Module 7
Growing Self-Worth
Growing Self-Worth
Introduction
Self-worth is all about advocating for ourselves - including what's ok and what's not ok, the space we allow ourselves to take up and how we look after our boundaries. Self-worth comes to life through accessing your inner-Warrior - what you stand for - this has real energy!
Coaching Tools:
- Your Warrior Garden (get clarity on what is ok and not ok for you)
- Boundaries (what you do to take care of yourself when something isn't ok)
- Calling in the Warrior (how to advocate for what matters to you)
- Meet your Warrior (visualisation to bring this aspect of you to life)
As we practice advocating for ourselves in healthy ways, we start to see that no one has to change for us to feel ok. Radical self-responsibility brings a tonne of freedom!
There is room in your Self-belief School Playbook to journal and reflect. Please do share your learnings, ponderings, and thoughts in the Discussion below.
Self-belief Schoolers
The discussion forum is where you can ask questions, share your thoughts, learnings, confusion and breakthroughs about this Module.
Track your
Progress
Module eight
Some thoughts overall on SBS so far (good to put on the advocacy/self worth/warrior page maybe?):
1) Ah-mazing content! Truly essential, fantastically worded. Just so dang wise and helpful.
2) Pacing. I wish we could have paused for the rest of the year after week 5 as the 30 Day Action Plan goal felt huge. I wish I had 30 days of support focused only on that and reviewing the first 1-5 weeks. It seems like most people have fallen off the discussion forums as there aren’t many recent posts in any week. Stabilizing at week 5 would have been a nice time to herd up the sheep, allow people to breath and catch up and really dig in.
Moving forward with more content during the 30 Day Action Plan has been distracting to that plan for me. I could have used more community, small group time, and overall program communication around just the 30 Day Action Plan.
3) Half the Content for Semester One. Perhaps for future SBS cohorts, have the 30 Day Action Plan be the final activity for both semesters one and two. Breaking the Semesters down into weeks 1-5, then 6-10 with a large gap between but both culminating with a final 30 Day Action Plan of your choosing.
4) Community. A different sort of interactive community communication would be super helpful, so people can touch base on goals, ideas, encourage each other to follow up would be helpful to me. It would be great to be able to “@” each other to ask directly how particular things are going. The discussions broken down by weeks, as it is now, with some people missing videos and therefore posting non-chronologically slowly breaks apart the opportunity to connect. We are spread out widely on where we are with the content so the discussions aren’t flourishing. One place to connect regardless of what week someone is on would be helpful.
5) Big Wins. Being the first class ever, our workbook, exercises, wise content, ability to meet in small groups – all have been absolutely fantastic! The caliber of the coaching is top notch as well.
Hi Lovette, I was literally just thinking that I feel like the courage-based goal/plan has been lost in the mix. My goal is really aligned, I made the plan and could see how to move forward, but I haven’t actually started – which is my usual pattern. This is where I need more support but with coaching sessions being module-specific I’m reluctant to be bringing up stuff from a few modules ago!
Oh please do bring up your Goal and challenges Nasreen! We’re making time at the beginning of each Circle to check in on goals.
Do come along to the Group Call this Thursday if you can – I’ll be talking about Courage-based Goals and Healthy Self resources 🙂
Also we’ll be diving into this more in the new year too!
Lovette this is such useful feedback – thank you! You have beat me to it as I am sending out a short questionnaire to gather this from the group this week 🙂
I am realising that the pacing needs work! As you can imagine it’s an imperfect balance to try and anticipate how everyone in the group will absorb this. And to get the programme order as intuitively logical is something I have laboured over a lot.
My thinking was that the Healthy Adult Self resources would feel supportive as you take action on your Goals, but in reality, it hasn’t worked that way. No plan survives first contact with reality, right?! 🙂
Please know I am coming up with an option for everyone and will be communicating this over the next week.
As for the community, unfortunately, there are few options for discussion forums (outside of social media networks), that offer every feature we’d all like – I’ve had a whole team of tech folks weighing up the options! We will have a unified approach to connecting, once we move through the Core Curriculum.
These challenges and constraints aside, I am delighted you are enjoying the programme and the coaching support in particular.
You are certainly one smart cookie as evidenced in every aspect of this program. Absolutely some of these things can only be adjusted after a live first run, such is the nature of things. I look forward to our continued evolution here. So far this program has greatly, positively impacted me overall.
