 therapy, I could probably find one person but 5 is a stretch, If I do it with 1-2 people I won’t get enough feedback/learn enough to make it better the next time, Nobody will sign up for a December start and January is too far away…blah blah blah.
My healthy adult self tells me: There are people you already know who are suitable for this, who knows how many more there are? Maybe lots! You have always attracted clients. This is something worth pursuing even if it’s hard.
My protector loves to ask what if you fail? while my healthy adult self asks what if you don’t?
I just remembered…back when the pandemic hit I did offer an online group for people who stutter. I had all the same doubts and I didn’t get any signups. This is a very different offer that I’m much more enthusiastic about and there would be a larger potential pool of clients (says my healthy adult self, ha!) but I can see why my protector has stepped in here to stop me from repeating that experience. I’m not joking, I literally only remembered it now when writing this post, but my protector clearly hasn’t forgotten.
Nasreen this sounds so juicy!
I would definitely keep going with this and create your plan – once you have your Big-assed List of Tasks you can decide if you want to rename the focus or we can split it into two 30-day goals.
I am getting to know you Protector as you share and it feels like it is very invested in protecting you from failure. One of the things that can happen with a sensitivity to the risk of failure is that we get binary – all or nothing. We go all in or we quit. We get five people or it’s a ‘fail’. Does that sound familiar?
You might want to do a Belief Biography (M2) on this one! It’s a great way of exploring all the beliefs and memories and experiences related to a single Protective Belief.
You could also do a Meaning Making Map (M4) around your past group – just to really capture that learning.
Great stuff!
Ok, off to buy some coloured post-its (no I’m not procrastinating…!)
Hmm so I can do the belief biography by thinking about this belief and figuring out what memories may have triggered that? Whenever I read/hear about other people with this fear of failure they have had strict parents/high expectations/instances of being ridiculed or punished for failing. I struggle to “blame” someone else or a particular memory. Somewhere along the line I interpreted things to create this belief without anyone else’s help, ie. it’s actually my fault – eek!
Well, often our risk sensitivity is a culmination of interpretations of many situations.
It can also be caused by our interpretation of opposite experiences!
So if over your lifetime, you’ve had praise and validation and that has felt really bloody great (it feels so good to be acknowledged and celebrated!) there may be a sense that anything different will feel unbearably terrible.
I feel like I’ve unearthed a treasure. I did the Meaning Making Map as you suggested and turned up an extremely unhelpful meaning that I made: people don’t want me as their speech pathologist unless they know me or know of me personally. This comes from me being a non-native speaker with a foreign name. Which is not an issue at all once potential clients call me and talk to me on the phone, or meet me in person. Also not an issue when I have been recommended by someone else (the source of most of my referrals). So the idea of approaching potential clients to invite them to work with me bumps up against this belief. And the whole idea of expanding my business to work with more people via online programs and in-person workshops means that of course not every participant is going to know me, speak to me personally or know someone who knows me.
While it’s helpful to unearth that belief, where to from here? What else could be true: most people know as soon as they talk to me that Italian is not my first language and it’s never been a problem; I have had several clients who have worked with other local speech pathologists and not been happy with them so have come to the non-native speaker instead; my colleagues in the public health service refer to me; I am often recommended by other health professionals who have never met me (!).
I suppose this belief is protecting me from putting myself out there and being rejected.
Your Protector is so sophisticated at masking your worry behind this logical idea of a language barrier 🙂
So when the protective belief begins to disintegrate, we can expose the real reason for the belief – and it sounds like there is something here about the risk of rejection.
If you have a belief that it was about your name or a perceived language barrier, then you have a logical reason for someone not working with you.
When that goes away, you are left with all the other possible reasons. Including that they didn’t like you. Your Protector is likely to be on the lookout for this.
I wonder if you could rate your sensitivity to this risk in this context out of 10 for yourself? If it’s high (over 6) we can play with that a little more.
If it’s lower, you might just want to make a list of all these fabulous reasons that clients DO sign up with you! Notice how these beliefs make you feel – that’s likely to be a really motivating emotional state to be in.
Great work!
Hmm I think my sensitivity to people not liking me in this context is pretty low, say a 3. But thinking about that has clued me in that I am sensitive to the risk of people thinking I’m not capable/good at my job – that’s more like a 7. For example, at a conference a few years ago I wanted to ask a question and I couldn’t do it in front of a roomful of colleagues, the fear was too great that they could possibly think I couldn’t speak Italian properly if I stumbled on my words or mispronounced something and therefore I couldn’t possibly be a decent speech pathologist. But at that very same conference I approached different presenters to ask questions face to face, I introduced myself to new people (I went on my own and didn’t know anyone) and made life-long friends, I created a chat group to keep in touch with others and we still send messages or have videocalls at least once a month!! So maybe this fear of judgement is specific to large anonymous crowds??
That’s such a great distinction – the risk/protective belief is around how others perceive your competency. And it sounds like depending on the content, this may be more or less pronounced.
I am wondering if this insight helps you to see other places where this belief shows up in your life?
Hello I’ve been reviewing my October and I was struggling to come up with a helpful belief to counter this risk around being perceived as incompetent. I don’t know how to word the protective belief here…something around not exposing myself to my peers, or feeling vulnerable professionally. When thinking about a helpful belief, I thought something affirming what I already believe and focusing on my clients (this program is for them after all) rather than my peers/anonymous others would be useful. Such as “I am great at supporting parents” “This program plays to my strengths” “I am the best person to deliver this kind of program” (that last one sounds overconfident when I read it but I do actually believe it). Thoughts?
Love this Nasreen!
It sounds like you’ve got that protective belief in your first sentence! ‘I can’t be seen as incompetent’
How does that land for you?
It’s so great to notice when it feels a little stretchy to believe the helpful belief. Especially as you have a really sophisticated protector – it will be responding to that stretchiness!
This might show up as choosing a helpful belief that looks good but feels too stretchy, or choosing one that you do believe but your protector says isn’t stretchy enough 🙂
I really like your helpful belief of ‘I am great at supporting parents’! You could tweak it to ‘this programme is designed to support parents’ (this creates a little space between you and the programme).
Or something like ‘I am learning to deliver this programme’.
Which one feels good to you?
Ok! Yep, “I can’t be seen as incompetent” is the protective belief. “I’m great at supporting parents” feels good as a helpful belief precisely because it’s about me. And, when I see it next to my protective belief my protector says “well that doesn’t counteract perfectly enough” 🙄 Guessing that it’s better to have it be believable rather than too stretchy, and just acknowledge that I can hear my protector but I don’t have to change it based on what they say.
Hello Everyone-
My Overarching Goal is Financial Sobriety. It doesn’t sound like much fun but it is so essential to my well being- seems like much of the stress in my life relates back to my complicated (understatement there) relationship with money which is a stand in for so much else (self care, self worth, fear of abandonment, letting myself and others down, disappointment and more!).
I’m trying to find a 30 day goal that sparks some enthusiasm (lower bar than joy). I’m finding all my tasks are one or two steps and done tasks. Could a 30 day goal be to pick 10 or so of the tasks??
My Protector the Critic is trying to protect me from accumulating evidence that I’m hopelessly financially irresponsible on my way to irredeemable insolvency. My Critic is good at thinking in EXTREMES!
My Protector is telling me not to assess my actual financial situation because what I’ll see will kill me- I’ll die of shame, embarrassment, guilt, my worst fears of dying alone impoverished are indeed accurate, I’m just like my mother when it comes to all matters financial, I am constitutionally unable to create and adhere to a spending and savings plan; it will be too uncomfortable to have conversations over supporting my children less-conflict avoidance at all costs says the Martyr Protector))
What else could be true? I have financial baggage from my childhood. I am financially sloppy. I live within my means. I left a marriage that was supposed to provide financial security in retirement. I have put money into retirement accounts including at my current job.
Thanks for your feedback!
xxx
Mary
You’re right about it being essential to your wellbeing! You came up with some great responses for what else could be true. I worked through some money stuff a couple of years ago, after being “good with money” all my life I felt like I lost some of that when I moved to Italy and dived into completely different financial circumstances and became much less autonomous in financial management. I really didn’t want to take a deep dive into our finances and see just how much money had gone where – cringe!! But after going through the discomfort and shame I could build a different relationship with money. These days, far from hiding from my finances, I nerd out using an app that shows me exactly how much I’m earning and what I’m spending on. Cheering you on as you tackle this one!
Mary – I bloody love this direction of travel for your goal! I really want to acknowledge you for choosing something so juicy here – it feels like an opportunity for so much healing.
In terms of clarifying your goal, I am totally with you on improving on Sobriety! And yes to enthusiasm – always 🙂
As Nasreen shares below – this is absolutely about well-being. Which is a great name for your goal by the way!
With goals that are to do with an aspect of well-being, usually, the outcome we are wanting is sustainable, supportive habits. The things you do regularly to take care of yourself.
When the goal is tangled up with lots of protective beliefs, it can provide lots of opportunities to heal! So there might be a bit of a longer-term focus on your Financial Well-being – healing those beliefs and developing habits that really support your relationship with money and wealth and caretaking of YOU.
Then your Courage-based Goal is about setting yourself up to focus on financial well-being. How does that feel to you, Mary?
My goal was initially to start a podcast where I review books I’ve read, but after working through the playbook – I’m not so sure this is the best avenue. So now I’m back to self doubt, and not really knowing the way forward or if this is something I should do.
Taking time to think about things, instead of just barrelling ahead, always creates self doubt for me. The more I think, the more uncertain I become. I hate planning things!
In fact, whenever I’ve tried to stop myself to plan – I just gave up, and would walk away. It’s just easier for me to go with my initial excitement and deal with the consequences later (which are often nonexistent or mild).
Some coaching might help. Or I can just do whatever, and see what happens.
But it’s hard for me to keep momentum as well. So I have a lot of energy, but once I break out my routine, everything falls apart immediately and it’s hard to get back into it.
I’m excited for this, but also ugh!
Hey Tatiana – its good to see you here – I love this share so much and I’d love to support you to find a goal you can complete 🙂
This is such a cracking insight into how the Bystander protective pattern gets all tangled up in our goals. Overthinking leads to doubt which leads to giving up. And it makes so much sense that to combat this, you ride the wave of excitement and energy until it inevitably runs out. So it can feel like whatever you do, you end up in the same place.
Then it’s easy to see how you can conclude all kinds of stories about not being good at planning, following through or bringing goals to life!
Does that sound right?
I want to reassure you that I see you doing a great job of trying to protect yourself from whatever risks come up as you are bringing this goal to life.
With the Courage-based Goals approach, the idea is to set you up for success with self-doubt, when momentum runs out, you have a messy day, or you don’t want to!
Can you say more about your podcast idea? What is it about this that matters to you? I’m also curious to know why you have decided it’s not the right one, if you’d like to share.
