Module 3
The Root Causes of Self-Doubt
The Root Causes of Self-Doubt
introduction
Your self-doubt is always here for a damn good reason! Self-doubt is never created in a vacuum. This week is all about exploring what your self-doubt is trying to protect you from, and why this feels risky. This is how we open up to the compassionate work of healing the root causes of our self-doubt.
Coaching Tools:
- Your Life Map
- Psychological Risks
- Uncovering Protective Beliefs
- Belief Biography
As you go through this module, it can be helpful to remember the root causes are always connected to how we have responded to difficult past experiences. This can be in the recent past, or far back in our childhood. Some of our experiences might be pre-verbal bodily memories.
Our younger, less-resourced, less experienced self, made decisions about the best way to preserve safety, acceptance and belonging. This part of us continues to warn us of any risk of repeating those difficult experiences. As we move into future modules, we'll be exploring how to make sense of these experiences.
Some great questions to ask yourself as you go through this module: what is this protecting me from? When do I remember this happening in the past?
There is room in your Self-belief School Playbook to journal and reflect. Please do share your learnings, ponderings, and thoughts in the Discussion below.
Self-belief Schoolers
The discussion forum is where you can ask questions, share your thoughts, learnings, confusion and breakthroughs about this Module.
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Module two
I’ve been working on my life map and I can see the value in doing this, there are happy moments in my life where I can see I worked hard at squashing the self doubt to a point and then there are traumatic things that happened and I can make meaning from these too. These traumatic things or even just moments of self doubt from experiences past often pop in to my head to say hello at the most random times. Seeing them all on paper feels very helpful as we begin this journey.
However, I feel that my self doubt started from a very early age, but besides embarrassment of being told I was wrong or being picked on by other children I can’t think of any specific event/s that could have caused it. Through school I just wanted to be invisible, not be picked for questions, never ever ask for help. It seems the fear of rejection is the most common theme (though I seem to resonate with all 7 in various ways) and I guess as a very young child rejection is the ultimate fear but my upbringing was in a very loving home so I’m unsure why the fear is so strong for me.
I can see similar behaviours so clearly in my three year old which I’m finding very difficult to watch because it’s triggering a lot of feelings I’ve ignored for a long time and of course I don’t want a life of self doubt for her. Also the feeling of guilt of somehow having passed these feelings to her is overwhelming. Could we both just be highly sensitive introverts? Is self doubt a learnt behaviour and I’m confusing what I’m seeing in my daughter for more than what it is?
I’m not really certain what to write for my goal or where to start with it but it’s been a long day so maybe a rewatch tomorrow will help.
Hey Laura – this is such a great share and you ask excellent questions here – thank you.
The very good reasons for self-doubt are usually a combination of your ‘blueprint’ – how you arrived on Planet Earth (your innate tendencies and preferences), combined with your experiences throughout your life, layered with the messages you’ve received from other people.
So self-doubt is how we learn to keep ourselves safe. It paradoxically helps us feel in control, in a world where we have so little control. Often we take on the responsibility for ‘fixing’ situations that feel so difficult. This includes feeling responsible for other people’s behaviour – as you experienced being told you were wrong and being picked on.
Wanting to be invisible and not asking for help – it makes sense that if you never make yourself known, you will be difficult to reject. See how your Protector is keeping you safe by helping you feel control?
Over time these responses develop into a habit that feels innate – ‘this is just who I am’ – but they are learned behaviours.
We just need to find healthier ways to practice responding, when that risk of rejection comes up. Sensitive introverts can have LOADS of self-belief!
I would also offer that as you begin to find other ways of responding to risk, and feel more at ease with your own self-doubt, you are likely to feel less anxious about the impact this may or may not be having on your daughter. You’ll also be modelling healthy ways of being.
Does that help you, Laura?
Thank you for your reply Sas, I’ve read it several times to try and get it to stick.
I think I’ll need lots of reminders that it’s learnt behaviour, far too many years spent thinking this is just how I am.
I got a bit caught up in needing to ‘complete’ my life map and feeling like I needed to trace my self doubt to an event in my early years where it’s likely a culmination of lots of things.
It can break our brains a little bit when we realised that so much of what we think are personality traits, are actually learned protective patterns 🙂
It makes so much sense that you are looking for a single jigsaw piece that puts everything together. And there might be a sense of urgency here because of your loving concern for your daughter.
Go gently with yourself. There is no rush – you are doing an amazing job of being in this programme, trying some stuff out. Keep going xx
Hey Hannah! 10am on Thursday (calls with me are always on Thursdays). This is the full call timetable.
I’m struggling a bit with connecting experiences, and the meaning I’ve made from those, to the psychological risks. I’m also struggling to describe how those risks feel in my body.
In terms of connecting experiences, and the meaning I’ve made from those, to risks I can see some what-feel-like obvious ones but I’m struggling with others. There’s a small but important collection of messy relationships where the meaning I took was that I deserved to be treated badly, that I didn’t deserve kindness or respect. I don’t know how to connect this to a risk. Am I oversimplifying or missing something?
Another example, in these and other situations I let people down. I lost track of friends, I didn’t support people when they needed it, I didn’t say thank you. I conflated these into ‘I’m a bad person’. It feels like there’s lots of potential related risks but I can’t quite make ‘this’ = ‘that’. Which is probably part of the point but I feel like I’m doing it wrong and failure makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I look at the list of key psychological risks and go ‘yip, I totally fear those ones’ but I’m struggling to align those with my experiences. So…help?!?
So the second part of this, feeling the risks in my body. I’ve talked about illness elsewhere and I don’t want to be labelled as a sick person (oh that’s interesting) but…I find it difficult to identify feeling emotions in my body cos I struggle with differentiating between the daily physical symptoms (including pain, fatigue and a heart that is a bit wonky) and the bit where an emotion makes me feel something. I think I probably need to just dig a bit deeper, spend more time in the emotion cycle. But, facetiously, is it an emotion or is it a migraine?
I think, re-reading all of this, that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s what this feels like for me and there’s no factually wrong answers, I’m not going to fail this. It’s reflecting on it and working through the questions for me that is the point. My ‘argh, I don’t think I’m doing this right – help!’ is interesting food for thought in that context.
I love this post so much Fiona – that last paragraph is absolutely your Healthy Adult Self loud and clear. I wonder if writing that felt a little different in your body?
So on the connective tissue between life events and relationships are the formation of risk sensitivity. This is a great overview of the themes you’ve noticed (and that’s the entire point of this so bloody great work!).
It sounds like there are a couple of themes about relationships – something about how you will be treated/how other people see you, and something else about how you will treat other people.
I wonder if the risks you feel sensitive to are also about these themes? Perhaps judgement/criticism and/or rejection? And maybe for how you treat others – that you’ll somehow be disappointing? It looks like there might be an overall risk of losing relationships?
Does this feel like a familiar place for you? Remember we are just trying to know more about why your self-doubt shows up the way it does – it doesn’t need to be bang on precise 🙂
And go gently with the emotions – I’m with your healthy adult self here – just spend a little time noticing more emotions – the good ones too! Notice changes in body sensations and be curious about what that might mean. You are learning the language of your body – it can take some time. It can sometimes be a migraine!
The short story: you are absolutely doing it right 🙂
Hi everyone. I’ve been in bed with covid since Friday, and only today have had enough brain power to engage with the videos (albeit still in my pyjamas). I’m not often ill and it was a huge eye opener for me, seeing it through the lens of self-belief school. I will not accept I need help, even when I can barely stand up! I have felt so so squirmy about my partner making me food and bringing me tea. Anyway.
This squirmy feeling alongside my life map prompted me to have “accept that I have needs and deserve to have them met” as my goal. But perhaps it’s a bit to intangible as a goal because I have been struggling a bit with the protective belief. I think it’s protection from judgement, as in my worry box are things like “people will think I’m selfish” and “once people know what I really want they will judge me”.
I’m just not sure why I am so worried about judgement. It’s not even though the fear is then “and then they will reject me” because actually I don’t seem to have a problem with rejection – less people around mean less to judge me! I only fear failure if others are around to watch (and judge). I’m really good at asserting my needs and desires to myself, it’s only when others are around I defer to them choosing the food/music/holiday destination and absolutely have to put their needs before mine.
From my life map, I guess my role in the family has always been the “good” and “responsible” one. A fun family story is about how when I was two years old, and my grandparents were staying to look after me. Apparently I pointed them to the bin and took them outside to show them where they had to put it on bin day. Everybody else laughs about how cute this is and I just cringe about how I’ve apparently felt so responsible for helping others since I was a baby. Everything I wanted for myself I wanted in secret, it just felt to cringeworthy to open up about (especially when I knew it was a thing that wouldn’t be approved off e.g. tattoos).
Hi Kate — First, I hope your recovery from COVID is a speedy one! So glad you have mugfuls of tea regularly coming your way.
Second, thank you for sharing despite your limited energy at the moment! I’m absolutely positive others here will resonate with what you’ve written.
I’m so struck by your using your current experience as a lens through which to view your relationship to your and other’s needs (I mean, could it get more perfect?). That Protective Belief of, “once people know what I really want they will judge me,” sounds like a very strong belief that you’ve had for most of your life. Your putting others needs, desires, and preferences before your own and holding back on asserting your own makes SO much sense given that you want to protect yourself from being judged. All I’m hearing is that you’re doing a beautiful job of keeping yourself safe from that risk.
