Module 2
Making Peace With Your Protector
Making Peace With Your Protector
introduction
You might have heard self-doubt described as a 'self-sabotaging inner-critic'. I've found that this only tells a little bit of the story - our protective self-doubt is much more sophisticated than this. So in this module, I'm introducing a framework I've developed that reflects the 'matrix' of self-protection.
Coaching Tools:
- The Protector Matrix
- Experiments with Protectors
There are four core patterns of self-doubt - underpinned by beliefs and behaviours. They can work together as well - some of us have a particularly sophisticated Protector.
I want you to get good at recognising your protective patterns. Remember - these are not who you are, they are not describing your personality - they are describing how you manage your sense of risk.
I also want you to know that escaping your protective matrix is entirely possible for everyone. We can make peace with our Protectors through specific, gentle, resistance-free experiments.
There is room in your Self-belief School Playbook to journal and reflect. Please do share your learnings, ponderings, and thoughts in the Discussion below.
Self-belief Schoolers
The discussion forum is where you can ask questions, share your thoughts, learnings, confusion and breakthroughs about this Module.
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Module three
Hello-
Just received the link to this week’s module. The videos are quite short (less than a minute and a half?) and seem to allude to information that is not included in the video.
Thanks for any clarifications you might offer!
My Self Doubt is saying be a good girl and contact Lucy via support@selfbeliefschool first. I’ve decided to take the risk of being judged and embarrassed and ask my question here.
Mary
Hello from Northeastern United States!
The Critic is my absolutely favorite time honored and honed Self Protector with a healthy dose of the Martyr added in as a nod to my Catholic upbringing.
When I try to speak to myself with compassion, I am afraid I won’t know the Right Thing to Do because I am letting myself off the hook.
My fear is that if I don’t criticize my actions I’ll be found out as fraudulent by the other person (partner, child, coworker, person in line at the grocery store, random person on the street) and then be judged, rejected and embarrassed. If I criticize my actions first, you don’t get a jump on me so it won’t hurt as much if/when you do criticize me.
There is a sly element of competition in there too. If I criticize myself first, I am superior to you (as in hah you’re just catching on- I already knew I was a fuck up) which protects me from your judgement, rejection and embarrassment. How much can your judgement and rejection mean if I’ve already condemned and rejected myself? Somehow this very twisted “logic” is weirdly self protective although as I write it here it looks very self wounding.
Competition does figure into my self protection patterns. Judge others as less than (based on criteria from my family of origen yup) so I can feel safe around them and offer them my beneficent Martyr behaviors and engage in a specific type of relationship (characterized by I’m the kindest, generous, willing to do anything at work kind of professional). Judge others as more than so I know to they are unsafe and need extra people appeasing, fawning, hiding, overwork.
This is all extremely exhausting and unfortunately results in huge reservoirs of resentment (as my sweet inner child gets tired of all the bullshit and having her basic needs ignored while clearly seeing the futility of all the mind reading that is part of this sticky tangle) eventually result in me ghosting the relationship or leaving the job. The only relationships I have managed to maintain are with my 3 kids, siblings and cats. (Data point: 15 jobs in a 37 year career with a 5 year hiatus for child rearing.)
Thanks for receiving all of this with your characteristic care and kindness!
Mary
Mary this is such a beautifully full share – thank you for trusting us with this.
I am so struck by your deep levels of self-awareness – you’re able to richly articulate your experience of your protector. And you have such a SUPER sophisticated protector – she has been working so bloody hard.
I am wondering how your heart is in all of this.
I wonder how you are making sense of these connections – does this feel like this is new insight? Or are you feeling like you know these patterns so well?
And can you say more about how it feels to get to here? Are you excited? Hopeful? Fed up? All three! Something else?
Can you say more?
Hello Sas-
I would say I have had pieces of this self awareness tucked away in messy corners of shame and guilt. SBS is enabling me to see the connections and the underlying fear (I am not good enough for other people – thank you for articulating this so succinctly Lisa at our most recent coaching call) that drives all of these behaviours. I am seeing my life and choices more compassionately than simply I’m a spineless, lazy syncophant.