🙂
I actually initially wanted to do my podcast on the same topic (erotic art) but gave up on it ages ago. But I started reading erotic books, and saw that there is so much to choose from!
When I started on the playbook, I started thinking of the entire ecosystem of art (movies, comics, games) and became overwhelmed that a podcast might not be the best place for all of these topics (ie when reviewing comics, you normally share images for example).
So then I thought maybe I can have a blog, even though blogs are dead now. So then I got overwhelmed by all the avenues, and didnt want to be bothered.
But as I’m typing this I realize I can just focus on one type of art and then figure something else out after….
Anyway. I really like podcasts though I’m currently interested in nonfiction topics. I dont even like to read other people’s reviews (except on goodreads and only after I read the book already).
Your Protector seems to be very good at talking you out of every idea you come up with. Is that a pattern?
If so, this is the perfect place to work through that 🙂
The idea of a Courage-based Goal is that you take an idea to completion – even when there are (inevitably!) challenges to figure out, and self-doubt rocks up with all the reasons why not to do it.
But there are always going to be reasons to not bother. I mean, why do anything?
So what if we broaden your fab idea out a little and call it a 30-day creative project where you share your thoughts on erotic art?
One of the actions could be to decide if this is a visual or an audio project. It’s just 30 days. You get to put your energy into this and see what will happen. You’ll get to meet your self-doubt and apply everything you are learning here.
What do you think?
Thanks for sharing Tatiana! We are learning so much about these patterns and I personally find it helpful to read other shares, often they give me new insight into myself. I have definitely had occasions where I barrel ahead almost too afraid that if I don’t just throw myself into it I’ll never do it. Differently to you, I like planning but I can often get stuck there, which I guess is why sometimes I choose the first option. Good luck with choosing a goal that resonates with you 😊
I thought I’d start a new thread because this is a slightly different topic, something that came up on the coaching call with Lisa (who I would tag if I could??). My goal is to sign 5 people into my new online program and when Lisa offered that the goal could be less binary ie pass/fail, you sign 5 people or you fail type of thing, my Critic spoke up loudly saying that anything less specific was wishy-washy and a copout and wouldn’t actually get me to where I want, ie with 5 participants. We had a great discussion that lead me to thinking about alternative measures of success, such as discussing this program with lots of people, testing out different ways to find potential clients for the program, which are definitely things I am aiming for with this goal so they are valid measures of success.
This morning I was firming up details around the program, including start date which was giving me drama, when I had a light-bulb moment: There is absolutely no need for these 5 people to start together. I want 5 people to go through the first iteration of the program so I can see how it works and make tweaks, but it is essentially an individualized program. This removes the “I need to have 5 people to start” drama, and the pass/fail of enrolling 5 people by a certain date.
So my question is, do I keep my goal as “enrol 5 people into my program” ? Thinking about a 30-day goal, that one is possible for sure, but an alternative could be “start one person in my program”, which fulfils my desire to actually start the program, which is not all there ready to go. I’ll be finalising each lesson week to week as the participant/s move through the program so I can make real-time adjustments. Thoughts? I’m leaning towards the alternative goal of starting one person in the program…
I really love how you are bringing this to life Nasreen – and this is exactly what happens. You start the process and you have the lightbulb moments and the setbacks and it comes to life as you are taking action with it. Bravo!
Yeah, that pass/fail criteria is catnip for a loud Critic. I imagine your Critic had lots of judgey thoughts about it 🙂
It’s such a creative option to keep this as an individualised programme and it sounds like this is quietening down the drama.
What if the 30-day goal is more broadly about bringing your programme to life? Then you can think about all the ways you would share it, invite in participants and then deliver it? If you have 5 – great, and if you have one – brilliant – the main goal was to bring it to life.
How does that land for you?
Wonderful!
So the next step is to plan – it’s a super simple process – just write down all possible tasks you can think of and then assign each task to a category on your plan. There are four categories based on how you feel about each task: Doable, Easy, Uncertain, Risky.
Top tip: Notice if your Critic has ideas that something ‘should’ be Doable for you when it actually feels a bit Uncertain. Go with how you feel today.
You want to start with one Easy task. Use your 30 day plan to track progress.
UPDATE: I spent most of the month not taking much action at all on my courage-based plan and in fact not looking at it. BUT, every time I guiltily thought about it, my beautiful goal of “bring my program to life” popped into my head. This definitely helped me to do some stuff, and once I got going (for example outlining the videos) I developed some momentum in that specific task. At the beginning of the month I offered the program to a person who came for an assessment and she wasn’t keen, preferring to do 1:1 therapy. After a moment of “see this program is not appealing” drama I remembered of course she wasn’t interested, she specifically came for 1:1 therapy for her child! She’s not the kind of person who would want this!
With Bring Your Program To Life (this month!) on continuous loop in my head I spontaneously offered it to a current1:1 client to “complete” his therapy, because it seemed like a good fit and getting one person in was mega-accountability for starting to film the videos! She said yes, so in a roundabout and unexpected way I have met my goal, in part thanks to the power of declaring it and having that voice in my head. This is just the beginning, but worth a celebration methinks 🥳
I am tottering around in my mind wondering wether to go with an ‘internal’ or ‘external’ goal, and which goal feels right for now, and what I should put my focus on whilst I am able to get coached have this opportunity to be supported. I know this is delaying and indulging in indecision so that I don’t have to just pick one thing and start.. I have a whole list of things I want to change, develop and focus on in my life, but I am trying to hone in on things that will be do-able for 30 days which feels overwhelming (!)
Here are a few ideas I have:
- Feel nourished: focus on a meditation and movement practice that feels supportive at every stage of my cycle.
- Develop my physical strength and muscle.
- Have a clear date and plan for our wedding
- Develop ideas and a roadmap for a podcast
- Let myself to explore and get curious about what I want in life and why I want it
I typically tend to lean toward ‘internal’ goals, and I have found I have made some really big leaps in my self development from them, but I tend to shy away from ‘external’ goals. I think this is partly because I find internal goals are much easier to stretch and manipulate how I want to interpret my progress with them, rather than actual measurable steps. For example, earlier this year I set myself the goal of: ‘Create new connections with people
& nurture existing friendships’ and I followed it through and believed I met my goal, but I also think I might have made it easier for myself – or that it was a bit of a cop out.
In writing this, I am also wondering if this even matters – if I meet a goal and feel happy about it surely that’s enough, and it doesn’t really matter how I measure my progress and ‘to do’ list against it… hmm.
Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated!
Yes, definitely trying to choose the ‘right’ thing. If there was no right thing, then I’d focus on the goal of having a clear date and plan for our wedding; but then I feel like that is something I need to do in partnership with my finance, rather than a solitary goal.
So instead I think it is a mixture of feeling nourished and getting curious about what I want in life: almost like allowing myself space in my week to really pay attention to where I am in mind and body and to properly ‘check in’ with myself. Does that make sense? I am trying to word this as a goal.. What do you think?
That’s great to know 🙂
And of course, you can absolutely create a goal in partnership with your fiance. I do recommend for this first one, that you choose a goal just for you – then we get to play with your self-doubt along the way.
So yes getting curious about what you want in life – that makes total sense. If I remember right we talked about this on one of the group calls – is that right Hannah?
It may well do – and that you have identified this, is a great sign to me that you are on to that protective tendency!
One way to give your goal a little more concreteness is to consider the desired outcome of this goal: ‘getting curious about what you want in life’ (and by ‘life’ I am thinking your work life – is that right?) – so what would this give you?
My goal is to make 2-3 photos for my larger project that I can be really proud of. I have already created versions of these and I want them to have a more refined look. I am pretty sure this isn’t (entirely) perfectionism because I don’t need them to be technically perfect; when I make something I really like, I feel it right in my heart. I want that feeling.
Some things that have come up for me this week: a feeling of tremendous sadness and questioning myself about whether I will follow through and take consistent action. This was before I made my plan, but I want to note that so I don’t forget. At the moment, I am feeling a combination of sadness and hope. I’m trusting that I will complete my small actions this week, which are: make sure my batteries are charged, listen to a breathwork meditation on creativity (both easy), and gather my project notes in one spot (doable).
The breathwork task brings up another question: if that is something that supports my project but isn’t actually working on it, does it “count”? My feeling is it does, and I know I get to decide, but I am curious to hear ideas about this, especially since I procrastinate. And if I decide it doesn’t belong on my task list, I can do it anyway. Bonus! 🙂
Here is another struggle: I get overwhelmed whenever there are a lot of moving parts or sequential steps. For example, I have a small walk-in closet in the entry of my small apartment where I keep anything related to creative activities. Organizing that is on my list as a “risky” activity. I have organized it once, but it needs more. I can work with it as-is, but I find that the less cluttered I am, the more pleasant working on my project is. But when I start something like that, I *really* get overwhelmed because it’s like one of those plastic puzzles where you have to slide the pieces around, or maybe chess, which makes my head explode. But maybe this is also my Protector being clever. Because getting my closet uncluttered and looking beautiful is a good thing, and I believe it would really help me, but I also don’t want it to hold me up, as that is another project in itself. I would love to hear any ideas around this.
Susan, I am delighted to hear you are using this process to play with your creativity! You are sharing such great questions here.
One thing I want to reflect back to you, is the examples of your discernment that you are sharing here: that feeling in your heart when you know the image is right for you – knowing that this is about your creative expression and not perfectionism – this is your healthy adult self in the form of discernment.
I can also see your discernment showing up in your question: does it ‘count’ when its not actually working on your goal? Every goal will involve a mix of passive and active tasks. The passive ones are usually about things that support us to be active – things like meditation, reading about the goal, learning about how to do something. A good mix is about 30% passive and 70% active!
Your Risky task is also curiosity around your response – is this your protector, or is it actually your discernment?
My sense is that this is your discernment – you are really clear on the helpful belief: the less cluttered I am, the more pleasant working on my project is. It just sounds like the actual organising of the closet storage is not your favourite! I am imagining it’s like an Ikea thing where you have to put it together.
How does it feel to ask someone to help you with that? It could be a friend or it could be a Taskrabbit service? Notice how that approach feels in your body. Does it make the task feel easier? You can get it done that way 🙂
Thank you, Sas! I love the affirmation about discernment. Super helpful to know the 70/30 mix, too!
As for getting help with organizing, I do have a friend who is really good at that. I was at his house last month and he opened a kitchen drawer to show us how he’d organized it. He as so proud! And best of all, it looked beautiful, no plastic, just bamboo dividers. I asked if he would be a consultant for me, although he seems to be super busy these days.
The idea of figuring out what to do with my stuff and how to arrange it makes me tense and jittery. And the image of my friend’s kitchen drawer (and even my socks and underwear after I Marie Kondo-d them) slows my breathing and makes me feel more centered. Getting help with this makes me feel warm, in a good way, and both literally and figuratively.