Oftentimes the type of judgement you’re describing can simply make us feel like we don’t belong, aren’t liked, or may even create a fear of getting into conflict if you did assert your needs, emotions, and preferences. I’m wondering how that lands for you and if that tracks?
So glad you’re here, Kate!
Oooft the belonging thing really lands. Always felt quite “on the edge” of groups. Conflict, yes, can’t trace it back to an origin story but never been able to deal with a conflict – my skin crawls whenever my partner honks the car horn at somebody (however justified!) Thanks Scott. So much to think about!
Sending all the healing vibes Kate!
I love what Scott has offered you here. And – because I share your self-reliant tendencies (from a very young age) – I wanted to add that for me there is also a flavour of risk around disappointment.
When we are the strong/reliable one we assume that’s how people need us to be all the time. I worry that if I say I have needs, need help, somehow I’ll disappoint them – I won’t be meeting their expectations of me.
Take good care of you (and little you) xx
Kate, I fully feel and resonate with everything here: the content and context, and also covid! (currently healing and today is the first day in almost a week where I can properly look at a screen!) Sending healing vibes your way and thank you so much for sharing, it’s helped me build some insight. Hannah x
I’m working on my protective belief and may need some help refining it. My goal (for this module and I’m hoping it’s something I can complete by year-end for this class) is to finish or at least make significant progress on a photography project I’ve been struggling with for years. I need to get better at: showing up, routine, being with my discomfort, believing I can do it. Instead, I: watch Hulu/Apple TV, read voraciously, putter, fantasize, buy/watch photography/creativity classes. My worries: if I do everything in the first column, I will want to jump out of my skin, all my excuses will be gone, my fantasies will be shown to be just that, I’ll find out I’m kidding myself, it will be hard, something exciting will turn into drudgery.
So far, my protective belief is: I can’t do difficult work because I’m lazy. Secondary to that, or maybe not, is that I have no talent. I know the roots of the lazy thing, and it started very early.
I am definitely a foot on the accelerator/foot on the brake person. Not sure how relevant this is, but when I hear those metaphors together, I think of driving in San Francisco. When I am climbing a steep hill, I hope for a green light (or even a stop sign) at the top. If I get a red light, I engage both the accelerator and the brake and when the light turns green, I gently let up on the brake while pressing down on the gas. It’s a delicate balancing act for me (and a little exhilarating, too), but never once have I plummeted backwards down a hill, and I do get where I’m going.
SO good to see this Susan and yes to your photography project! We need creativity like we need oxygen.
You’ve done a cracking job of revealing what’s happening for you.
Something that might help is to add more things in your ‘Get better at’ list that capture what you would actually do in your project: for example (I’m totally guessing here so obviously replace with yours!) – make a list of images I want to capture, take myself out on photo dates, play with filters/settings, organise my images etc etc. We want this column to capture the actions to bring your goal to life. Feel free to make this list as long as you like if that feels good to you.
You might find that this changes what’s in your worry box – but it also might not.
One thing to notice is that anyone who is procrastinating is not lazy because it’s an active – over-functioning trait. Procrastinators tend to be busy – they are just not working on the thing that feels risky. I wonder if the idea that you are lazy is one of those patterns from the self-doubt loop? Because it’s taken a while to complete things, you’ve understandably believed laziness is a part of your personality. But what if it’s not who you are?
The real key here is what’s in your worry box – that’s your self-doubt rocking up and trying to point out all the reasons why you should procrastinate!
When I look at your worry box, I see an understandable risk of being disappointed. This project has been with you so long, and has taken such an emotional toll, what if it’s not what you imagined? Does that risk feel right to you?
Let me know how this lands and we can figure out the PB together 🙂
Thank you, Sas! Yes, I need to make my “need to do list” more concrete. And dig into the lazy thing, as well. I know it’s not true, but do I really *feel* it? That’s the crunchy part for me.
Another thing that I forgot to mention about the “lazy” belief is that it also stems from school experiences. I was a good student most of the time but it didn’t require a lot of effort. My parochial grade school that my parents sacrificed to send me to was actually not so great, so it was probably easier than it needed to be. I may or may not have inattentive ADHD, but I can say I was daydreaming and half-assing it much of the time and no one noticed. So there’s a large part of me that felt guilty and still believes that if I’m not suffering in some way, I haven’t really put in the effort. So when I have had an important project, I’ve often waited until the very last minute and tortured myself to finish. There, that’ll show me! But with my personal projects, it’s about showing up for myself, and that’s much easier to postpone.
Lots to mull over…
Yes that ‘get better at’ list might change things too – because its likely that these are tasks you WANT to do!
And such a great insight to have about where that lazy idea comes from – see how there is always a reason for our self-doubt? 🙂
I want to swoop back to your Protective Belief for this exercise. One way to find the PB is to sum up what’s in your worry box. From your first share we have: my fantasies will be shown to be just that, I’ll find out I’m kidding myself, it will be hard, something exciting will turn into drudgery.
My sense is that there is something here about not wanting to be disappointed by your project – does this sound like the right kind of risk?
Also on the lazy belief…. (and why I’m not sure if laziness is connected to this project…)
What I notice is that laziness is just one way you’ve interpreted that experience of not feeling sufficiently stimulated at school. You were a good student, daydreamed, half-assed it, possibly with a neurodiverse lens on the world AND no one noticed.
Another way to look at that experience is: ‘school came easy to me.’
Or ‘this wasn’t as hard as I expected’.
See how these interpretations are just as true/valid?
NB: they may not feel true to you just yet – but I want you to entertain the possibility!
Yes, I can definitely see how the interpretations can be true. 🙂 There’s a lot there–chaotic family life, some trauma, etc.
And yes, def true about not wanting to be disappointed by my project. So much embarrassment and self-shaming around not just doing it, too.
I’ll continue to ponder whileI am on vacation. Thank you!
More to add–I just received my printed playbook and that is making a huge difference! It is gorgeous and now I can have everything in one place. That helps my scattered mind. 🙂
I started filling out the protective belief workshop and added a new one: I don’t really believe I can do this project. Also, that kind of success is for others.
Some of the memories/meanings: my boyfriend dying suddenly when I was 23/I can’t handle this, I am alone (also, it was a troubled relationship and there was shame and many thoughtless remarks from people); leaving a relationship about 11 or so years ago/this is too hard, I will break, I will never love again; the year 2011–break-up, my dad dying, horrible work situation/there is something wrong with me, I’m the “difficult” one.
What comes up around all this is that I have experienced periods of heaviness/sadness where I don’t do/put off the things that bring me joy because they feel like too much. And yet, when I take tiny steps, I feel lighter, happier, more confident. Have to keep learning that same lesson again and again. Or teaching myself that same lesson?
Fantastic to hear you have your Playbook Susan!
Bravo on uncovering some of those protective beliefs. It sounds like you have navigated a lot of experiences where you felt alone in your sadness and loss. I really hear you, that joy can feel a bit much.
I’ve found that those of us who have often felt overwhelmed and alone in difficult times, often have a hard time really trusting joy.
I love that you are feeling lighter and happier and more confident from the tiny steps! You are allowing yourself to experience good things in ways that feel manageable. Our tolerance for any emotional state we find a bit disconcerting grows as we allow it in.
Just notice your tolerance for joy growing as you continue to take steps forward!
Great work 🙂
Thank you, Sas!
Yes, I am working on my tolerance for good things (that feels funny to say for me, as I don’t deny myself pleasure). It’s funny, I do and have always experienced moments of great joy and I allow them, but the idea that these moments can be sustained and part of a mostly joyful life is what I struggle with. Partly because no one’s life is 100% that way, but also because I will feel these moments and underneath, know that they’re fleeting. Almost like, well this is wonderful and I know I will be back to my real life at some point–some sadness, some disappointment in myself, some letting myself down. Which is what I’m feeling from the idea of not trusting joy. It’s totally there, I can see it, I can be in it for a bit, but it’s often just out of reach.
Hello everyone.
So I am re-engaging and starting to do my homework after what feels like a lifetime (but in fact has been about a week) of being in a covid hole. I am going gently.
Life Map:
Firstly, I have found it so much easier to recall sad, painful and difficult memories rather than happy, positive ones – which made me feel pretty uncomfortable – I think feeling some guilt here maybe?
It’s almost like I can hear a voice in the back of my head which is trying to invalidate my experience – trying and get rid of the negative memories or minimise their significance. Something along the lines of ‘yes these things happened to you, but they weren’t that bad, stop trying to make it into such a big deal, you’re just being dramatic’ However in reality, I know some of these painful experiences really were very significant, and tbh, in the grand scheme of life, pretty fucking bad.
Here’s some stuff that’s coming up:
- I have a lot of fear around the risk of losing relationships, or being rejected by people who are significant in my life.
- There is something crunchy going on with work and money and what I am capable of. I am smart, hardworking and well educated, and have lots of good ideas, but for some reason (self-doubt!) I have never earned more than £20k per annum, and have lots of limiting beliefs around money and what I am capable of achieving. I really am so ready to change this.
My goal:
Find or develop meaningful work (or work that I enjoy and gain a true sense of purpose from) that also pays well.
Is this too lofty, or too unattainable for a goal? Do I need to be more specific and set myself actual numbers?