Hello everyone-
I am having a strong multi layered response to the Warrior.
My Warrior on behalf of myself is literally on life support most of the time (a pale, anemic, under utilized, forcibly relegated to the dark shadows sliver of energy).
On the other hand, my Warrior energy on behalf of others has always been hypervigilant and ready to burst out of the proverbial phonebooth in full latex battle gear, cape and all, to protect and serve those I perceive as unfairly treated (my Martyr Protector).
Neither one of these is a healthy expression of my Warrior.
The anger (both mine and from the adults in my life) and hurt I experienced as a child I ended up hiding because both were not well received.
I have set “boundaries” only by raging (and frequently leaving a relationship) after I had endured so much violation of my Inner Garden that I was unable to contain the hurt and anger.
I have this enormous capacity to talk myself out of the million small boundary violations that occur until I can no longer hold my seething resentment (which leaks out in toxic ways) until finally Ka Boom explosion!
I have tried identifying my OKs/not OKs before only to yet again swallow my awareness of the violation as soon as a whiff of conflict appears- something there about being absolutely entitled before I can protect myself (which honestly I never am) or valuing other’s needs more than my own to protect myself from the pain of feeling less than.
I am increasingly isolated from true intimacy because I don’t trust myself to manage my own boundaries and advocate as appropriate for my needs and desires. Easier to just take care of myself and my own needs then once again confirming my painful belief that I am just too chicken shit to negotiate a relationship. My Protectors, in their desire to protect me from pain and conflict (which honestly was so scary as a child and continues to be as an adult) are creating self loathing and isolation which are also incredibly painful.
How do I build up my Warrior Energy when I am afraid to take a baby step?
I am asking myself What else could be true other than these ancient stories?
Playing Sara Bareilles’ song “Brave” on repeat before my day at work to inspire me <3
Mary
‘Brave’ sounds absolutely the right soundtrack for you and your Warrior, Mary 🙂
It sounds like your early life experiences have understandably left your Warrior on super high alert – braced for any and all violations. So when you feel your own boundaries being pushed on, your safe place is retreat/freeze. But when you see any injustice persecuted on others, you go into full rescue/fight mode!
I just want to affirm that this is a really well-understood pattern.
What can happen is without healthy modelling, a much younger version of us is in charge of our self-worth. It might feel like your responses are coming from an inner-kid that is desperate to be seen and heard. That makes those rages and the rejection of intimacy you describe, so understandable to me.
I really want to invite you (and Little Mary) to take this Warrior work, super slowly. Right now your Protector is on high alert – like a frightened animal. And you know that animals who are terrified don’t tend to make great decisions. This part of you needs some gentle coaxing and building some safety and trust.
My suggestion for a first baby step is to practice noticing what’s not ok for you.
Just tune into your awareness throughout the day – when you are commuting, at work, with your family, or watching the news – just notice what’s not ok. The practice here is to notice.
Whenever you feel that rage rising, I want you to imagine that frightened animal part of you and practice speaking to this part with compassion. Get into the habit of creating space between noticing something isn’t ok, and taking care of yourself as the first response.
How does that sound to you, Mary?
Thank you Sas. I think the baby step of truly noticing and acknowledging my not OKs without immediately talking myself out of that information is doable.
My intention for today is to notice the not OKs and acknowledge them. And breathe, maybe with my hand on my heart if necessary to keep myself company.
Thank you Sas! 🙂 xxx
I’m so glad that feels doable! It’s a great sign that you don’t have resistance to noticing – there is a part of you that knows this is a healthier response.
And yes breathing, hand on heart – beautiful – this feels really positive to me. Do let us know how you get on.
When you feel ready to do more, you’ll know 🙂
So glad this landed for you! I really do think that “boundaries = you change so I can feel better” is such a conversation that’s baked into our culture. Flipping this around so that we are only responsible for what WE do and how we take care of ourselves is such a welcome acknowledgement of our needs and feelings. Love how it places agency back into our corner. Thanks, Sheen!
Dear Lisa and my lovely coaching circle
I am so sorry I could not male it to todays call – had a friend emergency 🙁
I will do everythig nI can to join the Sas session tonight!
Hope to see you ther and please update me on anything I may need to know.
Thank you so much and have a lovely day
Luise
Hi Luise, we missed you on Thursday! How wonderful for your friend to have your support in their emergency.
We spent some time together with our Warrior selves, discussing what’s ok and not ok with us in certain contexts and how we know/feel that. I wonder how this module landed for you.