Thanks again!
Dear Lisa – and you other lovely ladies from my circle 🙂
I am reallly sorry butI will probably miss the session today as I am traveling and experiencing massive delays 🙁
this is really a shame since I feel I would absolutely need help with developing a suitable goal but hopefully will be able to do so through the discussion board…
have a great call and take care
Luise
The group coaching call this week was super helpful in shaping my goal – thanks Lisa and everyone who shared theirs 🙂
My goal is to start to build an honest and loving relationship with myself through daily journaling.
I have thoughts and stories to entertain others but what if I kept some to myself? What if I let myself explore my own thoughts and desires and let myself be honest about what I like and what I want (in private, to myself)?
My protector says:
- Does it matter if nobody will see it? If is isn’t for anyone? (but me, who doesn’t count!)
- What if I am honest and somebody else reads it?
- There’s no way I can put what I think and feel down on paper, have a written record that I won’t be able to deny if challenged!
(That last one was a big one, do I really want plausible deniability for my whole personality??)
I’m waiting for my healthy adult self to weigh in – will spend some time this evening working through the rest of the questions in the playbook.
When I think about this goal, my Healthy Adult Self says:
- You don’t want people in your life who would reject you if you stopped performing for them.
- Nobody who loves you would!
- Sharing more of me will build connections.
- A good first step towards being more open and non-judgemental around others is to practice with yourself.
- You deserve it – it’s not just practice for others.
- You deserve love and attention. Your ideas are interesting and worth exploring. Your experiences are valid. Your feels are not embarrassing.
- You are not Too Much.
- When you/the world feels too much, you can hold yourself.
- Your relationship with yourself is special and sacred and deserves all the good stationery.
I feel so moved reading about your Protector and your HAS, Kate. These parts have lots to say – they are both wanting the best for you (in very different ways!).
In terms of your Courage-based Plan – because your goal is about repeating a task, you might feel like you have a three-task plan! I encourage you to list out the topics you want to explore and reflect on with yourself. Some topics will feel more tender or risky than others. Don’t forget to include the things you really like about yourself.
You could also use different means to explore – maybe use an oracle card deck, or just google ‘journal prompts for self-discovery’ 🙂
A book that you might enjoy: ‘The way of Integrity’ by Martha Beck.
Such a beautiful goal, Kate!
Hello Everyone!
I’m struggling with my courage goal of financial sobriety. I really thought I would feel so much pride and relief as I accomplished these tasks (which do seem to keep leading to more tasks). I actually have done everything I said I would do and then some leading up to the final task of moving my accounts from my previous community to my present community. I am feeling deflated and a little nauseated to be honest- kind of like a hang over from my drinking days. I thought I’d be on a dopamine-induced roll and be ready to tackle the final task. My Critic Protector is having a field day with “I haven’t done enough because I haven’t tracked discretionary spending for a month”(which was not on my list of tasks because I’ve tried to do that and failed a number of times and I was going for a win) and “My discretionary spending habits are the leak that will sink this boat” and finally “I am just like my mother- want it, buy it- no impulse control.”
What else might be true?
I am not like my mother. I have no debt other than my car loan and mortgage. I do live within my means.
I have struggled with tracking of expenses. It’s boring and slows me down and I get caught up with not doing it perfectly and finally give up. I have tracked my expenses for up to at least 2 weeks at a time which is an accomplishment. I am looking into a budgeting/expense tracking app which might be helpful the next time around.
It’s November 1st- could try again starting today…..
It’s my first year in an old house and I have had unexpected expenses and I still have covered them all.
My cats have had really big veterinary expenses this year and I have managed to cover those too— and they are both doing extremely well thank goodness!!
I am very grateful for the financial means I do have and have received. I have a career that nourishes me and provides an excellent livelihood.
There are lots of financial stories and feelings connected to money (which is also a stand in for security, self care, responsibility and love) from my childhood which makes this a place my Protectors feel obliged to step in.
Thank you for reading this. Really need to reach out this morning as I am feeling overwhelmed by my quest for financial sobriety and trying to engage in Module 6 too.
xxx
Mary
Hello Mary! It’s so good to read your update. And everything you are sharing sounds like exactly what happens as we bring a goal to life 🙂
So not so much of a dopamine high, as much as a bit of a trudge through making changes. This is always peppered with breakthroughs, lots of tedium and the occasional need to slay a dragon! All to say – you are doing great.
Something that comes up for me as a read your share: don’t be so hard on yourself, lovely. You are doing great.
Remember the purpose of Courage-based Goals is not to get everything ‘right’ – it’s about the process of completing something AND being compassionate with yourself as you do it!
You have taken loads of action – and we are only a week into this. That’s so great! It sounds like this is surfacing some of the beliefs that prompted the goal – this is exactly what tends to happen – you are doing really well.
I see you challenging your Protector with some really helpful beliefs. I love that you are able to do this – its such solid evidence that your healthy adult self is right there with you:
- You live within your means.
- You are not like your mother (you have grown up with someone who had an unhealthy relationship with money – your is patently more conscious otherwise you would never have chosen this goal!)
- You’ve covered your expenses this year
- You have financial means from work that you love
Bloody hell Mary this is so brilliant! This IS a win. I wonder if those beliefs are starting to feel real to you?
Does it feel like its the tracking of expenses that is a bit of a drag for you? That seems to be the one sticking point from your share! How can you make this less of a drag?
I also wonder if renaming your goal would be of help? I can totally understand why ‘sobriety’ feels like an important sentiment. The thing about sobriety is that it can feel like there is no room for slip-ups and setbacks – your Critic Protector is going to love that.
While we don’t need alcohol, we do need money – so it’s more like our relationship with food! I wonder if it helps to think of this as more like establishing healthy habits? Maybe something like: Establishing Financial Self-care or My Financial Well-being Goal would feel a little more supportive?
Hey Sas– thanks so much for your response! Can I call my goal “My trip to Sas’ Greek Island”?
I think I’m going to think of my goal as Financial Nourishment.
That’s what I want from my relationship to money- that it is a means by which to nourish my sweet life and dreams not a tool for bludgeoning myself with shame and self loathing which is how it is currently working.
I found an app called Simplifi which is going to automate 99% of the tracking for me! I’ve cancelled 2 subscriptions today so the money saved more than covers the cost of the app.
I really appreciate your comments that healthy adulting can be a bit of a trudge at times (despite moments of adrenaline fueled dragon slaying) and that does not indicate that I am doing anything wrong.
Thank you Sas for suggesting I let up on myself and have a laugh.
Going to get my nails done to celebrate!!!
xxx
Financial Nourishment – HELL YES. That sounds so much richer and more compassionate.
‘I am nourishing my sweet life‘ is a helpful belief to practice all day long 🙂
I love how you are trading off with yourself – adding this new app and letting go of your subs. Notice how that feels to you.
Yes to getting your nails done. Massive yes to your Greek Island adventure!
Hi Mary, I totally get where you are coming from with a complicated (understatement! 🙂 ) relationship to money. What you wrote in your initial post above rang so true for me, how finances are tied up so much with my feelings of self-worth and dependability.
Reading about the development of your goal – from ‘Financial Sobriety’ to ‘Financial Nourishment‘, and all the steps you have taken, and all the insights you have had, and the ways in which you are now recognising the AMAZING work that you are doing rather than only seeing things you don’t think you’re doing/doing right – has been so inspiring for me. It’s like I’m watching a metamorphosis. And just like a caterpillar/butterfly metamorphosis, I can see that you are still very much YOU, just developing and changing and (it seems like) coming into this self in which you can truly fly. Well done you! I hope you can keep seeing the really positive and fantastic ways that your HAS is able to support you and keep you going. Best of luck as you keep on keeping on!
Mary, I just love this evolution of your goal. Financial nourishment gives me a warm hug kind of feeling. And yay for finding a way around the task that was dragging! So good to see how this is progressing for you and how your HAS is showing up with those supportive healthy beliefs. You’re doing so great!
Hi Sheena 🙂 I also had to think a little about rewards. I decided to go with what brings me joy, nourishment, and fun (as need more of them also) so what I have done so far: a couple of hours mosheying around charity/vintage shops, watching a Korean film at the cinema on a weekday, eating at my fave Thai place, having an afternoon nap…what makes it more of a reward is doing them on my own and during the work week when I am meant to be working on my business/ticking off my to-do list, and with no guilt attached (well trying anyway)! x
Hi Li-Yeng, thank you so much for your reply! These are great suggestions! That is such a useful way to think of it as well – something I can do on my own and planning to do it during the ‘working week’.
Sounds like you are progressing well with your goal and rewards! Thank you so much for sharing xx
So I finally had the time to sit down and think about my goals or rather what that could be. I know I am very late to the party, but hope you will still find time to help me out in determining what would be a good and manageable choice here. As mentioned, I am currently travelling with toms of delays and time zone changes, so I am quite jet-lagged and hope I manage to write this down in an understandable way…
As before I found a lot of inspiration in the posts from all you lovely people, so here are the options I think I could/should work with:
Option one would be finances.
Like Mary, I have a very problematic relationship with money. My biggest fear is ending up destitute and homeless under some bridge – quite dramatic, I know, but this really keeps me up at night. And even though I am not close to this scenario, it haunts me. Especially now, with inflation running wild, all the headlines about the economy collapsing and on top of it all losing my job for the second time in two years due to cost cutting measures I feel extremely worried. On top, I am having a lot of shame and guilt issues around money as well as beliefs as to ‘how I am bad with money’ and I would really like to get this under control or rather get rid of these beliefs and face my fears and get to work on my finances or my mindset regarding money and how I handle my financial situation, because from ignoring them, it will never get better.
This ties in with a second goal option I am thinking about: the ‘job issue’.
As mentioned, I lost my job just recently for the second time and even though I know it has nothing to do with my skills it really gnaws at me, and I take it personal.
But most of all, I put a lot of pressure on myself in the search for a new job – I also did this last time – because I keep thinking, if I do not get this right now, I will never have any career or recognition or – yes – money at all and it will all be downhill from here – again, quite dramatic.
At the same time, I am not sure what I would really like to do jobwise and if the field I am in – Marketing – is even the right one for me. This also has to do with the fact that I never studied it, and just kind of ended up doing it in the first place, so there is always doubt if I can really do it well. Even though I have been doing it for ten plus years.
In both cases I feel like my self-doubt is keeping me from progressing, both in the form of the bystander – I need to know more before I can make this super big decision, and also the scape goat in a big ‘the whole world is against me and there is nothing I can do about it’ way. Again, not taking responsibility for my situation and changing it…
I hope this makes sense in any way and you can help me figure out how I could determine which would be the ‘better’ option and how I could break it down into a manageable scenario to work with.