I have really been shifting and playing with ideas about what I want work to be, or what I can look like, or how to develop a work path that works for me.
I notice I have been in this thought about my work for a long time now. I tend to engage in a lot of passive behaviours: look at other peoples lives and the type of work I want to do and make up all sorts of stories about how it’s ‘easier for them’, or even that they must have had some good financial start-up money to get where they are. Or I go into paralysis and do nothing, or procrastination and just put off all the things.
I’d love some feedback or insight if there is anything you can see that’s coming up, or any pointers as to how to get clearer (could also just be my cloudy covid head!).
Thank you x
Hannah! I’ve loved reading your share over my morning coffee 🙂 So happy to offer you some thoughts.
Bravo for getting into the Life Map. I just really want to affirm that those significant, painful experiences that were pretty fucking bad as you say – are that. You can call them what they are to you.
That voice at the back of your head sounds like it wants to diminish those experiences. I wonder if that feels like your voice, or if it belongs to someone else? Sometimes when we share what has happened to us, and that isn’t held well, we can internalise the feedback (verbal and non-verbal) that we get.
Just by naming it right here, you are advocating for the experience of past-Hannah who went through those things. I find that very moving.
And it’s great you’ve found a couple of themes from your Life Map to play with – relationships and work and money – these are juicy ones!
I would love to see you take one of those into the next exercise in Module Two (Uncovering Protective Beliefs) just to explore this a bit more. If you are able to make the call this morning, we are going to do this together 🙂
Your goal sounds fabulous! I think that is a great intention to take into this programme. We can talk more about what might be supportive for you in Module 5 when we look at Courage-based Goals. Because that is something I want you to have the experience of completing in 30-ish days, it could be that getting out of that procrastination and paralysis and claiming a direction of travel for the work you want to do, would really help!
My approach to finding work you love is less about naming a job and more: ‘here are the kinds of things I want to do every day, this is the environment that I would thrive in, these are the values I hold dear and get to express through my work‘.
And if that kind of approach appeals, then we are going to have some fun, Hannah 🙂
Thank you so much for your insight and feedback Sas, it has really helped me to shed some light.
Yes, actually, now you mention it, I think the voice belongs to my Mum. Which again brings up some guilt and makes me want to clarify and defend that she is a great mum and did her best, and yet I know she can be both a great mum and also make comments that hurt.
I absolutely love your approach to finding work I love, I have just written those prompts down!
I am so excited to join you on the call this morning – see you then!
My life map is overwhelmingly positive but after re-watching the videos and the coaching call I realised that I left off things that were not necessarily big events but situations that repeated themselves/underlying expectations that I felt/ways of dealing with conflict in my family. So while previously it didn’t seem like risk of rejection was a big one for me, maybe it actually is. I can see something underneath, conditions attached to positive beliefs: I’m smart and creative and good at most things and people love me because of that. Even though I’m smart and creative and pretty boys don’t like me so something about me is unloveable. I can do everything right but if I get pregnant out of wedlock I will be kicked out of home so one failure undoes all previous success. So that looks like fear of failure and rejection, am I right?
Another one that seems to have a disproportionate impact is the risk of disappointment – I notice that disappointment is the only feeling in the key psychological risks. One that feels bad. I learned to avoid bad feelings, not to let things affect me, make them slide off me like water off a duck’s back. Previously I avoided things that could cause disappointment. When I decided to stop holding myself back I no longer avoided disappointment outright but I certainly pretended not to be disappointed when I was!
This is such a rich share Nasreen – and yes once we get the big events on paper, it’s often the smaller, more repeated messages that can have a lasting impact.
You’ve done a great job of seeing how you’ve created meaning out of these messages. At this stage, we are getting some ‘working theories’ that help to explain your risk sensitivity.
So yes, disappointment, rejection, failure – I absolutely see that in your share.
One thing I get the sense of is an overall story that somehow you need to do more/be more than who you are, to be loved. Does that ring true for you?
The kinds of protective patterns that can show up with this combo:
- don’t allow ourselves to feel too much + develop some emotional ‘armour’
- adding bells and whistles to our accounts of ourselves (especially to the people we feel won’t accept us unless we are more than ourselves)
- charisma! we get really good at charming people and showing our best side (my therapist called this ‘sending in the representative’ which I love!)
- hard work – we get really good at going beyond what we believe other people do, often there is a fear of being ‘ordinary’…
I wonder if any of these resonate? They make so much sense when we have a protective belief that says who we are and what we do is going to be disappointing.
Hello!
I am seeing this quote from Sas and it is feeling so real and true for me this time around in SBS.
It can break our brains a little bit when we realised that so much of what we think are personality traits, are actually learned protective patterns
I enrolled in SBS to learn how to be more functional (meaning how to not let my self doubt hold me back from doing what I said I wanted to do which actually meant (at the time) to do the things I thought I should be doing). It really was an act of desperation to relieve some of the pain of my day to day choices (all the avoidance behaviors that Sas has so clearly identified- procrastination via passive behaviors is my favorite!! totally outed here in SBS!!).
SBS is helping me to make healthier choices aligned with my Values as I learn how my Protector and Underlying Protective Beliefs influence my emotions and actions. I have seen so much welcome growth in the last 6 months!! Thank you to everyone here!!
What I was not expecting and am seeing so much more clearly this second time around is how I am shifting seeing who I am without these protective stories and behaviors. I actually don’t know in many ways who I am. I thought I was lazy, unmotivated, unable to stick with anything that required more than a modicum of effort, dishonest, unredeemable people pleaser, the list goes on……
Now I am seeing that my Core Belief of “I’m not good enough for other people” produced a Protector who advocated for actions that produced “evidence” that produced reinforcing stories that sent me back into the same behaviors that reinforced the beliefs……….head spinning.
Taking it slow and easy today. Listening to my precious self as the Gordian knot of stories and beliefs are loosening their (death) grip on my sweet self.
With much gratitude,
xx
Mary
Hello again-
Watching the Belief biography video and the Life Map video and wondering where does Shame come into all of this? Admittedly shame is a very familiar, very dreaded and very uncomfortable emotion for me. I wonder if My Protector is using Shame to scare me into “Safe Choices” and/or using Shame to distract me from feeling other even more uncomfortable emotions like anger and grief?
Looking forward to your responses!
xx
Mary
Mary that makes TOTAL sense. Yes Shame is a biggie – its one of the trickiest emotions to experience.
What do you think shame might be trying to protect you from?
Anger, grief – yes.
What do you worry might happen if you experienced shame, anger or grief? (There might. be different risks for each emotion).
I am scared (or at least my Protector is telling me it is scary) to experience my anger or grief. My Protector says my anger will cause a fireball of destruction and consequences just the first of which is losing the title of “Miss Good Girl” and ends with me abandoned, jobless and homeless.
Very classic All or Nothing thinking here.
My Protector says “What’s to be sad about? Look at you- healthy, 3 kids (which are finally all out of the house! thank you SBS), a well paying job. Look ahead, look ahead- If you turn and look at the Grief you will turn into a pillar of salt.”
Something like I don’t deserve to be sad because “All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds” and by the way it happened a long time ago and enough already and what will feeling the sadness change anyway? Oh and ultimately it’s my fault so oooh, don’t go there.
Again my classic All or Nothing thinking.
And Shame my old friend. The classic whip to keep me in line because I did not trust myself to Do The Right Thing.
I have referenced outside authorities to determine The Right Thing. SBS is inviting me to look inward for my Sovereign and Values for determining what is the best choice at the moment with the information I have, knowing that ultimately I always have my own back and cannot be abandoned because I am here and can be counted on to cherish and protect My Sweet Self.
Can I just invite you to picture me waving MASSIVE pom poms for you Mary! Notice how lovingly detached you are witnessing your Protector – bringing in your HAS voice – being curious, noticing that All or Nothing. Bloody bravo!
I also just want to offer that Shame, Anger and Grief are some of the trickiest emotions to experience – so you cannot offer yourself too much compassion as you explore these.
I wonder if it helps to see this as an experiment to ‘gently expand your capacity to be with these tricky emotions’?
We can come up with some ‘fun’ ways to do that!
So for example – Grief. Can you make/google a list of sad movies, or a soundtrack, books etc? Anything that sets you off and will allow you to experience Grief.
You could do this with Anger too! What makes you angry about the world? Could you make a big assed rant list and take it to a kick-boxing class?
Shame might be a bit trickier but we can take it one step at a time.
How does that land for you Mary?
Hi there! I’m going through this lesson and I’m stuck on the belief biography. I have gone through the risks section and uncovered my primary risks that I experience our failure, embarrassment, and loss. I also see rejection, judgment, disappointment show up occasionally. Failure is definitely at the top of this list. I can attach stories of why this set of risks stood out based off of things in my life map.
Here are some protective beliefs that I think I uncovered, But I’m not sure if this is correct, so I’m checking in: “if I make a mistake, people won’t love me, and I won’t be safe,” ‘if I don’t overwork, I will lose my job,” “The only way to be safe is to be perfect, work hard, never make mistakes, not to upset anybody or hurt their feelings, overwork -though I never really say it that way, but the concept is the same – maybe just not let anyone down both at work and in personal relationships.
So now I’m not sure what to do with the belief biography. Do I take each protective belief I defined and put it in the center and map it to my stories from my life map?
I think part of the problem is I’m doing everything at once. Maybe I need to do 1 exercise to uncover a protective belief in the worksheet and use the belief biography worksheet for the same protective belief?