Hope to see you this week 🙂
Hello-
Not quite sure which module to post under…
I have a boundary issue. My son and his partner live with me (a 3 month temporary stay has become a 22 month stay with no end in sight). Yes there are boundary issues around different expectations vis-a-vis cleaning and specific household chores but these I can negotiate. Ultimately I just prefer to live alone.
I don’t care much for Samuel’s partner and watching the dynamic of their relationship is uncomfortable for me. It triggers much shame and guilt in me around my mothering of Samuel and his sisters when they were young and then leaving their father when they were in their teens.
Samuel and his sisters and I currently have a warm and close relationship.
I do not know where to start to untangle this situation. Lisa suggested Belief Buster or Meaning Making worksheets but I can’t seem to make those work for this.
I am scared that:
I abandoning Samuel (again). (and that means I’m a bad mother)
I will lose my relationship with Samuel because I ask him to move out. (and that means we’ll never be close again)
I will endanger my relationship with my 2 daughters if I don’t have Samuel and Chase move out. (and that means we’ll never be close again and I’ll be alone)
I am being selfish and unreasonable by wanting to live alone even if I could be helping a child by providing free housing, etc. ( and that means I’m a bad and selfish mother/person)
I really can’t afford to underwrite these 2 people when my own savings for retirement is far from ideal (and I’m 63) (and that means I have been historically bad with money so now I can’t do what I should be doing- taking care of my adult children)
I used them to help me get through the process of moving from NC to Vermont and therefore I owe them something now. (and that means I am a weak person and once again used my children for inappropriate emotional support)
Any help on how to approach this is most welcome.
Thank you!
Mary
Mighty Mary, I want to acknowledge you for sharing this here – for trusting us with this situation. It IS a sticky one – no wonder you are feeling a bit unsure of how to proceed. I’d love to help if I can.
I am struck by how many protective beliefs are running around here. You’ve got meaning-making up the whazoo! and all of your meaning-making is hyper-critical of you. Your Protector seems really activated by this situation – it sounds like this part of you doesn’t want you to risk finding out that any of these things are true.
So first let’s breathe!
You’ve done a great job of just writing down what your Protector is worried about.
I am curious to know what your Healthy Adult Self has to say? If you go around the four resources and think about this situation from the perspective of self-belief, self-acceptance, self-worth and self-trust – what do these parts of you want you to know?
Remember, there is no rush to do anything – right now, we are just interested in gathering info!
Thank you Sas for acknowledging the stickiness of this situation, my hyper critical meaning making and my clear articulation of my Protector’s worries. Thank you. Very comforting and de escalating too. Thanks for escorting my prefrontal cortex back online here. 🙂
My healthy Adult Self would very much like to weigh in (thank you for inviting my HAS to this table!!)
My Sovereign says I do have a vision for my remaining wild, precious life: living alone with my 2 much cherished cats using my resources (time, treasure, talent) to more fully embody, accept, embrace and celebrate the unique creature I am.
My Lover says there is so much love in my own tender heart and all around me. There is no scarcity of love here. I embrace myself more and more fully and that is what I’ve always longed for- to come home to my entire self in love.
My Warrior says Babe we’ve got this. I have the inner strength to let both my son and me have our own journeys. My Warrior reminds me that I have trust and faith in my daughters’ abilities to navigate their sacred lives. I can do the same for Samuel and myself. Footnote- My Warrior says that other people’s journeys, including the people I love most in the world-my children, are actually none of my business.
My Sage says I do not need to talk myself out of my deep knowings. My Sage says I have an accurate and understandable inner compass that communicates with me through many mediums including body sensations, Nature, in the quiet promptings of my heart, nudges from the Universe, random-not-random experiences. I have said a full body yes to many moments in my life prompted by my Sage and am grateful for the guidance (usually leading me to more fun, more joy, more love, more me!).
Thank you Sas. xxxxx
“Moment by moment things are losing their hardness; now even my body lets the light through.” Virginia Woolf
Beautiful work!
How great to know that you can access these parts of you, and they have so much helpful support to offer. Even when your Protector is really loud and activated.
So, up until now, you have chosen for your son and his girlfriend to live with you. It sounds like this is no longer ok. Is that right?
Given what your HAS resources have to say – what’s the outcome you want?
Love this Mary. So clear – your HAS knows!