Thank you so much and hope I will make it to the call this week and also manage to catch up somehow…
I am over in the US cheering you on. You are so courageous for being willing to face either of these areas!!! I completely relate to your doomsday scenario of ending up homeless under a bridge. All the years threatening and scaring myself with that spectre did not change my relationship to money the way working in this program has. No matter what your ultimate goal is, I trust we will all encourage and help you- I hope I see you in our Group Coaching call tomorrow with Lisa et al. ❤️❤️❤️
Mary
Marie-Luise, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading your share – just for the record, you are never going to be late to this party 🙂
I am struck by your life circumstances right now – the jetlag and travel – that’s a LOT to be navigating. So please do take your time and go gently on you!
You have some great options here for choosing your goal. Money and Job/Career are both super rich topics, so my recommendation is to choose a goal that will give you the feeling of completion after 30 days.
If you choose to look at money stuff, it might be about planning for the habits you want to establish and looking at some of the beliefs you have around money.
For the job/career goal, it might be that the 30 days are around exploring your options starting from what feels interesting to you (there are lots of ideas for you in the M6 tools on Self-belief!).
It might be your Bystander wants more information before you choose your goal! It can be sneaky that way. What if you decide that you don’t have to choose, you just choose which one to do first?
Let me know what you decide and I am so happy to support you to create your Plan!
Hey Luise, great to see you on our call just now! Here’s the link to the group calls as promised: https://courses.selfbelief.school/sbs-call-replays/ – or via the menu at the top of this page under ‘group coaching calls’. Let us know if we can support you further, lovely!
Hiya! This is my first post and to be honest, I’m a little scared! I was wondering if anyone might help sense-check my goal, please.
I’ve been trying to come up with a goal and have landed on this: I want to write a children’s book. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time, and also will exercise my creativity, an area I rarely intentionally allow myself time to access. (There are so many more practical things that need doing! How dare I set aside time to imagine/create/play?)
I’ve been worried that it doesn’t seem doable in 30 days so am working on making it a bit more achievable. So I’m thinking that ‘I will create a book for my niece for Christmas‘ might be a clearer goal, as it gives me a more specific audience and a firm deadline, but still seems fun. And I just need a sense check, because my protectors are going a bit haywire right now. Does it sound manageable? I feel like it sounds manageable but the self-doubt demons are literally questioning everything I’m thinking, ranging from ‘The initial goal sounds perfectly manageable and now here you are making it less worthwhile/important’ through to ‘Why would your niece even want a book you’d made for her, and her parents will think it’s stupid.’ Fun times!
Hi Christine! It’s lovely to see you here. I am super happy to support you with your goal.
Firstly, I just want to acknowledge – this is such an imaginative, creative, and generous goal. To write a children’s book – in any capacity – sounds like a very meaningful and fulfilling way to spend some time 🙂
I completely hear you on making it manageable for a 30-day goal. It sounds like your Protector is quite concerned about the reader of your book (what your niece and her parents might think, and whether the audience is ‘enough’).
What do you think is the main risk your Protector is worried about?
In terms of it being manageable in scope, what if in 30 days, you have a good-enough first draft of a children’s book? What comes up for you there?
Hi Sas, Thanks so much for your reply and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Partially it was because the questions you asked paralysed me a little – I just felt stumped as I tried to answer them!
In terms of risks, there is rejection, judgment, and disappointment (that I’m disappointed in the result, and/or that the recipient is disappointed). I also feel though that I’m willing to take these risks, that they don’t feel really dangerous to me in this case. Like, it’s fine if my family-in-law judges me and my niece hates the book, it would come from an authentic, loving part of me and it would still be fun to try.
The more difficult question for me was the question about having a good-enough first draft in 30 days. I was really resistant to the idea. It just seems like that isn’t good enough! It’s not big enough, not worthwhile. I really wasn’t sure where that was coming from, and spent about a week turning that word ‘worthwhile’ around in the rock tumbler of my mind. I realised too that after getting really excited about my goal and whizzing through actions on the first day, I stopped working on it and was instead putting my time and effort into doing all the millions of practical, crappy life admin things that I need to do. I’m really susceptible to this behaviour of putting aside things that I find important in order to take care of things for other people, particularly in family and work-related situations. And that is something I need to work on, because it is contributing to me feeling like my one precious life is passing me by while I focus on mundane things.
To make a long story a bit shorter, I had a really helpful conversation with Marion (a breakthrough, really!) in which I realised that the ‘worth’ I kept coming up against is my own sense of self-worth, that I don’t feel like I deserve to do something that I have *chosen* to do, something that is just for me and isn’t for the sake of someone else or that doesn’t have a practical purpose. And considering how numb I feel when I try to access what I want, what I enjoy, and what feels fun and good and right, this realisation seems really key to helping me move towards self-belief and fulfilment. I think! Now it’s a case of trying to get some circulation going in those numb parts…
Christine, it’s good to hear from you! And yeah sometimes it can take a little time to contemplate what’s going on, can’t it? Please know there is never any rush or expectation from me 🙂
I’m so glad you let this whirl around in your rock tumbler (I love that image!) and yay for being open to discussing this with Marion – she is a great gemstone to add to your thoughts 🙂
I think uncovering Protective Beliefs is often the hardest bit of this because usually, the Protector offers us a lot of distraction and resistance. Bravo for exploring what’s underneath your procrastination.
‘I don’t deserve to do something fun that I’ve chosen‘ is such an effective protective belief – it makes total sense that you are getting distracted by the mundane life admin, when you believe this.
I wonder if it makes sense to you that this is a belief that is with you right now? If you consider the messages you’ve received over the years, does that seem like an understandable belief to adopt?
What else could be true?
Hello Everyone!
Is anyone interested in going to Sas and Dr Phillipa’s Embodiment Worksop November 3rd? There is a special 2 for 1 bring a friend deal that I would love to take advantage of! Let me know if you are interested! Here are all the details https://selfbelief.school/embodyment/
xxx
Mary
Hello Everyone!
I am exploring going to Sas and Phillipa’s workshop on Embodiment this November 3rd in Clifton Village Bristol.
Would anyone from SBS like to go with me?
Would anyone like to meet up for coffee/tea or a walk and a chat? I hope to be in England from Nov 1 to November 4/5 and have no set itinerary other than probably the workshop.
Sas- May I have the address of the workshop as I am trying to find accommodations near the workshop or at least near public transport to workshop?
Trying to avoid hiring a car on this holiday…..
My Protector is having a field day with this 30 day goal which I’ve come to understand is one of the purposes of these goals- to intentionally invite my sly Protector to appear in her myriad forms. It’s all Healthy Adult Self in my comfort zone- it’s stretching that is the bait for my Protector!
I love the mantra of “What else could be true?”
Also rereading My Values from a previous module and finding them helpful to staying with this goal process. The values exercise isn’t all airyfairy – by reminding myself of these values- I am encouraging myself to be more fully who I am (still unpacking that one too!)
xxx
Mary
I love this exploration for you Mary! And how wonderful that you’re noticing your values are giving you some extra oomph with which to play with your goal. I find my values a great source of Healthy Self energy when I remember to lean into them.
It may be that your fellow SBSers haven’t checked this board so please feel free to also ask your question in circle this week and perhaps we can facilitate a contact details swap for any that wish to.
If I can swing it I’d love to coffee with you in Bristol that week! 🙂 x
I think I’d like my goal to be finding a right-fit job (flexible hours, good pay, remote-work, excellent work culture). Something along the lines of administrative/operations/project management/client support. Especially for a technology or tech services company as I am pretty passionate about people who make cool things.
There is not a particular career I aspire to, I aspire to do work that will allow me to maximize time with my family. So really, this goal is all about providing more financially for my family without burning myself out or feeling taken advantage of, and without cutting into my ability to be there for my children and their sick days, days school is closed, appointments, etc. However, I am highly education and have been the director/manager for programs so things that are minimal pay are upsetting as they throw away all my experience and skill.
So maybe, in 30 days:
As I am making no money currently (the contract work I was doing has ceased) and we do need more money now – I’m currently applying for substitute teaching to fill in the gap while I look for longer term, right-fit, fulfilling work.
Any thoughts on this? Seems complicated. IDK.
Lovette, I can see how many factors are running through your mind here (love the image!).
I see you taking one step towards what you ‘should’ want, but then undercutting it with what you don’t want or putting a condition on it. It’s like you talk yourself out of options as you go.
Can you tell me about the work you would like to do?
What would be fulfilling and meaningful for you?
So this is a bit tricky because I have fulfilling and meaningful work as a stay-at-home-parent. It is my greatest ambition to maximize the years I have with the kids while they are children. Work is just a side-gig for me to enable maximum family time.
I feel I have to put particular conditions on my work search so it doesn’t cut into what I really want to be doing with my life, fostering a happy and healthy family. Having not come from a one of those, it takes everything I’ve got to grow, learn, and embody something entirely new for my kids and hopefully, future generations going forward. I need paid employment though but do not want that work to cut into my unpaid “real” job. I’d like to go get us some money in a way that isn’t dehumanizing, disparaging, nor draining for me. In my experience, work has been all those things.
I’m turning 50 soon. I had loads of career time and education before I had my first child at 38. Before children, I used to be in ministry (though my beliefs have radically shifted) and nonprofits. I loved helping people find their own way in a time of transition but I no longer enjoy doing that for work. I find that fulfillment and so much more in parenting. I quit working full time when my daughter was about one-years-old because I felt I was missing out on too much with her. I was the breadwinner of the family at that time and had a coveted director-level, highly visible role in the community. All stupidity which took away time from gazing into her sweet little face. If I have one life to live, I’ve got to be around my sugar lumps as much as is humanly possible. They are my passion.
I did run a financial literacy program at a private university for a year, not long ago, in an attempt to “go back to work”. I hated all aspects of it because, I had no more “mom-ing” energy for my own family when I came home. It’s like I used up my heart and soul for a thankless crowd (for horrible pay), and had nothing left to share with the people I love most. I want to do work that isn’t high impact on people’s lives, nor intimate in any way because that is too draining for me on top of parenting.
The job market has few positions that even have a positive work culture much the less flexibility for work-life balance. I am very resentful to employers who would cut into my ability to take my children to dentist appointments or not permit me to be home with them when they are sick. I do not want to be self employed. I’ve tried that and it fried me extensively to wear that many hats. I have chronic illnesses and mid-life level energy – it would be very hard for me to work 40 hours a week and have energy left over for my children. There must be a way for me to get creative within these constraints.
This context is so rich Lovette – thank you for sharing.
It strikes me that you are so clear about how much your family means to you, and specifically how important it is to have time engaged with your family. And I completely agree with you that we can get creative within the boundaries you have.
What if your Courage-based Goal is about getting to a place where you are feeling ‘work-ready’?