So for example – the goal was to rid myself of clutter in my home by selling/donating my extra clothes I wasn’t using anymore. I tried to list some items but met a ton of resistance. When I worked through this with Marion, we realized it had very little to do with the clothes and everything to do with letting go of a version of myself I was when I was wearing those clothes, which I felt I was giving up on. So failure was coming up here, a feeling of loss, also some disappointment. Optimizing my sale of these clothes was a way to compensate. If I got some money from it, I could deal with my failure, maybe?
So…the protective belief is? If I get rid of these things I’ll have admitted I’ve failed at being the person I once was and have to let that go? I
I have a few other goals, but I should probably tackle this one first. 🙂
It’s lovely to hear that this approach is helping you to uncover more about how you have learned to create safety for yourself, Priti. That’s what all these Protective Beliefs are designed to do: they tell us what we need to do to stay safe.
But the thing to remember is that this kind of protective safety will often start to feel unsatisfying. The only way to really stay safe in life is to say nothing and do nothing – and this is not really living!
I notice that you are taking a very thorough approach to this programme – I wonder if there is a belief that you need to do this perfectly?
Right now, I see you attempting to uncover ALL your protective beliefs – that’s a lot for anyone!
You don’t need to go into every belief and create a biography – just do that if it feels like it would be helpful. Sometimes it can be really helpful to explore the experiences that helped create and reinforce a belief – this is why it can feel like The Truth and the only way you can respond.
It sounds like you have a really good idea of this belief and how its showing up. So I would love to see you take this into M4 where you can start to play with Changing your Self-doubt Story. This is where you can start to experiment with letting go of perfection.
Yes, the doing things perfectly is a pattern for me. I am working through this and I got a suggestion today to maybe make an experiment to doing things “good enough” and maybe the way I can do that is by setting a timer for a section. The first 3 were especially challenging because they brought up some difficult events. Also, maybe I’m attaching too much to the outcome of the program so I’m trying to extract as much as I can from it.
Uncovering Protective Beliefs
wow – difficult! Your thoughts would be appreciated.
My goal was to have Career Confidence.
I’m learning about what I should be doing to get to this goal. I’m finding my networks and engaging with LinkedIn etc. I know I should research and study more but I procrastinate. I give the impression I’m being constructive but its half hearted. There could be an avoidance of responsibility somewhere here.
My worry is that im not good enough, that I’ll be judged because I dont know enough or care enough – it’ll be embarrassing. I worry that its too complicated and everyone else knows more and is better than me, more intelligent.
Is this my belief protecting me from judgement, failure, complexity…?
What does it sound like to you?
Thank you All.
Hey Andrea it’s so good to see you playing with this and I’d love to support you.
My sense is that you are looking at the behaviours – the constructive stuff! – but without looking at the protective beliefs that are there, they tend to pop up like whack-a-mole.
What we want to do is understand more about the protective beliefs and where they come from and what they are trying to protect you from.
Then when you take action, you don’t have so much ‘work’ to do to quell those risks.
I wonder if you can make it to tomorrow’s coaching call (11am UK time, 6th Dec)? I’d love to coach you on this!
In the meantime (and in case you can’t make it to the call), can you tell me more about career confidence?
How would you describe your relationship with career confidence?
What is your current experience of this?
Feel free to blurt/list – what do you say to yourself about this? how do you feel? what are you doing/not doing as a result?
Hi Sas, sorry I couldn’t make the call on the 6th, that day/ time clashes with a work call I can’t get out of. I enjoyed the call on the 20th however (even though I cried! It’s been a bonkers year).
So…delayed as this might be here is my response to your questions.
My goal to have ‘career confidence’ stems from being put at risk of redundancy and after 21 years in one company, this has shaken me – made me question a lot. Work has always been my constant so I rely on it. Anyway, fast-forward 6 months and the good news is, I have a new job in the same company so the waters are calm again for a while longer. Phew!
To answer your questions in a blurt!:
How would you describe your relationship with career confidence? I’m much more comfortable in an assistant role dodging the responsibility and pressure of leadership roles. However over the years I’ve slowly progressed into the role I’m in now which has a healthy salary which sits awkwardly as I question whether or not I’m worthy or can handle the responsibility. Am I good enough? Will I be judged if I fail?
What is your current experience of this? I’m not confident unless I have all the facts – Bystander yes? And I can never have all the facts as work is so insanely varied. But this belief could be shifting now, the past 6 months has taught me a lot – fear will do that I guess. I don’t necessarily need to know everything, I just need to know how to create a team to figure it out.
What do you say to yourself about this? how do you feel? The conversations I have in my head is that I’m not good enough, confident enough or interesting enough and I certainly don’t know enough – I’m not capable like I witness others being. How on earth do they know so much?! How do they do it?!
I feel nervous about starting a new job (even if it is in the same company), I will have to prove myself and what would happen if I’m rubbish at the job, that it turns out to be something I cannot do or, even worse, I hate it and I’ve made a mistake by accepting it. Where does that leave me? Starting again? Missed a financial/ vocational opportunity. Agh!
What are you doing/not doing as a result?
Staying with one company for so long has has it’s benefits but it is making it harder for me to leave, to take the money and run! I believe I’m institutionalised and wouldn’t survive in ‘the outside world’! Because I don’t have career confidence in what I do I haven’t taken the opportunity to leave and try something new (who knows what that would even look like??). I’m not taking risks, but I know I’m risk adverse so that’s OK.
What I am doing is seeing a Career Coach to help me define my vocation (Change Management seems to be the thing that keeps coming up. With the SBS by my side, I’ll explore this and see where it takes me).
Gosh! that was a blurt – hope you can decipher something from it! haha. I’m only on module 3 nearly 4 so it’s early days for me with figuring out my protective beliefs.
Andrea this is so rich – thank you for sharing! I loved reading this – I missed this before the hols so its a joy to come back to you now 🙂
If you read back over your words what are the protective beliefs you notice?
The thing about protective beliefs is that they aren’t Facts – but they feel really true!
A couple that pop up for me:
Everybody else is more capable than me.
I won’t make it anywhere else.
Do they resonate?
These are ‘screwed both ways’ type beliefs 🙂 Like you aren’t good enough to be here, or to leave. This is such a sophisticated protective pattern!
So another question for you: when is the first time you remember experiencing these beliefs? When did you start to think versions of: everyone else is better/I’m not good enough?
It might be that it seems you’ve always felt that. Just ponder this and let yourself remember the incidents and experiences that stand out.
We want to get a sense of where this comes from so we can figure out how to help the part of you that believes this is true.
Feel free to send a list of memories or pop along to a coaching call 🙂
Also: I love that you are working with a career coach alongside SBS. It means that as we get underneath these beliefs, you’ll be ready to make whatever changes you want based on what feels good – rather than what’s the least risky. Bravo!
Hello Sas,
I can resonate with those Protective Beliefs you mentioned – thank you. This sentence is spot on: I’m not good enough to be here, or to leave – no wonder I’m in the state I’m in?! ha.
Looking at my Life Map – some memories which stand out for me are not to do with my career but could possibly still translate over into the working world.
I don’t know whether it was the mood I was in when writing my Life Map, but I seem to have listed the demise of various friendships. Friends that have not felt the same as me, were not as invested in the friendship as me (to my standard?), left me and moved to a different city or chosen not to move to the same place as me.
I also included a list of failed relationships – was I was looking for evidence of rejection – or did they just naturally pop up as memories?
One memory which is possibly more interesting, is a repeated memory of discussing exams, what subjects to take at school and career ideas and thoughts with my Dad. I have clear memories of him dismissing my career ideas as he deemed them too competitive for me – and he said as such. He is right, I’m not competitive. I’ve never known what I wanted to do – never had that drive or ambition. But is that where the seed of doubt was planted I wonder? Could I have been a Vet* for example if I was told I was good enough, smart enough, driven enough? Fortunately, my sister and I are both educated, well-travelled, independent feminists which could be unusual being raised my a man who thought it nice for men to take care of women.
*I’m sure every young teenager goes through a phase of wanting to be a Vet.
My career has been a slow and steady progression – I’ve stayed within my comfort zone and got more jobs than I didn’t. I try not to dismiss my career fortune as simply ‘luck’. My dad puts his career success down to luck. He has often said he wasn’t particularly good at his job he was just in the right place at the right time. (I’ve challenged him on this a few times but his belief is set in stone).
As for ‘Everyone else is more capable than me’. I was a late developer and everyone around me had puberty (!), the career, the marriage, the kids before me. I never got married and immediately stopped at one kid! I watched friends have acceptance, love, the ability to run a house, have a career AND appear engaged with the news / social media all while remembering to wash their hair. They ‘grew up’ before me and still appear to have more of their shit together than me?! Why does the Bystander and ScapeGoat keep appearing for me… I need to keep digging, I’d like to get to the crux of this so will keep pondering. Thank you for your support.
I’d love to attend a Coaching call – I need to try to get out of the Weds meetings I have at 11am.
This is great rich insight – I can see how much self-awareness and curiosity you have. And those memories are so useful to play with.
What often happens is that we receive feedback from the world, we decide it’s true, and then we never question it. Even when that feedback no longer fits us, or is only partially ‘right’.