I wonder if there is a protective belief at play here – something that is telling you that you can’t have both?
This is a kind of ‘all or nothing’ thinking that our Protectors can employ.
What does your HAS make of the idea that you can have both?
My HAS believes that yes I can have both AND I have no control over my children so there’s a bit of a wild card (whiff of risk) there.
My Lover says the kids and I have weathered quite a bit in our individual and collective relationships. I have had conversations with each of them concerning my behavior and choices when they were growing up and they have courageously shared their feelings about those times. I have made amends and these resilient and kind people continue to choose to be in relationship with me.
My Lover does admit that some big (read challenging, scary) feelings may arise from asking Samuel and Chase to move out (spoiler: that’s already happening on my side). My Lover reassures me that I can handle my own reactions to this situation and I can handle their responses too. Disappointing Others (which meant Death as a child) is part of our lives not a life ending catastrophe.
My Sovereign and Sage are saying that I can trust that making healthy, heart centered choices is ultimately the kindest, most honest way to be in relationship with these 3 precious people. S/S say that what I want most for these 3 people is also what I want for myself.
My Warrior says that yes there may be disruption with any of these relationships at any time and I can survive that. I can stay open and vulnerable and receptive to change and give all of us the space to be who we are in any given moment. My Warrior believes in me and in these wonderful children of mine.
The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
xxxx
Mary, I am so moved by how you are taking care of yourself in this – alongside Sam and Chase – but there is so much room for Mary here.
You sound SO bloody resourced to me right now.
I am particularly taken with the way you know that you get to love these kids of yours – and there isn’t a damn thing they can do about it! That feels like such a quietly powerful, deep love.
And my sense is that by communicating your needs and your compassion, understanding and love for S&C, they will completely understand (even if they don’t like the disruption to their world in the short term).
How do you feel now about having a conversation? How could you support yourself to prepare for this?
I am a huge Wendell Berry fan and this poem is glorious.
I have prepared by doing all of this work while asking for and receiving the coaching I needed to get to this point of clarity and acceptance.
I can prepare by being well rested, well nourished (in body, mind and spirit) and not in a rush- to find a time that works for them and me.
I can be clear and simple with my communication:
After much reflection, I have come to the decision that I would like to live alone again. My timeframe for you moving out is _____________.
I can prepare by continuing to show up in all the other arenas of my life. For example, a coworker asked me to switch a day with her which I would have historically done without checking in with my Sage- I can do it therefore I should do it. (Hello reflexive Martyr behavior to protect me from the pain of feeling not good enough).
I didn’t respond right away. I let myself gather information on what the switch meant to my own schedule and plans and I checked in to see what my Body Compass had to say. My Body Compass was not giving a green light and instead the dark grey heaviness of no (with a side of resentment) was present. I said no I was unable to because I had my own plans.
Samuel and Chase are currently away and will not both be home until the end of next week so I will not have the conversation until they are both here. The intervening time gives me the opportunity to keep flexing my Warrior muscles, tuning into my Body Compass and listening to my Sage, Lover and Sovereign for any requests from them for specific nourishment. (including what the celebration will look like!)
thank you so much Sas for guiding me through this situation which truly contains al the elements of SBS for me.
xxxx
Ah Mary this is so clear, so healthy and respectful. Sending a MASSIVE BRAVO!
And it’s entirely possible and understandable that you might revisit some ‘protector wobbles’ until you’ve had the conversation.
Just know that we are here, and please feel free to check in anytime for support around this.
Thank you again Sas. Thank you for the permission to have the wobbles!! Just naming the wobbles and acknowledging their presence helps to diminish their influence.
Yes I have so many Protective Beliefs around this situation. Having clarity has enabled me to have a touchstone to return to as the beliefs surface as in “Yes I hear that belief and my HAS has addressed that concern and made a different choice. If there is something more you can show me around the source of the belief, I’m all ears.”
xxx
attached image is a temporary tattoo of a fierce Mountain Lion that is a representation of my Warrior energy that it helping me to remember I do have a strong Warrior at my side. 🙂
Grateful for our conversation yesterday, Sas & Amanda! Despite sleeping poorly last night, I kept my commitment to myself this morning. I got up early, went downstairs and pulled an oracle card (Sarah Greenman’s Creative Alchemy Deck) — fittingly, it was “Make room for a new way of thinking.” <3 So, I spent a o’ time journaling on that, and then read a little bit before doing some physical therapy exercises (hooray for getting old!). As an extra reinforcement, one of our new kittens — who up til this point has been relatively ambivalent toward me except for meal time — crawled into my lap while I was journaling. 🙂 Definitely a nourishing start to the day.