So you have a good idea of the kind of work you are looking for in your next role, but also clarity over how you want to be in relationship with your future employer and colleagues.
How does that feel to you?
That feels perfect-o! Dang, you are really good at this coaching stuff, Sas!
Haha! That’s super high praise from you lovely and I’ll take it! xxx
“Sugar lumps”is the sweetest expression ever. I love your clarity and your passion, Lovette, and that you are creating and modeling a healthy family for your own children and as you say, hopefully others. This is the kind of world I want to live in. <3
Thank you Susan. Your words are soooo fortifying to my soul. I appreciate you. 🙂
I have a bigger goal to offer online group therapy and/or courses for children with mild speech difficulties. I have done some preliminary work for this, I love the offer and I have a good idea of how I want the first group to run.
For my 30 day goal I was thinking: Enrol 5 people into the first round of my online group. This has been the thing that brings up my self-doubt – the part where I need to enrol people. Once they’re enrolled I feel less doubt about my ability to actually run the group. I noticed that my predicted emotions once I have enrolled people will be excitement, commitment but also relief, which doesn’t strike me as a great one.
My self-doubt says: It will be hard to find 5 people to participate, People prefer 1:1 therapy, I could probably find one person but 5 is a stretch, If I do it with 1-2 people I won’t get enough feedback/learn enough to make it better the next time, Nobody will sign up for a December start and January is too far away…blah blah blah.
My healthy adult self tells me: There are people you already know who are suitable for this, who knows how many more there are? Maybe lots! You have always attracted clients. This is something worth pursuing even if it’s hard.
My protector loves to ask what if you fail? while my healthy adult self asks what if you don’t?
I just remembered…back when the pandemic hit I did offer an online group for people who stutter. I had all the same doubts and I didn’t get any signups. This is a very different offer that I’m much more enthusiastic about and there would be a larger potential pool of clients (says my healthy adult self, ha!) but I can see why my protector has stepped in here to stop me from repeating that experience. I’m not joking, I literally only remembered it now when writing this post, but my protector clearly hasn’t forgotten.
Nasreen this sounds so juicy!
I would definitely keep going with this and create your plan – once you have your Big-assed List of Tasks you can decide if you want to rename the focus or we can split it into two 30-day goals.
I am getting to know you Protector as you share and it feels like it is very invested in protecting you from failure. One of the things that can happen with a sensitivity to the risk of failure is that we get binary – all or nothing. We go all in or we quit. We get five people or it’s a ‘fail’. Does that sound familiar?
You might want to do a Belief Biography (M2) on this one! It’s a great way of exploring all the beliefs and memories and experiences related to a single Protective Belief.
You could also do a Meaning Making Map (M4) around your past group – just to really capture that learning.
Great stuff!
Ok, off to buy some coloured post-its (no I’m not procrastinating…!)
Hmm so I can do the belief biography by thinking about this belief and figuring out what memories may have triggered that? Whenever I read/hear about other people with this fear of failure they have had strict parents/high expectations/instances of being ridiculed or punished for failing. I struggle to “blame” someone else or a particular memory. Somewhere along the line I interpreted things to create this belief without anyone else’s help, ie. it’s actually my fault – eek!
Well, often our risk sensitivity is a culmination of interpretations of many situations.
It can also be caused by our interpretation of opposite experiences!
So if over your lifetime, you’ve had praise and validation and that has felt really bloody great (it feels so good to be acknowledged and celebrated!) there may be a sense that anything different will feel unbearably terrible.
Ooh yes that sounds like something to explore…
I feel like I’ve unearthed a treasure. I did the Meaning Making Map as you suggested and turned up an extremely unhelpful meaning that I made: people don’t want me as their speech pathologist unless they know me or know of me personally. This comes from me being a non-native speaker with a foreign name. Which is not an issue at all once potential clients call me and talk to me on the phone, or meet me in person. Also not an issue when I have been recommended by someone else (the source of most of my referrals). So the idea of approaching potential clients to invite them to work with me bumps up against this belief. And the whole idea of expanding my business to work with more people via online programs and in-person workshops means that of course not every participant is going to know me, speak to me personally or know someone who knows me.
While it’s helpful to unearth that belief, where to from here? What else could be true: most people know as soon as they talk to me that Italian is not my first language and it’s never been a problem; I have had several clients who have worked with other local speech pathologists and not been happy with them so have come to the non-native speaker instead; my colleagues in the public health service refer to me; I am often recommended by other health professionals who have never met me (!).
I suppose this belief is protecting me from putting myself out there and being rejected.
Your Protector is so sophisticated at masking your worry behind this logical idea of a language barrier 🙂
So when the protective belief begins to disintegrate, we can expose the real reason for the belief – and it sounds like there is something here about the risk of rejection.
If you have a belief that it was about your name or a perceived language barrier, then you have a logical reason for someone not working with you.
When that goes away, you are left with all the other possible reasons. Including that they didn’t like you. Your Protector is likely to be on the lookout for this.
I wonder if you could rate your sensitivity to this risk in this context out of 10 for yourself? If it’s high (over 6) we can play with that a little more.
If it’s lower, you might just want to make a list of all these fabulous reasons that clients DO sign up with you! Notice how these beliefs make you feel – that’s likely to be a really motivating emotional state to be in.
Great work!
Hmm I think my sensitivity to people not liking me in this context is pretty low, say a 3. But thinking about that has clued me in that I am sensitive to the risk of people thinking I’m not capable/good at my job – that’s more like a 7. For example, at a conference a few years ago I wanted to ask a question and I couldn’t do it in front of a roomful of colleagues, the fear was too great that they could possibly think I couldn’t speak Italian properly if I stumbled on my words or mispronounced something and therefore I couldn’t possibly be a decent speech pathologist. But at that very same conference I approached different presenters to ask questions face to face, I introduced myself to new people (I went on my own and didn’t know anyone) and made life-long friends, I created a chat group to keep in touch with others and we still send messages or have videocalls at least once a month!! So maybe this fear of judgement is specific to large anonymous crowds??
That’s such a great distinction – the risk/protective belief is around how others perceive your competency. And it sounds like depending on the content, this may be more or less pronounced.
I am wondering if this insight helps you to see other places where this belief shows up in your life?
Hello I’ve been reviewing my October and I was struggling to come up with a helpful belief to counter this risk around being perceived as incompetent. I don’t know how to word the protective belief here…something around not exposing myself to my peers, or feeling vulnerable professionally. When thinking about a helpful belief, I thought something affirming what I already believe and focusing on my clients (this program is for them after all) rather than my peers/anonymous others would be useful. Such as “I am great at supporting parents” “This program plays to my strengths” “I am the best person to deliver this kind of program” (that last one sounds overconfident when I read it but I do actually believe it). Thoughts?
Love this Nasreen!
It sounds like you’ve got that protective belief in your first sentence! ‘I can’t be seen as incompetent’
How does that land for you?
It’s so great to notice when it feels a little stretchy to believe the helpful belief. Especially as you have a really sophisticated protector – it will be responding to that stretchiness!
This might show up as choosing a helpful belief that looks good but feels too stretchy, or choosing one that you do believe but your protector says isn’t stretchy enough 🙂
I really like your helpful belief of ‘I am great at supporting parents’! You could tweak it to ‘this programme is designed to support parents’ (this creates a little space between you and the programme).
Or something like ‘I am learning to deliver this programme’.
Which one feels good to you?
Ok! Yep, “I can’t be seen as incompetent” is the protective belief. “I’m great at supporting parents” feels good as a helpful belief precisely because it’s about me. And, when I see it next to my protective belief my protector says “well that doesn’t counteract perfectly enough” 🙄 Guessing that it’s better to have it be believable rather than too stretchy, and just acknowledge that I can hear my protector but I don’t have to change it based on what they say.
I’m glad this helps!
Also just to reassure your Protector, we are not trying to counteract the Protective Belief.
We are looking for a more helpful belief that feels just as true as the protective belief.
So yes, having a helpful belief that feels true to you is perfect 🙂
Thanks for clarifying, I really thought I needed to counteract the protective belief and then it was (naturally) not very believable! Choosing a more helpful belief is simpler way about it, which of course had already been said but I sneakily interpreted it another way 😒
I have to remind myself of this all the time!
Hello Everyone-
My Overarching Goal is Financial Sobriety. It doesn’t sound like much fun but it is so essential to my well being- seems like much of the stress in my life relates back to my complicated (understatement there) relationship with money which is a stand in for so much else (self care, self worth, fear of abandonment, letting myself and others down, disappointment and more!).
I’m trying to find a 30 day goal that sparks some enthusiasm (lower bar than joy). I’m finding all my tasks are one or two steps and done tasks. Could a 30 day goal be to pick 10 or so of the tasks??
My Protector the Critic is trying to protect me from accumulating evidence that I’m hopelessly financially irresponsible on my way to irredeemable insolvency. My Critic is good at thinking in EXTREMES!
My Protector is telling me not to assess my actual financial situation because what I’ll see will kill me- I’ll die of shame, embarrassment, guilt, my worst fears of dying alone impoverished are indeed accurate, I’m just like my mother when it comes to all matters financial, I am constitutionally unable to create and adhere to a spending and savings plan; it will be too uncomfortable to have conversations over supporting my children less-conflict avoidance at all costs says the Martyr Protector))
What else could be true? I have financial baggage from my childhood. I am financially sloppy. I live within my means. I left a marriage that was supposed to provide financial security in retirement. I have put money into retirement accounts including at my current job.
Thanks for your feedback!
xxx
Mary
You’re right about it being essential to your wellbeing! You came up with some great responses for what else could be true. I worked through some money stuff a couple of years ago, after being “good with money” all my life I felt like I lost some of that when I moved to Italy and dived into completely different financial circumstances and became much less autonomous in financial management. I really didn’t want to take a deep dive into our finances and see just how much money had gone where – cringe!! But after going through the discomfort and shame I could build a different relationship with money. These days, far from hiding from my finances, I nerd out using an app that shows me exactly how much I’m earning and what I’m spending on. Cheering you on as you tackle this one!
Thank you for your encouragement Nasreen! I very much appreciate hearing from someone who has been through the process and survived— thrived even!!! 🙂
Mary – I bloody love this direction of travel for your goal! I really want to acknowledge you for choosing something so juicy here – it feels like an opportunity for so much healing.
In terms of clarifying your goal, I am totally with you on improving on Sobriety! And yes to enthusiasm – always 🙂
As Nasreen shares below – this is absolutely about well-being. Which is a great name for your goal by the way!
With goals that are to do with an aspect of well-being, usually, the outcome we are wanting is sustainable, supportive habits. The things you do regularly to take care of yourself.
When the goal is tangled up with lots of protective beliefs, it can provide lots of opportunities to heal! So there might be a bit of a longer-term focus on your Financial Well-being – healing those beliefs and developing habits that really support your relationship with money and wealth and caretaking of YOU.