That feedback can be directly from another person: eg: Dad’s belief that you are not competitive enough for the work you want to do. The feedback can also come from how we interpret our experiences: eg: my friends are not invested in our relationship.
I’d love you to take one of those memories and use the Meaning Making Map from Module 4 to explore this.
It’s four questions to help you broaden the story – to ‘thicken the narrative’ around these experiences. What you start to see is that you can bring your Healthy Adult Self to these memories so you can decide if the meaning is still true for you.
My thinking here is that you can start to see what else can be true for you now.
Have a play with this and let me know what comes up 🙂
I’ve been working on my life map and I can see the value in doing this, there are happy moments in my life where I can see I worked hard at squashing the self doubt to a point and then there are traumatic things that happened and I can make meaning from these too. These traumatic things or even just moments of self doubt from experiences past often pop in to my head to say hello at the most random times. Seeing them all on paper feels very helpful as we begin this journey.
However, I feel that my self doubt started from a very early age, but besides embarrassment of being told I was wrong or being picked on by other children I can’t think of any specific event/s that could have caused it. Through school I just wanted to be invisible, not be picked for questions, never ever ask for help. It seems the fear of rejection is the most common theme (though I seem to resonate with all 7 in various ways) and I guess as a very young child rejection is the ultimate fear but my upbringing was in a very loving home so I’m unsure why the fear is so strong for me.
I can see similar behaviours so clearly in my three year old which I’m finding very difficult to watch because it’s triggering a lot of feelings I’ve ignored for a long time and of course I don’t want a life of self doubt for her. Also the feeling of guilt of somehow having passed these feelings to her is overwhelming. Could we both just be highly sensitive introverts? Is self doubt a learnt behaviour and I’m confusing what I’m seeing in my daughter for more than what it is?
I’m not really certain what to write for my goal or where to start with it but it’s been a long day so maybe a rewatch tomorrow will help.
Hey Laura – this is such a great share and you ask excellent questions here – thank you.
The very good reasons for self-doubt are usually a combination of your ‘blueprint’ – how you arrived on Planet Earth (your innate tendencies and preferences), combined with your experiences throughout your life, layered with the messages you’ve received from other people.
So self-doubt is how we learn to keep ourselves safe. It paradoxically helps us feel in control, in a world where we have so little control. Often we take on the responsibility for ‘fixing’ situations that feel so difficult. This includes feeling responsible for other people’s behaviour – as you experienced being told you were wrong and being picked on.
Wanting to be invisible and not asking for help – it makes sense that if you never make yourself known, you will be difficult to reject. See how your Protector is keeping you safe by helping you feel control?
Over time these responses develop into a habit that feels innate – ‘this is just who I am’ – but they are learned behaviours.
We just need to find healthier ways to practice responding, when that risk of rejection comes up. Sensitive introverts can have LOADS of self-belief!
I would also offer that as you begin to find other ways of responding to risk, and feel more at ease with your own self-doubt, you are likely to feel less anxious about the impact this may or may not be having on your daughter. You’ll also be modelling healthy ways of being.
Does that help you, Laura?
Thank you for your reply Sas, I’ve read it several times to try and get it to stick.
I think I’ll need lots of reminders that it’s learnt behaviour, far too many years spent thinking this is just how I am.
I got a bit caught up in needing to ‘complete’ my life map and feeling like I needed to trace my self doubt to an event in my early years where it’s likely a culmination of lots of things.
It can break our brains a little bit when we realised that so much of what we think are personality traits, are actually learned protective patterns 🙂
It makes so much sense that you are looking for a single jigsaw piece that puts everything together. And there might be a sense of urgency here because of your loving concern for your daughter.
Go gently with yourself. There is no rush – you are doing an amazing job of being in this programme, trying some stuff out. Keep going xx
Is the call at 10am or 8pm today?x
Hey Hannah! 10am on Thursday (calls with me are always on Thursdays). This is the full call timetable.
Ah, thanks Sas ❤️ I got a little confused there, appreciate you clarifying x
I’m struggling a bit with connecting experiences, and the meaning I’ve made from those, to the psychological risks. I’m also struggling to describe how those risks feel in my body.
In terms of connecting experiences, and the meaning I’ve made from those, to risks I can see some what-feel-like obvious ones but I’m struggling with others. There’s a small but important collection of messy relationships where the meaning I took was that I deserved to be treated badly, that I didn’t deserve kindness or respect. I don’t know how to connect this to a risk. Am I oversimplifying or missing something?
Another example, in these and other situations I let people down. I lost track of friends, I didn’t support people when they needed it, I didn’t say thank you. I conflated these into ‘I’m a bad person’. It feels like there’s lots of potential related risks but I can’t quite make ‘this’ = ‘that’. Which is probably part of the point but I feel like I’m doing it wrong and failure makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I look at the list of key psychological risks and go ‘yip, I totally fear those ones’ but I’m struggling to align those with my experiences. So…help?!?
So the second part of this, feeling the risks in my body. I’ve talked about illness elsewhere and I don’t want to be labelled as a sick person (oh that’s interesting) but…I find it difficult to identify feeling emotions in my body cos I struggle with differentiating between the daily physical symptoms (including pain, fatigue and a heart that is a bit wonky) and the bit where an emotion makes me feel something. I think I probably need to just dig a bit deeper, spend more time in the emotion cycle. But, facetiously, is it an emotion or is it a migraine?
I think, re-reading all of this, that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s what this feels like for me and there’s no factually wrong answers, I’m not going to fail this. It’s reflecting on it and working through the questions for me that is the point. My ‘argh, I don’t think I’m doing this right – help!’ is interesting food for thought in that context.
I love this post so much Fiona – that last paragraph is absolutely your Healthy Adult Self loud and clear. I wonder if writing that felt a little different in your body?
So on the connective tissue between life events and relationships are the formation of risk sensitivity. This is a great overview of the themes you’ve noticed (and that’s the entire point of this so bloody great work!).
It sounds like there are a couple of themes about relationships – something about how you will be treated/how other people see you, and something else about how you will treat other people.
I wonder if the risks you feel sensitive to are also about these themes? Perhaps judgement/criticism and/or rejection? And maybe for how you treat others – that you’ll somehow be disappointing? It looks like there might be an overall risk of losing relationships?
Does this feel like a familiar place for you? Remember we are just trying to know more about why your self-doubt shows up the way it does – it doesn’t need to be bang on precise 🙂
And go gently with the emotions – I’m with your healthy adult self here – just spend a little time noticing more emotions – the good ones too! Notice changes in body sensations and be curious about what that might mean. You are learning the language of your body – it can take some time. It can sometimes be a migraine!
The short story: you are absolutely doing it right 🙂
Hi everyone. I’ve been in bed with covid since Friday, and only today have had enough brain power to engage with the videos (albeit still in my pyjamas). I’m not often ill and it was a huge eye opener for me, seeing it through the lens of self-belief school. I will not accept I need help, even when I can barely stand up! I have felt so so squirmy about my partner making me food and bringing me tea. Anyway.
This squirmy feeling alongside my life map prompted me to have “accept that I have needs and deserve to have them met” as my goal. But perhaps it’s a bit to intangible as a goal because I have been struggling a bit with the protective belief. I think it’s protection from judgement, as in my worry box are things like “people will think I’m selfish” and “once people know what I really want they will judge me”.
I’m just not sure why I am so worried about judgement. It’s not even though the fear is then “and then they will reject me” because actually I don’t seem to have a problem with rejection – less people around mean less to judge me! I only fear failure if others are around to watch (and judge). I’m really good at asserting my needs and desires to myself, it’s only when others are around I defer to them choosing the food/music/holiday destination and absolutely have to put their needs before mine.
From my life map, I guess my role in the family has always been the “good” and “responsible” one. A fun family story is about how when I was two years old, and my grandparents were staying to look after me. Apparently I pointed them to the bin and took them outside to show them where they had to put it on bin day. Everybody else laughs about how cute this is and I just cringe about how I’ve apparently felt so responsible for helping others since I was a baby. Everything I wanted for myself I wanted in secret, it just felt to cringeworthy to open up about (especially when I knew it was a thing that wouldn’t be approved off e.g. tattoos).
Hi Kate — First, I hope your recovery from COVID is a speedy one! So glad you have mugfuls of tea regularly coming your way.
Second, thank you for sharing despite your limited energy at the moment! I’m absolutely positive others here will resonate with what you’ve written.
I’m so struck by your using your current experience as a lens through which to view your relationship to your and other’s needs (I mean, could it get more perfect?). That Protective Belief of, “once people know what I really want they will judge me,” sounds like a very strong belief that you’ve had for most of your life. Your putting others needs, desires, and preferences before your own and holding back on asserting your own makes SO much sense given that you want to protect yourself from being judged. All I’m hearing is that you’re doing a beautiful job of keeping yourself safe from that risk.
Oftentimes the type of judgement you’re describing can simply make us feel like we don’t belong, aren’t liked, or may even create a fear of getting into conflict if you did assert your needs, emotions, and preferences. I’m wondering how that lands for you and if that tracks?
So glad you’re here, Kate!
Oooft the belonging thing really lands. Always felt quite “on the edge” of groups. Conflict, yes, can’t trace it back to an origin story but never been able to deal with a conflict – my skin crawls whenever my partner honks the car horn at somebody (however justified!) Thanks Scott. So much to think about!
Sending all the healing vibes Kate!