Some thoughts overall on SBS so far (good to put on the advocacy/self worth/warrior page maybe?):
1) Ah-mazing content! Truly essential, fantastically worded. Just so dang wise and helpful.
2) Pacing. I wish we could have paused for the rest of the year after week 5 as the 30 Day Action Plan goal felt huge. I wish I had 30 days of support focused only on that and reviewing the first 1-5 weeks. It seems like most people have fallen off the discussion forums as there aren’t many recent posts in any week. Stabilizing at week 5 would have been a nice time to herd up the sheep, allow people to breath and catch up and really dig in.
Moving forward with more content during the 30 Day Action Plan has been distracting to that plan for me. I could have used more community, small group time, and overall program communication around just the 30 Day Action Plan.
3) Half the Content for Semester One. Perhaps for future SBS cohorts, have the 30 Day Action Plan be the final activity for both semesters one and two. Breaking the Semesters down into weeks 1-5, then 6-10 with a large gap between but both culminating with a final 30 Day Action Plan of your choosing.
4) Community. A different sort of interactive community communication would be super helpful, so people can touch base on goals, ideas, encourage each other to follow up would be helpful to me. It would be great to be able to “@” each other to ask directly how particular things are going. The discussions broken down by weeks, as it is now, with some people missing videos and therefore posting non-chronologically slowly breaks apart the opportunity to connect. We are spread out widely on where we are with the content so the discussions aren’t flourishing. One place to connect regardless of what week someone is on would be helpful.
5) Big Wins. Being the first class ever, our workbook, exercises, wise content, ability to meet in small groups – all have been absolutely fantastic! The caliber of the coaching is top notch as well.
Hi Lovette, I was literally just thinking that I feel like the courage-based goal/plan has been lost in the mix. My goal is really aligned, I made the plan and could see how to move forward, but I haven’t actually started – which is my usual pattern. This is where I need more support but with coaching sessions being module-specific I’m reluctant to be bringing up stuff from a few modules ago!
Oh please do bring up your Goal and challenges Nasreen! We’re making time at the beginning of each Circle to check in on goals.
Do come along to the Group Call this Thursday if you can – I’ll be talking about Courage-based Goals and Healthy Self resources 🙂
Also we’ll be diving into this more in the new year too!
Lovette this is such useful feedback – thank you! You have beat me to it as I am sending out a short questionnaire to gather this from the group this week 🙂
I am realising that the pacing needs work! As you can imagine it’s an imperfect balance to try and anticipate how everyone in the group will absorb this. And to get the programme order as intuitively logical is something I have laboured over a lot.
My thinking was that the Healthy Adult Self resources would feel supportive as you take action on your Goals, but in reality, it hasn’t worked that way. No plan survives first contact with reality, right?! 🙂
Please know I am coming up with an option for everyone and will be communicating this over the next week.
As for the community, unfortunately, there are few options for discussion forums (outside of social media networks), that offer every feature we’d all like – I’ve had a whole team of tech folks weighing up the options! We will have a unified approach to connecting, once we move through the Core Curriculum.
These challenges and constraints aside, I am delighted you are enjoying the programme and the coaching support in particular.
You are certainly one smart cookie as evidenced in every aspect of this program. Absolutely some of these things can only be adjusted after a live first run, such is the nature of things. I look forward to our continued evolution here. So far this program has greatly, positively impacted me overall.
You are the kindest 🙂 So glad to be in your orbit, Lovette xx
Hello everyone-
I am having a strong multi layered response to the Warrior.
My Warrior on behalf of myself is literally on life support most of the time (a pale, anemic, under utilized, forcibly relegated to the dark shadows sliver of energy).
On the other hand, my Warrior energy on behalf of others has always been hypervigilant and ready to burst out of the proverbial phonebooth in full latex battle gear, cape and all, to protect and serve those I perceive as unfairly treated (my Martyr Protector).
Neither one of these is a healthy expression of my Warrior.
The anger (both mine and from the adults in my life) and hurt I experienced as a child I ended up hiding because both were not well received.
I have set “boundaries” only by raging (and frequently leaving a relationship) after I had endured so much violation of my Inner Garden that I was unable to contain the hurt and anger.