Then your Courage-based Goal is about setting yourself up to focus on financial well-being. How does that feel to you, Mary?
My goal was initially to start a podcast where I review books I’ve read, but after working through the playbook – I’m not so sure this is the best avenue. So now I’m back to self doubt, and not really knowing the way forward or if this is something I should do.
Taking time to think about things, instead of just barrelling ahead, always creates self doubt for me. The more I think, the more uncertain I become. I hate planning things!
In fact, whenever I’ve tried to stop myself to plan – I just gave up, and would walk away. It’s just easier for me to go with my initial excitement and deal with the consequences later (which are often nonexistent or mild).
Some coaching might help. Or I can just do whatever, and see what happens.
But it’s hard for me to keep momentum as well. So I have a lot of energy, but once I break out my routine, everything falls apart immediately and it’s hard to get back into it.
I’m excited for this, but also ugh!
Hey Tatiana – its good to see you here – I love this share so much and I’d love to support you to find a goal you can complete 🙂
This is such a cracking insight into how the Bystander protective pattern gets all tangled up in our goals. Overthinking leads to doubt which leads to giving up. And it makes so much sense that to combat this, you ride the wave of excitement and energy until it inevitably runs out. So it can feel like whatever you do, you end up in the same place.
Then it’s easy to see how you can conclude all kinds of stories about not being good at planning, following through or bringing goals to life!
Does that sound right?
I want to reassure you that I see you doing a great job of trying to protect yourself from whatever risks come up as you are bringing this goal to life.
With the Courage-based Goals approach, the idea is to set you up for success with self-doubt, when momentum runs out, you have a messy day, or you don’t want to!
Can you say more about your podcast idea? What is it about this that matters to you? I’m also curious to know why you have decided it’s not the right one, if you’d like to share.
🙂
I actually initially wanted to do my podcast on the same topic (erotic art) but gave up on it ages ago. But I started reading erotic books, and saw that there is so much to choose from!
When I started on the playbook, I started thinking of the entire ecosystem of art (movies, comics, games) and became overwhelmed that a podcast might not be the best place for all of these topics (ie when reviewing comics, you normally share images for example).
So then I thought maybe I can have a blog, even though blogs are dead now. So then I got overwhelmed by all the avenues, and didnt want to be bothered.
But as I’m typing this I realize I can just focus on one type of art and then figure something else out after….
Anyway. I really like podcasts though I’m currently interested in nonfiction topics. I dont even like to read other people’s reviews (except on goodreads and only after I read the book already).
Your Protector seems to be very good at talking you out of every idea you come up with. Is that a pattern?
If so, this is the perfect place to work through that 🙂
The idea of a Courage-based Goal is that you take an idea to completion – even when there are (inevitably!) challenges to figure out, and self-doubt rocks up with all the reasons why not to do it.
But there are always going to be reasons to not bother. I mean, why do anything?
So what if we broaden your fab idea out a little and call it a 30-day creative project where you share your thoughts on erotic art?
One of the actions could be to decide if this is a visual or an audio project. It’s just 30 days. You get to put your energy into this and see what will happen. You’ll get to meet your self-doubt and apply everything you are learning here.
What do you think?
I think I struggle between making this an audio or visual project T.T
But an idea did occur to me… I’m not sure how to implement it. Or rather, how to share it with others.
I like this idea but still feel some overwhelm. 🙁
I wonder if there is a belief that you need to get past the overwhelm before you can start? What else could be true?
Thanks for sharing Tatiana! We are learning so much about these patterns and I personally find it helpful to read other shares, often they give me new insight into myself. I have definitely had occasions where I barrel ahead almost too afraid that if I don’t just throw myself into it I’ll never do it. Differently to you, I like planning but I can often get stuck there, which I guess is why sometimes I choose the first option. Good luck with choosing a goal that resonates with you 😊
I thought I’d start a new thread because this is a slightly different topic, something that came up on the coaching call with Lisa (who I would tag if I could??). My goal is to sign 5 people into my new online program and when Lisa offered that the goal could be less binary ie pass/fail, you sign 5 people or you fail type of thing, my Critic spoke up loudly saying that anything less specific was wishy-washy and a copout and wouldn’t actually get me to where I want, ie with 5 participants. We had a great discussion that lead me to thinking about alternative measures of success, such as discussing this program with lots of people, testing out different ways to find potential clients for the program, which are definitely things I am aiming for with this goal so they are valid measures of success.
This morning I was firming up details around the program, including start date which was giving me drama, when I had a light-bulb moment: There is absolutely no need for these 5 people to start together. I want 5 people to go through the first iteration of the program so I can see how it works and make tweaks, but it is essentially an individualized program. This removes the “I need to have 5 people to start” drama, and the pass/fail of enrolling 5 people by a certain date.
So my question is, do I keep my goal as “enrol 5 people into my program” ? Thinking about a 30-day goal, that one is possible for sure, but an alternative could be “start one person in my program”, which fulfils my desire to actually start the program, which is not all there ready to go. I’ll be finalising each lesson week to week as the participant/s move through the program so I can make real-time adjustments. Thoughts? I’m leaning towards the alternative goal of starting one person in the program…
I really love how you are bringing this to life Nasreen – and this is exactly what happens. You start the process and you have the lightbulb moments and the setbacks and it comes to life as you are taking action with it. Bravo!
Yeah, that pass/fail criteria is catnip for a loud Critic. I imagine your Critic had lots of judgey thoughts about it 🙂
It’s such a creative option to keep this as an individualised programme and it sounds like this is quietening down the drama.
What if the 30-day goal is more broadly about bringing your programme to life? Then you can think about all the ways you would share it, invite in participants and then deliver it? If you have 5 – great, and if you have one – brilliant – the main goal was to bring it to life.
How does that land for you?
Yes that goal really resonates, it sums up what I really want to do: bring my program to life 👍🏼 thankyou!
Wonderful!
So the next step is to plan – it’s a super simple process – just write down all possible tasks you can think of and then assign each task to a category on your plan. There are four categories based on how you feel about each task: Doable, Easy, Uncertain, Risky.
Top tip: Notice if your Critic has ideas that something ‘should’ be Doable for you when it actually feels a bit Uncertain. Go with how you feel today.
You want to start with one Easy task. Use your 30 day plan to track progress.
I’m loving seeing the evolution of your goal Nasreen and how it encompasses all the measures you spoke of!
I love how this goal has developed for you Nasreen! 🙂 Looking forward to hearing how it progresses.
UPDATE: I spent most of the month not taking much action at all on my courage-based plan and in fact not looking at it. BUT, every time I guiltily thought about it, my beautiful goal of “bring my program to life” popped into my head. This definitely helped me to do some stuff, and once I got going (for example outlining the videos) I developed some momentum in that specific task. At the beginning of the month I offered the program to a person who came for an assessment and she wasn’t keen, preferring to do 1:1 therapy. After a moment of “see this program is not appealing” drama I remembered of course she wasn’t interested, she specifically came for 1:1 therapy for her child! She’s not the kind of person who would want this!
With Bring Your Program To Life (this month!) on continuous loop in my head I spontaneously offered it to a current1:1 client to “complete” his therapy, because it seemed like a good fit and getting one person in was mega-accountability for starting to film the videos! She said yes, so in a roundabout and unexpected way I have met my goal, in part thanks to the power of declaring it and having that voice in my head. This is just the beginning, but worth a celebration methinks 🥳
I am tottering around in my mind wondering wether to go with an ‘internal’ or ‘external’ goal, and which goal feels right for now, and what I should put my focus on whilst I am able to get coached have this opportunity to be supported. I know this is delaying and indulging in indecision so that I don’t have to just pick one thing and start.. I have a whole list of things I want to change, develop and focus on in my life, but I am trying to hone in on things that will be do-able for 30 days which feels overwhelming (!)
Here are a few ideas I have:
I typically tend to lean toward ‘internal’ goals, and I have found I have made some really big leaps in my self development from them, but I tend to shy away from ‘external’ goals. I think this is partly because I find internal goals are much easier to stretch and manipulate how I want to interpret my progress with them, rather than actual measurable steps. For example, earlier this year I set myself the goal of: ‘Create new connections with people
& nurture existing friendships’ and I followed it through and believed I met my goal, but I also think I might have made it easier for myself – or that it was a bit of a cop out.
In writing this, I am also wondering if this even matters – if I meet a goal and feel happy about it surely that’s enough, and it doesn’t really matter how I measure my progress and ‘to do’ list against it… hmm.
Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated!
Hannah! I love this big-assed list of possibilities 🙂
Does it sound like your protector wants you to choose the ‘right’ thing? What if there was no right thing – what would you choose?
Yes, definitely trying to choose the ‘right’ thing. If there was no right thing, then I’d focus on the goal of having a clear date and plan for our wedding; but then I feel like that is something I need to do in partnership with my finance, rather than a solitary goal.
So instead I think it is a mixture of feeling nourished and getting curious about what I want in life: almost like allowing myself space in my week to really pay attention to where I am in mind and body and to properly ‘check in’ with myself. Does that make sense? I am trying to word this as a goal.. What do you think?
That’s great to know 🙂
And of course, you can absolutely create a goal in partnership with your fiance. I do recommend for this first one, that you choose a goal just for you – then we get to play with your self-doubt along the way.
So yes getting curious about what you want in life – that makes total sense. If I remember right we talked about this on one of the group calls – is that right Hannah?
Yeah we did talk about it a few weeks ago, and I think it’s really appropriate for where I am at right now. I am going to commit, take action and go with it! Thanks Sas.
That’s so great Hannah! I love your oompf 🙂
Also: look out for a fun (IMHO!) exercise in tomorrow’s Module 6 videos for Growing Self-belief. There is one called the Joy Bucket that I think will really help.
I’m so happy to offer ideas for your plan!
The thing I noticed though, and I spoke about this in our circle this afternoon, is that is this goal: ‘Getting curious about what I want in life’ just the bystander in disguise / is it a goal that encourages my bystander?
It may well do – and that you have identified this, is a great sign to me that you are on to that protective tendency!
One way to give your goal a little more concreteness is to consider the desired outcome of this goal: ‘getting curious about what you want in life’ (and by ‘life’ I am thinking your work life – is that right?) – so what would this give you?
My goal is to make 2-3 photos for my larger project that I can be really proud of. I have already created versions of these and I want them to have a more refined look. I am pretty sure this isn’t (entirely) perfectionism because I don’t need them to be technically perfect; when I make something I really like, I feel it right in my heart. I want that feeling.
Some things that have come up for me this week: a feeling of tremendous sadness and questioning myself about whether I will follow through and take consistent action. This was before I made my plan, but I want to note that so I don’t forget. At the moment, I am feeling a combination of sadness and hope. I’m trusting that I will complete my small actions this week, which are: make sure my batteries are charged, listen to a breathwork meditation on creativity (both easy), and gather my project notes in one spot (doable).