I love what Scott has offered you here. And – because I share your self-reliant tendencies (from a very young age) – I wanted to add that for me there is also a flavour of risk around disappointment.
When we are the strong/reliable one we assume that’s how people need us to be all the time. I worry that if I say I have needs, need help, somehow I’ll disappoint them – I won’t be meeting their expectations of me.
Take good care of you (and little you) xx
Thanks Sas. So many risks – I was hoping to narrow it down! Alas, I think complexity is also one for me. I just want there to be a simple answer x
Kate, I fully feel and resonate with everything here: the content and context, and also covid! (currently healing and today is the first day in almost a week where I can properly look at a screen!) Sending healing vibes your way and thank you so much for sharing, it’s helped me build some insight. Hannah x
Hi Hannah, I’m so sorry you’ve been ill too! Thanks for the healing vibes, I’m sending some your way too xx
I’m working on my protective belief and may need some help refining it. My goal (for this module and I’m hoping it’s something I can complete by year-end for this class) is to finish or at least make significant progress on a photography project I’ve been struggling with for years. I need to get better at: showing up, routine, being with my discomfort, believing I can do it. Instead, I: watch Hulu/Apple TV, read voraciously, putter, fantasize, buy/watch photography/creativity classes. My worries: if I do everything in the first column, I will want to jump out of my skin, all my excuses will be gone, my fantasies will be shown to be just that, I’ll find out I’m kidding myself, it will be hard, something exciting will turn into drudgery.
So far, my protective belief is: I can’t do difficult work because I’m lazy. Secondary to that, or maybe not, is that I have no talent. I know the roots of the lazy thing, and it started very early.
I am definitely a foot on the accelerator/foot on the brake person. Not sure how relevant this is, but when I hear those metaphors together, I think of driving in San Francisco. When I am climbing a steep hill, I hope for a green light (or even a stop sign) at the top. If I get a red light, I engage both the accelerator and the brake and when the light turns green, I gently let up on the brake while pressing down on the gas. It’s a delicate balancing act for me (and a little exhilarating, too), but never once have I plummeted backwards down a hill, and I do get where I’m going.
SO good to see this Susan and yes to your photography project! We need creativity like we need oxygen.
You’ve done a cracking job of revealing what’s happening for you.
Something that might help is to add more things in your ‘Get better at’ list that capture what you would actually do in your project: for example (I’m totally guessing here so obviously replace with yours!) – make a list of images I want to capture, take myself out on photo dates, play with filters/settings, organise my images etc etc. We want this column to capture the actions to bring your goal to life. Feel free to make this list as long as you like if that feels good to you.
You might find that this changes what’s in your worry box – but it also might not.
One thing to notice is that anyone who is procrastinating is not lazy because it’s an active – over-functioning trait. Procrastinators tend to be busy – they are just not working on the thing that feels risky. I wonder if the idea that you are lazy is one of those patterns from the self-doubt loop? Because it’s taken a while to complete things, you’ve understandably believed laziness is a part of your personality. But what if it’s not who you are?
The real key here is what’s in your worry box – that’s your self-doubt rocking up and trying to point out all the reasons why you should procrastinate!
When I look at your worry box, I see an understandable risk of being disappointed. This project has been with you so long, and has taken such an emotional toll, what if it’s not what you imagined? Does that risk feel right to you?
Let me know how this lands and we can figure out the PB together 🙂
Thank you, Sas! Yes, I need to make my “need to do list” more concrete. And dig into the lazy thing, as well. I know it’s not true, but do I really *feel* it? That’s the crunchy part for me.
Another thing that I forgot to mention about the “lazy” belief is that it also stems from school experiences. I was a good student most of the time but it didn’t require a lot of effort. My parochial grade school that my parents sacrificed to send me to was actually not so great, so it was probably easier than it needed to be. I may or may not have inattentive ADHD, but I can say I was daydreaming and half-assing it much of the time and no one noticed. So there’s a large part of me that felt guilty and still believes that if I’m not suffering in some way, I haven’t really put in the effort. So when I have had an important project, I’ve often waited until the very last minute and tortured myself to finish. There, that’ll show me! But with my personal projects, it’s about showing up for myself, and that’s much easier to postpone.
Lots to mull over…
Yes that ‘get better at’ list might change things too – because its likely that these are tasks you WANT to do!
And such a great insight to have about where that lazy idea comes from – see how there is always a reason for our self-doubt? 🙂
I want to swoop back to your Protective Belief for this exercise. One way to find the PB is to sum up what’s in your worry box. From your first share we have: my fantasies will be shown to be just that, I’ll find out I’m kidding myself, it will be hard, something exciting will turn into drudgery.
My sense is that there is something here about not wanting to be disappointed by your project – does this sound like the right kind of risk?
Also on the lazy belief…. (and why I’m not sure if laziness is connected to this project…)
What I notice is that laziness is just one way you’ve interpreted that experience of not feeling sufficiently stimulated at school. You were a good student, daydreamed, half-assed it, possibly with a neurodiverse lens on the world AND no one noticed.
Another way to look at that experience is: ‘school came easy to me.’
Or ‘this wasn’t as hard as I expected’.
See how these interpretations are just as true/valid?
NB: they may not feel true to you just yet – but I want you to entertain the possibility!
Yes, I can definitely see how the interpretations can be true. 🙂 There’s a lot there–chaotic family life, some trauma, etc.
And yes, def true about not wanting to be disappointed by my project. So much embarrassment and self-shaming around not just doing it, too.
I’ll continue to ponder whileI am on vacation. Thank you!
More to add–I just received my printed playbook and that is making a huge difference! It is gorgeous and now I can have everything in one place. That helps my scattered mind. 🙂
I started filling out the protective belief workshop and added a new one: I don’t really believe I can do this project. Also, that kind of success is for others.
Some of the memories/meanings: my boyfriend dying suddenly when I was 23/I can’t handle this, I am alone (also, it was a troubled relationship and there was shame and many thoughtless remarks from people); leaving a relationship about 11 or so years ago/this is too hard, I will break, I will never love again; the year 2011–break-up, my dad dying, horrible work situation/there is something wrong with me, I’m the “difficult” one.
What comes up around all this is that I have experienced periods of heaviness/sadness where I don’t do/put off the things that bring me joy because they feel like too much. And yet, when I take tiny steps, I feel lighter, happier, more confident. Have to keep learning that same lesson again and again. Or teaching myself that same lesson?
Fantastic to hear you have your Playbook Susan!
Bravo on uncovering some of those protective beliefs. It sounds like you have navigated a lot of experiences where you felt alone in your sadness and loss. I really hear you, that joy can feel a bit much.
I’ve found that those of us who have often felt overwhelmed and alone in difficult times, often have a hard time really trusting joy.
I love that you are feeling lighter and happier and more confident from the tiny steps! You are allowing yourself to experience good things in ways that feel manageable. Our tolerance for any emotional state we find a bit disconcerting grows as we allow it in.
Just notice your tolerance for joy growing as you continue to take steps forward!
Great work 🙂
Thank you, Sas!
Yes, I am working on my tolerance for good things (that feels funny to say for me, as I don’t deny myself pleasure). It’s funny, I do and have always experienced moments of great joy and I allow them, but the idea that these moments can be sustained and part of a mostly joyful life is what I struggle with. Partly because no one’s life is 100% that way, but also because I will feel these moments and underneath, know that they’re fleeting. Almost like, well this is wonderful and I know I will be back to my real life at some point–some sadness, some disappointment in myself, some letting myself down. Which is what I’m feeling from the idea of not trusting joy. It’s totally there, I can see it, I can be in it for a bit, but it’s often just out of reach.
Hello everyone.
So I am re-engaging and starting to do my homework after what feels like a lifetime (but in fact has been about a week) of being in a covid hole. I am going gently.
Life Map:
Firstly, I have found it so much easier to recall sad, painful and difficult memories rather than happy, positive ones – which made me feel pretty uncomfortable – I think feeling some guilt here maybe?
It’s almost like I can hear a voice in the back of my head which is trying to invalidate my experience – trying and get rid of the negative memories or minimise their significance. Something along the lines of ‘yes these things happened to you, but they weren’t that bad, stop trying to make it into such a big deal, you’re just being dramatic’ However in reality, I know some of these painful experiences really were very significant, and tbh, in the grand scheme of life, pretty fucking bad.
Here’s some stuff that’s coming up:
My goal:
Find or develop meaningful work (or work that I enjoy and gain a true sense of purpose from) that also pays well.
Is this too lofty, or too unattainable for a goal? Do I need to be more specific and set myself actual numbers?
I have really been shifting and playing with ideas about what I want work to be, or what I can look like, or how to develop a work path that works for me.
I notice I have been in this thought about my work for a long time now. I tend to engage in a lot of passive behaviours: look at other peoples lives and the type of work I want to do and make up all sorts of stories about how it’s ‘easier for them’, or even that they must have had some good financial start-up money to get where they are. Or I go into paralysis and do nothing, or procrastination and just put off all the things.
I’d love some feedback or insight if there is anything you can see that’s coming up, or any pointers as to how to get clearer (could also just be my cloudy covid head!).
Thank you x
Hannah! I’ve loved reading your share over my morning coffee 🙂 So happy to offer you some thoughts.
Bravo for getting into the Life Map. I just really want to affirm that those significant, painful experiences that were pretty fucking bad as you say – are that. You can call them what they are to you.