I have this enormous capacity to talk myself out of the million small boundary violations that occur until I can no longer hold my seething resentment (which leaks out in toxic ways) until finally Ka Boom explosion!
I have tried identifying my OKs/not OKs before only to yet again swallow my awareness of the violation as soon as a whiff of conflict appears- something there about being absolutely entitled before I can protect myself (which honestly I never am) or valuing other’s needs more than my own to protect myself from the pain of feeling less than.
I am increasingly isolated from true intimacy because I don’t trust myself to manage my own boundaries and advocate as appropriate for my needs and desires. Easier to just take care of myself and my own needs then once again confirming my painful belief that I am just too chicken shit to negotiate a relationship. My Protectors, in their desire to protect me from pain and conflict (which honestly was so scary as a child and continues to be as an adult) are creating self loathing and isolation which are also incredibly painful.
How do I build up my Warrior Energy when I am afraid to take a baby step?
I am asking myself What else could be true other than these ancient stories?
Playing Sara Bareilles’ song “Brave” on repeat before my day at work to inspire me <3
Mary
‘Brave’ sounds absolutely the right soundtrack for you and your Warrior, Mary 🙂
It sounds like your early life experiences have understandably left your Warrior on super high alert – braced for any and all violations. So when you feel your own boundaries being pushed on, your safe place is retreat/freeze. But when you see any injustice persecuted on others, you go into full rescue/fight mode!
I just want to affirm that this is a really well-understood pattern.
What can happen is without healthy modelling, a much younger version of us is in charge of our self-worth. It might feel like your responses are coming from an inner-kid that is desperate to be seen and heard. That makes those rages and the rejection of intimacy you describe, so understandable to me.
I really want to invite you (and Little Mary) to take this Warrior work, super slowly. Right now your Protector is on high alert – like a frightened animal. And you know that animals who are terrified don’t tend to make great decisions. This part of you needs some gentle coaxing and building some safety and trust.
My suggestion for a first baby step is to practice noticing what’s not ok for you.
Just tune into your awareness throughout the day – when you are commuting, at work, with your family, or watching the news – just notice what’s not ok. The practice here is to notice.
Whenever you feel that rage rising, I want you to imagine that frightened animal part of you and practice speaking to this part with compassion. Get into the habit of creating space between noticing something isn’t ok, and taking care of yourself as the first response.
How does that sound to you, Mary?
Thank you Sas. I think the baby step of truly noticing and acknowledging my not OKs without immediately talking myself out of that information is doable.
My intention for today is to notice the not OKs and acknowledge them. And breathe, maybe with my hand on my heart if necessary to keep myself company.
Thank you Sas! 🙂 xxx
I’m so glad that feels doable! It’s a great sign that you don’t have resistance to noticing – there is a part of you that knows this is a healthier response.
And yes breathing, hand on heart – beautiful – this feels really positive to me. Do let us know how you get on.
When you feel ready to do more, you’ll know 🙂
Just watched the ‘Boundaries’ video – and realised that I didn’t really understand what they were before now!! Thought it was about changing the other person, which felt impossible! The process of breaking down the whole situation seems like a game changer! Thanks Sas! : )
So glad this landed for you! I really do think that “boundaries = you change so I can feel better” is such a conversation that’s baked into our culture. Flipping this around so that we are only responsible for what WE do and how we take care of ourselves is such a welcome acknowledgement of our needs and feelings. Love how it places agency back into our corner. Thanks, Sheen!
Dear Lisa and my lovely coaching circle
I am so sorry I could not male it to todays call – had a friend emergency 🙁
I will do everythig nI can to join the Sas session tonight!
Hope to see you ther and please update me on anything I may need to know.
Thank you so much and have a lovely day
Luise
Luise you were definitely missed! <3 Hope to see you next week!
Mary
Hi Luise, we missed you on Thursday! How wonderful for your friend to have your support in their emergency.
We spent some time together with our Warrior selves, discussing what’s ok and not ok with us in certain contexts and how we know/feel that. I wonder how this module landed for you.
Hope to see you this week 🙂
Hello-
Not quite sure which module to post under…
I have a boundary issue. My son and his partner live with me (a 3 month temporary stay has become a 22 month stay with no end in sight). Yes there are boundary issues around different expectations vis-a-vis cleaning and specific household chores but these I can negotiate. Ultimately I just prefer to live alone.