The breathwork task brings up another question: if that is something that supports my project but isn’t actually working on it, does it “count”? My feeling is it does, and I know I get to decide, but I am curious to hear ideas about this, especially since I procrastinate. And if I decide it doesn’t belong on my task list, I can do it anyway. Bonus! 🙂
Here is another struggle: I get overwhelmed whenever there are a lot of moving parts or sequential steps. For example, I have a small walk-in closet in the entry of my small apartment where I keep anything related to creative activities. Organizing that is on my list as a “risky” activity. I have organized it once, but it needs more. I can work with it as-is, but I find that the less cluttered I am, the more pleasant working on my project is. But when I start something like that, I *really* get overwhelmed because it’s like one of those plastic puzzles where you have to slide the pieces around, or maybe chess, which makes my head explode. But maybe this is also my Protector being clever. Because getting my closet uncluttered and looking beautiful is a good thing, and I believe it would really help me, but I also don’t want it to hold me up, as that is another project in itself. I would love to hear any ideas around this.
Susan, I am delighted to hear you are using this process to play with your creativity! You are sharing such great questions here.
One thing I want to reflect back to you, is the examples of your discernment that you are sharing here: that feeling in your heart when you know the image is right for you – knowing that this is about your creative expression and not perfectionism – this is your healthy adult self in the form of discernment.
I can also see your discernment showing up in your question: does it ‘count’ when its not actually working on your goal? Every goal will involve a mix of passive and active tasks. The passive ones are usually about things that support us to be active – things like meditation, reading about the goal, learning about how to do something. A good mix is about 30% passive and 70% active!
Your Risky task is also curiosity around your response – is this your protector, or is it actually your discernment?
My sense is that this is your discernment – you are really clear on the helpful belief: the less cluttered I am, the more pleasant working on my project is. It just sounds like the actual organising of the closet storage is not your favourite! I am imagining it’s like an Ikea thing where you have to put it together.
How does it feel to ask someone to help you with that? It could be a friend or it could be a Taskrabbit service? Notice how that approach feels in your body. Does it make the task feel easier? You can get it done that way 🙂
Thank you, Sas! I love the affirmation about discernment. Super helpful to know the 70/30 mix, too!
As for getting help with organizing, I do have a friend who is really good at that. I was at his house last month and he opened a kitchen drawer to show us how he’d organized it. He as so proud! And best of all, it looked beautiful, no plastic, just bamboo dividers. I asked if he would be a consultant for me, although he seems to be super busy these days.
The idea of figuring out what to do with my stuff and how to arrange it makes me tense and jittery. And the image of my friend’s kitchen drawer (and even my socks and underwear after I Marie Kondo-d them) slows my breathing and makes me feel more centered. Getting help with this makes me feel warm, in a good way, and both literally and figuratively.
Thanks again!
I’m so glad this helps.
And re: your socks and underwear lesson – that is so great to know, right? When you are organised, you feel calm. Brilliant.
So maybe your friend would be happy to help? It’s a great ‘Doable’ step to ask him!
Yes, calm. Aahhh. I asked my friend today and he says “sure.” So we just have to find a time to do this.
What great news 🙂
Dear Lisa – and you other lovely ladies from my circle 🙂
I am reallly sorry butI will probably miss the session today as I am traveling and experiencing massive delays 🙁
this is really a shame since I feel I would absolutely need help with developing a suitable goal but hopefully will be able to do so through the discussion board…
have a great call and take care
Luise
Hi Marie-Luise! You’ll be missed 🙂 Please feel free to post your thoughts here. We’ll get you set up with a goal no problem x
Luise – you were missed! Sorry to hear of your travel delays today. But you didn’t miss any boats in terms of your goal – we’re so ready to support you to choose one that feels good to you… as Sas says, feel free to share here what you’re thinking and we’ll help x
The group coaching call this week was super helpful in shaping my goal – thanks Lisa and everyone who shared theirs 🙂
My goal is to start to build an honest and loving relationship with myself through daily journaling.
I have thoughts and stories to entertain others but what if I kept some to myself? What if I let myself explore my own thoughts and desires and let myself be honest about what I like and what I want (in private, to myself)?
My protector says:
(That last one was a big one, do I really want plausible deniability for my whole personality??)
I’m waiting for my healthy adult self to weigh in – will spend some time this evening working through the rest of the questions in the playbook.
When I think about this goal, my Healthy Adult Self says:
I feel so moved reading about your Protector and your HAS, Kate. These parts have lots to say – they are both wanting the best for you (in very different ways!).
In terms of your Courage-based Plan – because your goal is about repeating a task, you might feel like you have a three-task plan! I encourage you to list out the topics you want to explore and reflect on with yourself. Some topics will feel more tender or risky than others. Don’t forget to include the things you really like about yourself.
You could also use different means to explore – maybe use an oracle card deck, or just google ‘journal prompts for self-discovery’ 🙂
A book that you might enjoy: ‘The way of Integrity’ by Martha Beck.
Such a beautiful goal, Kate!
Hello Everyone!
I’m struggling with my courage goal of financial sobriety. I really thought I would feel so much pride and relief as I accomplished these tasks (which do seem to keep leading to more tasks). I actually have done everything I said I would do and then some leading up to the final task of moving my accounts from my previous community to my present community. I am feeling deflated and a little nauseated to be honest- kind of like a hang over from my drinking days. I thought I’d be on a dopamine-induced roll and be ready to tackle the final task. My Critic Protector is having a field day with “I haven’t done enough because I haven’t tracked discretionary spending for a month”(which was not on my list of tasks because I’ve tried to do that and failed a number of times and I was going for a win) and “My discretionary spending habits are the leak that will sink this boat” and finally “I am just like my mother- want it, buy it- no impulse control.”
What else might be true?
I am not like my mother. I have no debt other than my car loan and mortgage. I do live within my means.
I have struggled with tracking of expenses. It’s boring and slows me down and I get caught up with not doing it perfectly and finally give up. I have tracked my expenses for up to at least 2 weeks at a time which is an accomplishment. I am looking into a budgeting/expense tracking app which might be helpful the next time around.
It’s November 1st- could try again starting today…..
It’s my first year in an old house and I have had unexpected expenses and I still have covered them all.
My cats have had really big veterinary expenses this year and I have managed to cover those too— and they are both doing extremely well thank goodness!!
I am very grateful for the financial means I do have and have received. I have a career that nourishes me and provides an excellent livelihood.
There are lots of financial stories and feelings connected to money (which is also a stand in for security, self care, responsibility and love) from my childhood which makes this a place my Protectors feel obliged to step in.
Thank you for reading this. Really need to reach out this morning as I am feeling overwhelmed by my quest for financial sobriety and trying to engage in Module 6 too.
xxx
Mary
Hello Mary! It’s so good to read your update. And everything you are sharing sounds like exactly what happens as we bring a goal to life 🙂
So not so much of a dopamine high, as much as a bit of a trudge through making changes. This is always peppered with breakthroughs, lots of tedium and the occasional need to slay a dragon! All to say – you are doing great.
Something that comes up for me as a read your share: don’t be so hard on yourself, lovely. You are doing great.
Remember the purpose of Courage-based Goals is not to get everything ‘right’ – it’s about the process of completing something AND being compassionate with yourself as you do it!
You have taken loads of action – and we are only a week into this. That’s so great! It sounds like this is surfacing some of the beliefs that prompted the goal – this is exactly what tends to happen – you are doing really well.
I see you challenging your Protector with some really helpful beliefs. I love that you are able to do this – its such solid evidence that your healthy adult self is right there with you:
Bloody hell Mary this is so brilliant! This IS a win. I wonder if those beliefs are starting to feel real to you?
Does it feel like its the tracking of expenses that is a bit of a drag for you? That seems to be the one sticking point from your share! How can you make this less of a drag?
I also wonder if renaming your goal would be of help? I can totally understand why ‘sobriety’ feels like an important sentiment. The thing about sobriety is that it can feel like there is no room for slip-ups and setbacks – your Critic Protector is going to love that.
While we don’t need alcohol, we do need money – so it’s more like our relationship with food! I wonder if it helps to think of this as more like establishing healthy habits? Maybe something like: Establishing Financial Self-care or My Financial Well-being Goal would feel a little more supportive?
Hey Sas– thanks so much for your response! Can I call my goal “My trip to Sas’ Greek Island”?
I think I’m going to think of my goal as Financial Nourishment.
That’s what I want from my relationship to money- that it is a means by which to nourish my sweet life and dreams not a tool for bludgeoning myself with shame and self loathing which is how it is currently working.
I found an app called Simplifi which is going to automate 99% of the tracking for me! I’ve cancelled 2 subscriptions today so the money saved more than covers the cost of the app.
I really appreciate your comments that healthy adulting can be a bit of a trudge at times (despite moments of adrenaline fueled dragon slaying) and that does not indicate that I am doing anything wrong.
Thank you Sas for suggesting I let up on myself and have a laugh.
Going to get my nails done to celebrate!!!
xxx
Financial Nourishment – HELL YES. That sounds so much richer and more compassionate.
‘I am nourishing my sweet life‘ is a helpful belief to practice all day long 🙂
I love how you are trading off with yourself – adding this new app and letting go of your subs. Notice how that feels to you.
Yes to getting your nails done. Massive yes to your Greek Island adventure!
Hi Mary, I totally get where you are coming from with a complicated (understatement! 🙂 ) relationship to money. What you wrote in your initial post above rang so true for me, how finances are tied up so much with my feelings of self-worth and dependability.
Reading about the development of your goal – from ‘Financial Sobriety’ to ‘Financial Nourishment‘, and all the steps you have taken, and all the insights you have had, and the ways in which you are now recognising the AMAZING work that you are doing rather than only seeing things you don’t think you’re doing/doing right – has been so inspiring for me. It’s like I’m watching a metamorphosis. And just like a caterpillar/butterfly metamorphosis, I can see that you are still very much YOU, just developing and changing and (it seems like) coming into this self in which you can truly fly. Well done you! I hope you can keep seeing the really positive and fantastic ways that your HAS is able to support you and keep you going. Best of luck as you keep on keeping on!
Such a great observation Christine – we develop and change in order that we can become more of ourselves 🙂
Thank you Christine! Your kind remarks are so welcome. Posting does give me a feeling of vulnerability so it is very reassuring that you found some value in my process. I so appreciate your encouragement! I am sending you lots of support for your work too!! with much gratitude, Mary xxx
Mary, I just love this evolution of your goal. Financial nourishment gives me a warm hug kind of feeling. And yay for finding a way around the task that was dragging! So good to see how this is progressing for you and how your HAS is showing up with those supportive healthy beliefs. You’re doing so great!