That voice at the back of your head sounds like it wants to diminish those experiences. I wonder if that feels like your voice, or if it belongs to someone else? Sometimes when we share what has happened to us, and that isn’t held well, we can internalise the feedback (verbal and non-verbal) that we get.
Just by naming it right here, you are advocating for the experience of past-Hannah who went through those things. I find that very moving.
And it’s great you’ve found a couple of themes from your Life Map to play with – relationships and work and money – these are juicy ones!
I would love to see you take one of those into the next exercise in Module Two (Uncovering Protective Beliefs) just to explore this a bit more. If you are able to make the call this morning, we are going to do this together 🙂
Your goal sounds fabulous! I think that is a great intention to take into this programme. We can talk more about what might be supportive for you in Module 5 when we look at Courage-based Goals. Because that is something I want you to have the experience of completing in 30-ish days, it could be that getting out of that procrastination and paralysis and claiming a direction of travel for the work you want to do, would really help!
My approach to finding work you love is less about naming a job and more: ‘here are the kinds of things I want to do every day, this is the environment that I would thrive in, these are the values I hold dear and get to express through my work‘.
And if that kind of approach appeals, then we are going to have some fun, Hannah 🙂
Thank you so much for your insight and feedback Sas, it has really helped me to shed some light.
Yes, actually, now you mention it, I think the voice belongs to my Mum. Which again brings up some guilt and makes me want to clarify and defend that she is a great mum and did her best, and yet I know she can be both a great mum and also make comments that hurt.
I absolutely love your approach to finding work I love, I have just written those prompts down!
I am so excited to join you on the call this morning – see you then!
I have a coaching call with Marion today but today is also Yom Kippur and we have evening services I’ll be attending. So I won’t be able to particpate in this week’s call. But next week for sure!
Thanks for letting us know, Tatiana!
Tatiana, I was so glad you found a way to be there after all, and to participate in the group. I look forward to getting to know you better.
My life map is overwhelmingly positive but after re-watching the videos and the coaching call I realised that I left off things that were not necessarily big events but situations that repeated themselves/underlying expectations that I felt/ways of dealing with conflict in my family. So while previously it didn’t seem like risk of rejection was a big one for me, maybe it actually is. I can see something underneath, conditions attached to positive beliefs: I’m smart and creative and good at most things and people love me because of that. Even though I’m smart and creative and pretty boys don’t like me so something about me is unloveable. I can do everything right but if I get pregnant out of wedlock I will be kicked out of home so one failure undoes all previous success. So that looks like fear of failure and rejection, am I right?
Another one that seems to have a disproportionate impact is the risk of disappointment – I notice that disappointment is the only feeling in the key psychological risks. One that feels bad. I learned to avoid bad feelings, not to let things affect me, make them slide off me like water off a duck’s back. Previously I avoided things that could cause disappointment. When I decided to stop holding myself back I no longer avoided disappointment outright but I certainly pretended not to be disappointed when I was!
This is such a rich share Nasreen – and yes once we get the big events on paper, it’s often the smaller, more repeated messages that can have a lasting impact.
You’ve done a great job of seeing how you’ve created meaning out of these messages. At this stage, we are getting some ‘working theories’ that help to explain your risk sensitivity.
So yes, disappointment, rejection, failure – I absolutely see that in your share.
One thing I get the sense of is an overall story that somehow you need to do more/be more than who you are, to be loved. Does that ring true for you?
The kinds of protective patterns that can show up with this combo:
I wonder if any of these resonate? They make so much sense when we have a protective belief that says who we are and what we do is going to be disappointing.
Hello!
I am seeing this quote from Sas and it is feeling so real and true for me this time around in SBS.
It can break our brains a little bit when we realised that so much of what we think are personality traits, are actually learned protective patterns
I enrolled in SBS to learn how to be more functional (meaning how to not let my self doubt hold me back from doing what I said I wanted to do which actually meant (at the time) to do the things I thought I should be doing). It really was an act of desperation to relieve some of the pain of my day to day choices (all the avoidance behaviors that Sas has so clearly identified- procrastination via passive behaviors is my favorite!! totally outed here in SBS!!).
SBS is helping me to make healthier choices aligned with my Values as I learn how my Protector and Underlying Protective Beliefs influence my emotions and actions. I have seen so much welcome growth in the last 6 months!! Thank you to everyone here!!
What I was not expecting and am seeing so much more clearly this second time around is how I am shifting seeing who I am without these protective stories and behaviors. I actually don’t know in many ways who I am. I thought I was lazy, unmotivated, unable to stick with anything that required more than a modicum of effort, dishonest, unredeemable people pleaser, the list goes on……
Now I am seeing that my Core Belief of “I’m not good enough for other people” produced a Protector who advocated for actions that produced “evidence” that produced reinforcing stories that sent me back into the same behaviors that reinforced the beliefs……….head spinning.
Taking it slow and easy today. Listening to my precious self as the Gordian knot of stories and beliefs are loosening their (death) grip on my sweet self.
With much gratitude,
xx
Mary
Your broken brain is a JOY to witness!
This is exactly what happens – those stories that have felt like Absolute True Facts perhaps for decades, just start to seem less…. real…. and then we are left with these choices of who we want to be.
Magic x
Hello again-
Watching the Belief biography video and the Life Map video and wondering where does Shame come into all of this? Admittedly shame is a very familiar, very dreaded and very uncomfortable emotion for me. I wonder if My Protector is using Shame to scare me into “Safe Choices” and/or using Shame to distract me from feeling other even more uncomfortable emotions like anger and grief?
Looking forward to your responses!
xx
Mary
Mary that makes TOTAL sense. Yes Shame is a biggie – its one of the trickiest emotions to experience.
What do you think shame might be trying to protect you from?
Anger, grief – yes.
What do you worry might happen if you experienced shame, anger or grief? (There might. be different risks for each emotion).
I am scared (or at least my Protector is telling me it is scary) to experience my anger or grief. My Protector says my anger will cause a fireball of destruction and consequences just the first of which is losing the title of “Miss Good Girl” and ends with me abandoned, jobless and homeless.
Very classic All or Nothing thinking here.
My Protector says “What’s to be sad about? Look at you- healthy, 3 kids (which are finally all out of the house! thank you SBS), a well paying job. Look ahead, look ahead- If you turn and look at the Grief you will turn into a pillar of salt.”
Something like I don’t deserve to be sad because “All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds” and by the way it happened a long time ago and enough already and what will feeling the sadness change anyway? Oh and ultimately it’s my fault so oooh, don’t go there.
Again my classic All or Nothing thinking.
And Shame my old friend. The classic whip to keep me in line because I did not trust myself to Do The Right Thing.
I have referenced outside authorities to determine The Right Thing. SBS is inviting me to look inward for my Sovereign and Values for determining what is the best choice at the moment with the information I have, knowing that ultimately I always have my own back and cannot be abandoned because I am here and can be counted on to cherish and protect My Sweet Self.
Can I just invite you to picture me waving MASSIVE pom poms for you Mary! Notice how lovingly detached you are witnessing your Protector – bringing in your HAS voice – being curious, noticing that All or Nothing. Bloody bravo!
I also just want to offer that Shame, Anger and Grief are some of the trickiest emotions to experience – so you cannot offer yourself too much compassion as you explore these.
I wonder if it helps to see this as an experiment to ‘gently expand your capacity to be with these tricky emotions’?
We can come up with some ‘fun’ ways to do that!
So for example – Grief. Can you make/google a list of sad movies, or a soundtrack, books etc? Anything that sets you off and will allow you to experience Grief.
You could do this with Anger too! What makes you angry about the world? Could you make a big assed rant list and take it to a kick-boxing class?
Shame might be a bit trickier but we can take it one step at a time.
How does that land for you Mary?
Hi there! I’m going through this lesson and I’m stuck on the belief biography. I have gone through the risks section and uncovered my primary risks that I experience our failure, embarrassment, and loss. I also see rejection, judgment, disappointment show up occasionally. Failure is definitely at the top of this list. I can attach stories of why this set of risks stood out based off of things in my life map.
Here are some protective beliefs that I think I uncovered, But I’m not sure if this is correct, so I’m checking in: “if I make a mistake, people won’t love me, and I won’t be safe,” ‘if I don’t overwork, I will lose my job,” “The only way to be safe is to be perfect, work hard, never make mistakes, not to upset anybody or hurt their feelings, overwork -though I never really say it that way, but the concept is the same – maybe just not let anyone down both at work and in personal relationships.
So now I’m not sure what to do with the belief biography. Do I take each protective belief I defined and put it in the center and map it to my stories from my life map?
I think part of the problem is I’m doing everything at once. Maybe I need to do 1 exercise to uncover a protective belief in the worksheet and use the belief biography worksheet for the same protective belief?
So for example – the goal was to rid myself of clutter in my home by selling/donating my extra clothes I wasn’t using anymore. I tried to list some items but met a ton of resistance. When I worked through this with Marion, we realized it had very little to do with the clothes and everything to do with letting go of a version of myself I was when I was wearing those clothes, which I felt I was giving up on. So failure was coming up here, a feeling of loss, also some disappointment. Optimizing my sale of these clothes was a way to compensate. If I got some money from it, I could deal with my failure, maybe?