I don’t care much for Samuel’s partner and watching the dynamic of their relationship is uncomfortable for me. It triggers much shame and guilt in me around my mothering of Samuel and his sisters when they were young and then leaving their father when they were in their teens.
Samuel and his sisters and I currently have a warm and close relationship.
I do not know where to start to untangle this situation. Lisa suggested Belief Buster or Meaning Making worksheets but I can’t seem to make those work for this.
I am scared that:
I abandoning Samuel (again). (and that means I’m a bad mother)
I will lose my relationship with Samuel because I ask him to move out. (and that means we’ll never be close again)
I will endanger my relationship with my 2 daughters if I don’t have Samuel and Chase move out. (and that means we’ll never be close again and I’ll be alone)
I am being selfish and unreasonable by wanting to live alone even if I could be helping a child by providing free housing, etc. ( and that means I’m a bad and selfish mother/person)
I really can’t afford to underwrite these 2 people when my own savings for retirement is far from ideal (and I’m 63) (and that means I have been historically bad with money so now I can’t do what I should be doing- taking care of my adult children)
I used them to help me get through the process of moving from NC to Vermont and therefore I owe them something now. (and that means I am a weak person and once again used my children for inappropriate emotional support)
Any help on how to approach this is most welcome.
Thank you!
Mary
Mighty Mary, I want to acknowledge you for sharing this here – for trusting us with this situation. It IS a sticky one – no wonder you are feeling a bit unsure of how to proceed. I’d love to help if I can.
I am struck by how many protective beliefs are running around here. You’ve got meaning-making up the whazoo! and all of your meaning-making is hyper-critical of you. Your Protector seems really activated by this situation – it sounds like this part of you doesn’t want you to risk finding out that any of these things are true.
So first let’s breathe!
You’ve done a great job of just writing down what your Protector is worried about.
I am curious to know what your Healthy Adult Self has to say? If you go around the four resources and think about this situation from the perspective of self-belief, self-acceptance, self-worth and self-trust – what do these parts of you want you to know?
Remember, there is no rush to do anything – right now, we are just interested in gathering info!
Thank you Sas for acknowledging the stickiness of this situation, my hyper critical meaning making and my clear articulation of my Protector’s worries. Thank you. Very comforting and de escalating too. Thanks for escorting my prefrontal cortex back online here. 🙂
My healthy Adult Self would very much like to weigh in (thank you for inviting my HAS to this table!!)
My Sovereign says I do have a vision for my remaining wild, precious life: living alone with my 2 much cherished cats using my resources (time, treasure, talent) to more fully embody, accept, embrace and celebrate the unique creature I am.
My Lover says there is so much love in my own tender heart and all around me. There is no scarcity of love here. I embrace myself more and more fully and that is what I’ve always longed for- to come home to my entire self in love.
My Warrior says Babe we’ve got this. I have the inner strength to let both my son and me have our own journeys. My Warrior reminds me that I have trust and faith in my daughters’ abilities to navigate their sacred lives. I can do the same for Samuel and myself. Footnote- My Warrior says that other people’s journeys, including the people I love most in the world-my children, are actually none of my business.
My Sage says I do not need to talk myself out of my deep knowings. My Sage says I have an accurate and understandable inner compass that communicates with me through many mediums including body sensations, Nature, in the quiet promptings of my heart, nudges from the Universe, random-not-random experiences. I have said a full body yes to many moments in my life prompted by my Sage and am grateful for the guidance (usually leading me to more fun, more joy, more love, more me!).
Thank you Sas. xxxxx
“Moment by moment things are losing their hardness; now even my body lets the light through.” Virginia Woolf
Beautiful work!
How great to know that you can access these parts of you, and they have so much helpful support to offer. Even when your Protector is really loud and activated.
So, up until now, you have chosen for your son and his girlfriend to live with you. It sounds like this is no longer ok. Is that right?
Given what your HAS resources have to say – what’s the outcome you want?
The outcome that I want is to live alone and to continue to be connected to each of my 3 children.
Love this Mary. So clear – your HAS knows!
I wonder if there is a protective belief at play here – something that is telling you that you can’t have both?
This is a kind of ‘all or nothing’ thinking that our Protectors can employ.
What does your HAS make of the idea that you can have both?
My HAS believes that yes I can have both AND I have no control over my children so there’s a bit of a wild card (whiff of risk) there.