Hi all,
I’m really struggling to think up rewards for completing each of my tasks! Can anyone share any examples of things they are planning to reward themselves with?
I always find things like this hard (because I don’t think I ever deserve a reward most likely!!)
Thank you xx
Hi Sheena 🙂 I also had to think a little about rewards. I decided to go with what brings me joy, nourishment, and fun (as need more of them also) so what I have done so far: a couple of hours mosheying around charity/vintage shops, watching a Korean film at the cinema on a weekday, eating at my fave Thai place, having an afternoon nap…what makes it more of a reward is doing them on my own and during the work week when I am meant to be working on my business/ticking off my to-do list, and with no guilt attached (well trying anyway)! x
Hi Li-Yeng, thank you so much for your reply! These are great suggestions! That is such a useful way to think of it as well – something I can do on my own and planning to do it during the ‘working week’.
Sounds like you are progressing well with your goal and rewards! Thank you so much for sharing xx
Love these ideas from Li-Yeng! And yes I wholeheartedly endorse weaving the rewards into your every day – don’t wait 🙂
Thank you Sas! I weaved having fun/joy into my 30 day goal of developing a draft proposal for a community (huge value of mine) project and the scheduled rewards are certainly helping to fulfil the fun/joy part x
That’s fantastic! go you 🙂
Oh I am glad you found it helpful Sheena 🙂 I look forward to hearing some of yours in time too- always good to have more ideas in the box xx
So I finally had the time to sit down and think about my goals or rather what that could be. I know I am very late to the party, but hope you will still find time to help me out in determining what would be a good and manageable choice here. As mentioned, I am currently travelling with toms of delays and time zone changes, so I am quite jet-lagged and hope I manage to write this down in an understandable way…
As before I found a lot of inspiration in the posts from all you lovely people, so here are the options I think I could/should work with:
Option one would be finances.
Like Mary, I have a very problematic relationship with money. My biggest fear is ending up destitute and homeless under some bridge – quite dramatic, I know, but this really keeps me up at night. And even though I am not close to this scenario, it haunts me. Especially now, with inflation running wild, all the headlines about the economy collapsing and on top of it all losing my job for the second time in two years due to cost cutting measures I feel extremely worried. On top, I am having a lot of shame and guilt issues around money as well as beliefs as to ‘how I am bad with money’ and I would really like to get this under control or rather get rid of these beliefs and face my fears and get to work on my finances or my mindset regarding money and how I handle my financial situation, because from ignoring them, it will never get better.
This ties in with a second goal option I am thinking about: the ‘job issue’.
As mentioned, I lost my job just recently for the second time and even though I know it has nothing to do with my skills it really gnaws at me, and I take it personal.
But most of all, I put a lot of pressure on myself in the search for a new job – I also did this last time – because I keep thinking, if I do not get this right now, I will never have any career or recognition or – yes – money at all and it will all be downhill from here – again, quite dramatic.
At the same time, I am not sure what I would really like to do jobwise and if the field I am in – Marketing – is even the right one for me. This also has to do with the fact that I never studied it, and just kind of ended up doing it in the first place, so there is always doubt if I can really do it well. Even though I have been doing it for ten plus years.
In both cases I feel like my self-doubt is keeping me from progressing, both in the form of the bystander – I need to know more before I can make this super big decision, and also the scape goat in a big ‘the whole world is against me and there is nothing I can do about it’ way. Again, not taking responsibility for my situation and changing it…
I hope this makes sense in any way and you can help me figure out how I could determine which would be the ‘better’ option and how I could break it down into a manageable scenario to work with.
Thank you so much and hope I will make it to the call this week and also manage to catch up somehow…
I am over in the US cheering you on. You are so courageous for being willing to face either of these areas!!! I completely relate to your doomsday scenario of ending up homeless under a bridge. All the years threatening and scaring myself with that spectre did not change my relationship to money the way working in this program has. No matter what your ultimate goal is, I trust we will all encourage and help you- I hope I see you in our Group Coaching call tomorrow with Lisa et al. ❤️❤️❤️
Mary
Marie-Luise, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading your share – just for the record, you are never going to be late to this party 🙂
I am struck by your life circumstances right now – the jetlag and travel – that’s a LOT to be navigating. So please do take your time and go gently on you!
You have some great options here for choosing your goal. Money and Job/Career are both super rich topics, so my recommendation is to choose a goal that will give you the feeling of completion after 30 days.
If you choose to look at money stuff, it might be about planning for the habits you want to establish and looking at some of the beliefs you have around money.
For the job/career goal, it might be that the 30 days are around exploring your options starting from what feels interesting to you (there are lots of ideas for you in the M6 tools on Self-belief!).
It might be your Bystander wants more information before you choose your goal! It can be sneaky that way. What if you decide that you don’t have to choose, you just choose which one to do first?
Let me know what you decide and I am so happy to support you to create your Plan!
Hey Luise, great to see you on our call just now! Here’s the link to the group calls as promised: https://courses.selfbelief.school/sbs-call-replays/ – or via the menu at the top of this page under ‘group coaching calls’. Let us know if we can support you further, lovely!
Hiya! This is my first post and to be honest, I’m a little scared! I was wondering if anyone might help sense-check my goal, please.
I’ve been trying to come up with a goal and have landed on this: I want to write a children’s book. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time, and also will exercise my creativity, an area I rarely intentionally allow myself time to access. (There are so many more practical things that need doing! How dare I set aside time to imagine/create/play?)
I’ve been worried that it doesn’t seem doable in 30 days so am working on making it a bit more achievable. So I’m thinking that ‘I will create a book for my niece for Christmas‘ might be a clearer goal, as it gives me a more specific audience and a firm deadline, but still seems fun. And I just need a sense check, because my protectors are going a bit haywire right now. Does it sound manageable? I feel like it sounds manageable but the self-doubt demons are literally questioning everything I’m thinking, ranging from ‘The initial goal sounds perfectly manageable and now here you are making it less worthwhile/important’ through to ‘Why would your niece even want a book you’d made for her, and her parents will think it’s stupid.’ Fun times!
Hi Christine! It’s lovely to see you here. I am super happy to support you with your goal.
Firstly, I just want to acknowledge – this is such an imaginative, creative, and generous goal. To write a children’s book – in any capacity – sounds like a very meaningful and fulfilling way to spend some time 🙂
I completely hear you on making it manageable for a 30-day goal. It sounds like your Protector is quite concerned about the reader of your book (what your niece and her parents might think, and whether the audience is ‘enough’).
What do you think is the main risk your Protector is worried about?
In terms of it being manageable in scope, what if in 30 days, you have a good-enough first draft of a children’s book? What comes up for you there?
Hi Sas, Thanks so much for your reply and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Partially it was because the questions you asked paralysed me a little – I just felt stumped as I tried to answer them!
In terms of risks, there is rejection, judgment, and disappointment (that I’m disappointed in the result, and/or that the recipient is disappointed). I also feel though that I’m willing to take these risks, that they don’t feel really dangerous to me in this case. Like, it’s fine if my family-in-law judges me and my niece hates the book, it would come from an authentic, loving part of me and it would still be fun to try.
The more difficult question for me was the question about having a good-enough first draft in 30 days. I was really resistant to the idea. It just seems like that isn’t good enough! It’s not big enough, not worthwhile. I really wasn’t sure where that was coming from, and spent about a week turning that word ‘worthwhile’ around in the rock tumbler of my mind. I realised too that after getting really excited about my goal and whizzing through actions on the first day, I stopped working on it and was instead putting my time and effort into doing all the millions of practical, crappy life admin things that I need to do. I’m really susceptible to this behaviour of putting aside things that I find important in order to take care of things for other people, particularly in family and work-related situations. And that is something I need to work on, because it is contributing to me feeling like my one precious life is passing me by while I focus on mundane things.
To make a long story a bit shorter, I had a really helpful conversation with Marion (a breakthrough, really!) in which I realised that the ‘worth’ I kept coming up against is my own sense of self-worth, that I don’t feel like I deserve to do something that I have *chosen* to do, something that is just for me and isn’t for the sake of someone else or that doesn’t have a practical purpose. And considering how numb I feel when I try to access what I want, what I enjoy, and what feels fun and good and right, this realisation seems really key to helping me move towards self-belief and fulfilment. I think! Now it’s a case of trying to get some circulation going in those numb parts…
Christine, it’s good to hear from you! And yeah sometimes it can take a little time to contemplate what’s going on, can’t it? Please know there is never any rush or expectation from me 🙂
I’m so glad you let this whirl around in your rock tumbler (I love that image!) and yay for being open to discussing this with Marion – she is a great gemstone to add to your thoughts 🙂
I think uncovering Protective Beliefs is often the hardest bit of this because usually, the Protector offers us a lot of distraction and resistance. Bravo for exploring what’s underneath your procrastination.
‘I don’t deserve to do something fun that I’ve chosen‘ is such an effective protective belief – it makes total sense that you are getting distracted by the mundane life admin, when you believe this.
I wonder if it makes sense to you that this is a belief that is with you right now? If you consider the messages you’ve received over the years, does that seem like an understandable belief to adopt?
What else could be true?
Hello Everyone!
Is anyone interested in going to Sas and Dr Phillipa’s Embodiment Worksop November 3rd? There is a special 2 for 1 bring a friend deal that I would love to take advantage of! Let me know if you are interested! Here are all the details https://selfbelief.school/embodyment/
xxx
Mary
Hello Everyone!
I am exploring going to Sas and Phillipa’s workshop on Embodiment this November 3rd in Clifton Village Bristol.
Would anyone from SBS like to go with me?
Would anyone like to meet up for coffee/tea or a walk and a chat? I hope to be in England from Nov 1 to November 4/5 and have no set itinerary other than probably the workshop.
Sas- May I have the address of the workshop as I am trying to find accommodations near the workshop or at least near public transport to workshop?
Trying to avoid hiring a car on this holiday…..
My Protector is having a field day with this 30 day goal which I’ve come to understand is one of the purposes of these goals- to intentionally invite my sly Protector to appear in her myriad forms. It’s all Healthy Adult Self in my comfort zone- it’s stretching that is the bait for my Protector!
I love the mantra of “What else could be true?”
Also rereading My Values from a previous module and finding them helpful to staying with this goal process. The values exercise isn’t all airyfairy – by reminding myself of these values- I am encouraging myself to be more fully who I am (still unpacking that one too!)
xxx
Mary
I love this exploration for you Mary! And how wonderful that you’re noticing your values are giving you some extra oomph with which to play with your goal. I find my values a great source of Healthy Self energy when I remember to lean into them.
It may be that your fellow SBSers haven’t checked this board so please feel free to also ask your question in circle this week and perhaps we can facilitate a contact details swap for any that wish to.
If I can swing it I’d love to coffee with you in Bristol that week! 🙂 x