So…the protective belief is? If I get rid of these things I’ll have admitted I’ve failed at being the person I once was and have to let that go? I
I have a few other goals, but I should probably tackle this one first. 🙂
Yes – I see you doing a lot here Priti!
One at a time – and don’t be shy about moving into the next Module when you have enough to go on. you can always come back to this.
It’s lovely to hear that this approach is helping you to uncover more about how you have learned to create safety for yourself, Priti. That’s what all these Protective Beliefs are designed to do: they tell us what we need to do to stay safe.
But the thing to remember is that this kind of protective safety will often start to feel unsatisfying. The only way to really stay safe in life is to say nothing and do nothing – and this is not really living!
I notice that you are taking a very thorough approach to this programme – I wonder if there is a belief that you need to do this perfectly?
Right now, I see you attempting to uncover ALL your protective beliefs – that’s a lot for anyone!
You don’t need to go into every belief and create a biography – just do that if it feels like it would be helpful. Sometimes it can be really helpful to explore the experiences that helped create and reinforce a belief – this is why it can feel like The Truth and the only way you can respond.
It sounds like you have a really good idea of this belief and how its showing up. So I would love to see you take this into M4 where you can start to play with Changing your Self-doubt Story. This is where you can start to experiment with letting go of perfection.
Yes, the doing things perfectly is a pattern for me. I am working through this and I got a suggestion today to maybe make an experiment to doing things “good enough” and maybe the way I can do that is by setting a timer for a section. The first 3 were especially challenging because they brought up some difficult events. Also, maybe I’m attaching too much to the outcome of the program so I’m trying to extract as much as I can from it.
Uncovering Protective Beliefs
wow – difficult! Your thoughts would be appreciated.
My goal was to have Career Confidence.
I’m learning about what I should be doing to get to this goal. I’m finding my networks and engaging with LinkedIn etc. I know I should research and study more but I procrastinate. I give the impression I’m being constructive but its half hearted. There could be an avoidance of responsibility somewhere here.
My worry is that im not good enough, that I’ll be judged because I dont know enough or care enough – it’ll be embarrassing. I worry that its too complicated and everyone else knows more and is better than me, more intelligent.
Is this my belief protecting me from judgement, failure, complexity…?
What does it sound like to you?
Thank you All.
Hey Andrea it’s so good to see you playing with this and I’d love to support you.
My sense is that you are looking at the behaviours – the constructive stuff! – but without looking at the protective beliefs that are there, they tend to pop up like whack-a-mole.
What we want to do is understand more about the protective beliefs and where they come from and what they are trying to protect you from.
Then when you take action, you don’t have so much ‘work’ to do to quell those risks.
I wonder if you can make it to tomorrow’s coaching call (11am UK time, 6th Dec)? I’d love to coach you on this!
In the meantime (and in case you can’t make it to the call), can you tell me more about career confidence?
How would you describe your relationship with career confidence?
What is your current experience of this?
Feel free to blurt/list – what do you say to yourself about this? how do you feel? what are you doing/not doing as a result?
Hi Sas, sorry I couldn’t make the call on the 6th, that day/ time clashes with a work call I can’t get out of. I enjoyed the call on the 20th however (even though I cried! It’s been a bonkers year).
So…delayed as this might be here is my response to your questions.
My goal to have ‘career confidence’ stems from being put at risk of redundancy and after 21 years in one company, this has shaken me – made me question a lot. Work has always been my constant so I rely on it. Anyway, fast-forward 6 months and the good news is, I have a new job in the same company so the waters are calm again for a while longer. Phew!
To answer your questions in a blurt!:
How would you describe your relationship with career confidence? I’m much more comfortable in an assistant role dodging the responsibility and pressure of leadership roles. However over the years I’ve slowly progressed into the role I’m in now which has a healthy salary which sits awkwardly as I question whether or not I’m worthy or can handle the responsibility. Am I good enough? Will I be judged if I fail?
What is your current experience of this? I’m not confident unless I have all the facts – Bystander yes? And I can never have all the facts as work is so insanely varied. But this belief could be shifting now, the past 6 months has taught me a lot – fear will do that I guess. I don’t necessarily need to know everything, I just need to know how to create a team to figure it out.
What do you say to yourself about this? how do you feel? The conversations I have in my head is that I’m not good enough, confident enough or interesting enough and I certainly don’t know enough – I’m not capable like I witness others being. How on earth do they know so much?! How do they do it?!
I feel nervous about starting a new job (even if it is in the same company), I will have to prove myself and what would happen if I’m rubbish at the job, that it turns out to be something I cannot do or, even worse, I hate it and I’ve made a mistake by accepting it. Where does that leave me? Starting again? Missed a financial/ vocational opportunity. Agh!
What are you doing/not doing as a result?
Staying with one company for so long has has it’s benefits but it is making it harder for me to leave, to take the money and run! I believe I’m institutionalised and wouldn’t survive in ‘the outside world’! Because I don’t have career confidence in what I do I haven’t taken the opportunity to leave and try something new (who knows what that would even look like??). I’m not taking risks, but I know I’m risk adverse so that’s OK.
What I am doing is seeing a Career Coach to help me define my vocation (Change Management seems to be the thing that keeps coming up. With the SBS by my side, I’ll explore this and see where it takes me).
Gosh! that was a blurt – hope you can decipher something from it! haha. I’m only on module 3 nearly 4 so it’s early days for me with figuring out my protective beliefs.
Andrea this is so rich – thank you for sharing! I loved reading this – I missed this before the hols so its a joy to come back to you now 🙂
If you read back over your words what are the protective beliefs you notice?
The thing about protective beliefs is that they aren’t Facts – but they feel really true!
A couple that pop up for me:
Everybody else is more capable than me.
I won’t make it anywhere else.
Do they resonate?
These are ‘screwed both ways’ type beliefs 🙂 Like you aren’t good enough to be here, or to leave. This is such a sophisticated protective pattern!
So another question for you: when is the first time you remember experiencing these beliefs? When did you start to think versions of: everyone else is better/I’m not good enough?
It might be that it seems you’ve always felt that. Just ponder this and let yourself remember the incidents and experiences that stand out.
We want to get a sense of where this comes from so we can figure out how to help the part of you that believes this is true.
Feel free to send a list of memories or pop along to a coaching call 🙂
Also: I love that you are working with a career coach alongside SBS. It means that as we get underneath these beliefs, you’ll be ready to make whatever changes you want based on what feels good – rather than what’s the least risky. Bravo!
Hello Sas,
I can resonate with those Protective Beliefs you mentioned – thank you. This sentence is spot on: I’m not good enough to be here, or to leave – no wonder I’m in the state I’m in?! ha.
Looking at my Life Map – some memories which stand out for me are not to do with my career but could possibly still translate over into the working world.
I don’t know whether it was the mood I was in when writing my Life Map, but I seem to have listed the demise of various friendships. Friends that have not felt the same as me, were not as invested in the friendship as me (to my standard?), left me and moved to a different city or chosen not to move to the same place as me.
I also included a list of failed relationships – was I was looking for evidence of rejection – or did they just naturally pop up as memories?
One memory which is possibly more interesting, is a repeated memory of discussing exams, what subjects to take at school and career ideas and thoughts with my Dad. I have clear memories of him dismissing my career ideas as he deemed them too competitive for me – and he said as such. He is right, I’m not competitive. I’ve never known what I wanted to do – never had that drive or ambition. But is that where the seed of doubt was planted I wonder? Could I have been a Vet* for example if I was told I was good enough, smart enough, driven enough? Fortunately, my sister and I are both educated, well-travelled, independent feminists which could be unusual being raised my a man who thought it nice for men to take care of women.
*I’m sure every young teenager goes through a phase of wanting to be a Vet.
My career has been a slow and steady progression – I’ve stayed within my comfort zone and got more jobs than I didn’t. I try not to dismiss my career fortune as simply ‘luck’. My dad puts his career success down to luck. He has often said he wasn’t particularly good at his job he was just in the right place at the right time. (I’ve challenged him on this a few times but his belief is set in stone).
As for ‘Everyone else is more capable than me’. I was a late developer and everyone around me had puberty (!), the career, the marriage, the kids before me. I never got married and immediately stopped at one kid! I watched friends have acceptance, love, the ability to run a house, have a career AND appear engaged with the news / social media all while remembering to wash their hair. They ‘grew up’ before me and still appear to have more of their shit together than me?! Why does the Bystander and ScapeGoat keep appearing for me… I need to keep digging, I’d like to get to the crux of this so will keep pondering. Thank you for your support.
I’d love to attend a Coaching call – I need to try to get out of the Weds meetings I have at 11am.
This is great rich insight – I can see how much self-awareness and curiosity you have. And those memories are so useful to play with.
What often happens is that we receive feedback from the world, we decide it’s true, and then we never question it. Even when that feedback no longer fits us, or is only partially ‘right’.
That feedback can be directly from another person: eg: Dad’s belief that you are not competitive enough for the work you want to do. The feedback can also come from how we interpret our experiences: eg: my friends are not invested in our relationship.
I’d love you to take one of those memories and use the Meaning Making Map from Module 4 to explore this.
It’s four questions to help you broaden the story – to ‘thicken the narrative’ around these experiences. What you start to see is that you can bring your Healthy Adult Self to these memories so you can decide if the meaning is still true for you.
My thinking here is that you can start to see what else can be true for you now.
Have a play with this and let me know what comes up 🙂