My Lover says the kids and I have weathered quite a bit in our individual and collective relationships. I have had conversations with each of them concerning my behavior and choices when they were growing up and they have courageously shared their feelings about those times. I have made amends and these resilient and kind people continue to choose to be in relationship with me.
My Lover does admit that some big (read challenging, scary) feelings may arise from asking Samuel and Chase to move out (spoiler: that’s already happening on my side). My Lover reassures me that I can handle my own reactions to this situation and I can handle their responses too. Disappointing Others (which meant Death as a child) is part of our lives not a life ending catastrophe.
My Sovereign and Sage are saying that I can trust that making healthy, heart centered choices is ultimately the kindest, most honest way to be in relationship with these 3 precious people. S/S say that what I want most for these 3 people is also what I want for myself.
My Warrior says that yes there may be disruption with any of these relationships at any time and I can survive that. I can stay open and vulnerable and receptive to change and give all of us the space to be who we are in any given moment. My Warrior believes in me and in these wonderful children of mine.
The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
xxxx
Mary, I am so moved by how you are taking care of yourself in this – alongside Sam and Chase – but there is so much room for Mary here.
You sound SO bloody resourced to me right now.
I am particularly taken with the way you know that you get to love these kids of yours – and there isn’t a damn thing they can do about it! That feels like such a quietly powerful, deep love.
And my sense is that by communicating your needs and your compassion, understanding and love for S&C, they will completely understand (even if they don’t like the disruption to their world in the short term).
How do you feel now about having a conversation? How could you support yourself to prepare for this?
I am a huge Wendell Berry fan and this poem is glorious.
I have prepared by doing all of this work while asking for and receiving the coaching I needed to get to this point of clarity and acceptance.
I can prepare by being well rested, well nourished (in body, mind and spirit) and not in a rush- to find a time that works for them and me.
I can be clear and simple with my communication:
After much reflection, I have come to the decision that I would like to live alone again. My timeframe for you moving out is _____________.
I can prepare by continuing to show up in all the other arenas of my life. For example, a coworker asked me to switch a day with her which I would have historically done without checking in with my Sage- I can do it therefore I should do it. (Hello reflexive Martyr behavior to protect me from the pain of feeling not good enough).
I didn’t respond right away. I let myself gather information on what the switch meant to my own schedule and plans and I checked in to see what my Body Compass had to say. My Body Compass was not giving a green light and instead the dark grey heaviness of no (with a side of resentment) was present. I said no I was unable to because I had my own plans.
Samuel and Chase are currently away and will not both be home until the end of next week so I will not have the conversation until they are both here. The intervening time gives me the opportunity to keep flexing my Warrior muscles, tuning into my Body Compass and listening to my Sage, Lover and Sovereign for any requests from them for specific nourishment. (including what the celebration will look like!)
thank you so much Sas for guiding me through this situation which truly contains al the elements of SBS for me.
xxxx
Ah Mary this is so clear, so healthy and respectful. Sending a MASSIVE BRAVO!
And it’s entirely possible and understandable that you might revisit some ‘protector wobbles’ until you’ve had the conversation.
Just know that we are here, and please feel free to check in anytime for support around this.
Thank you again Sas. Thank you for the permission to have the wobbles!! Just naming the wobbles and acknowledging their presence helps to diminish their influence.
Yes I have so many Protective Beliefs around this situation. Having clarity has enabled me to have a touchstone to return to as the beliefs surface as in “Yes I hear that belief and my HAS has addressed that concern and made a different choice. If there is something more you can show me around the source of the belief, I’m all ears.”
xxx
attached image is a temporary tattoo of a fierce Mountain Lion that is a representation of my Warrior energy that it helping me to remember I do have a strong Warrior at my side. 🙂
Hiya, please can we get a downloable audio for the ‘meet your warrior’ visualisation?
Grateful for our conversation yesterday, Sas & Amanda! Despite sleeping poorly last night, I kept my commitment to myself this morning. I got up early, went downstairs and pulled an oracle card (Sarah Greenman’s Creative Alchemy Deck) — fittingly, it was “Make room for a new way of thinking.” <3 So, I spent a o’ time journaling on that, and then read a little bit before doing some physical therapy exercises (hooray for getting old!). As an extra reinforcement, one of our new kittens — who up til this point has been relatively ambivalent toward me except for meal time — crawled into my lap while I was journaling. 🙂 Definitely a nourishing start to the day.
Oh that sounds very nourishing Marlo. BRAVO!