Over the weekend as I took in the video lessons and responded to the prompts in the Playbook, I felt swamped by grief for the enormity and pervasiveness of the fear that underpins my Protector. I felt so sad for my sweet child self surrounded by struggling adults who swung between warm and loving and downright dangerous. I saw how I had developed my observational skills in an attempt to survive the capriciousness of these adults. I saw how my people pleasing behaviours and negation of my own needs was my child’s magical thinking that I could influence the behaviours of my caregivers by predicting and providing what I thought they wanted and needed. My unspoken contract- I’ll take care of you and give you what I think you want and eventually you will love me and take care of my needs.
Such a back asswards way of getting my own needs met. I am so sad as I review the myriad of relationships where I replicated this pattern over and over- watching it play out again and again feeling helpless to change the inevitable outcome (which served to reinforce my feelings of inadequacy and cowardice while providing the Critic with more IRL examples that the RISK IS REAL).
Finally with SBS, I think I am understanding why I could not just change my protective patterns. The patterns of self protection were trying to distract me from the pain of what my Protector has believed to be true all these years. So much safer to believe that the next program, course, book, retreat, personality test will reveal the “cure” for my lack of assertiveness than feel the pain of knowing I am not as good as other people and therefore I do not have a right to take up space as my own messy self in this world.
I am hopeful Sas. I see so much more of what appear to be the true underpinnings of my behaviours. I am able to look at this material without only shame spiraling into shadow comforts. I am also able to see glimmers of Healthy Adult choices (spoke with someone this morning to help me with one of my biggest areas of shame and overwhelm -PHOTOS! I finally got my 2021 taxes filed and penalties paid. I am actually making time for this course including lighting candles and selecting music to help me create the sacred space I need for this work).
I am very grateful for SBS. I feel like have been thrown a life rope to the safe harbour of myself, a place I have previously polluted unwittingly with false beliefs and old stories and made unsafe for my wild and tender self to roam free and unfettered.
Thank you Sas!! xxx
I am so moved by the incredible empathy and awareness of Little Mary – making choices from a super young age to keep herself safe in deeply confusing circumstances.
I just really want to affirm that ‘the swing’ you describe – from adults who went from warm and loving to downright dangerous – is traumatising. It’s one of the hardest experiences to navigate.
It’s wild how this kind of trauma brings with it a shit tonne of protective beliefs – that somehow ‘if only I’d done x – if I am to blame then I can fix me and y won’t happen again’ – but this is a way of paradoxically trying to control the uncontrollable.
It was never your fault. There was nothing you could or should have done. This was never your responsibility. You have always been so loveable.
All to say your grief is completely understandable – and I believe – healing. Hearing you describe being able to hold your little self with some compassion suggests to me that there is something beautiful transforming inside of you.
I am so hopeful too, Mary. What an incredible series of connections you are making – that awareness is gold! That you are seeing glimmers of your Healthy Adult Self is wondrous.
You get to take care of your little self – to treat you with the love and respect and care you have always been worthy of.
What a joy it is to see you emerging xxx
Hello- I’m back with another realization from reflecting on this Module. My overarching self protection strategy has been to try to make the other people “safe” for me by utilizing all of the resistance patterns particularly people pleasing. No surprise this strategy has been doomed to failure (there is no amount of people pleasing or hiding to make people truly “safe” as in never will reveal me as less than).
Safety is going to be an inside job for me. The safety of knowing with real world evidence that I am my own Ride or Die. My hope is that this program is going to help me know that I will not choose to abandon myself despite anything that comes my way both wonderful and everything that masquerades as less than wonderful.
Hi Mary, I so love this realisation for you. I feel like I’m hearing your Healthy Adult Self here loudly and clearly – and I wonder how it feels for you to hear this part of you voicing this now?
As Sas said in response to your beautiful reflections above: your protector has been working so hard to keep you safe. It can be disappointing or confronting to realise it doesn’t matter how hard she works at people pleasing it will never be enough. How perfect then that at this moment of realisation your Healthy Adult Self clears her throat and says ‘it’s ok, I’ve got this, we create safety from the inside’. What a beautiful thing to witness this happening for you.
Thank you Lisa for your reassuring response. I am scared tbh- wondering if I can really be brave enough to let other people have their own thoughts and responses to me? I totally know that other people’s responses to me are none of my business nor do I have any control over them yet this knowledge has not helped me to let go of my protective patterns. I have tried so many times and ways to be brave and believe in myself yadayadayada that I am leery of actually being able to change. And I desperately deeply want to make new choices.
It’s entirely understandable that your realisation might trigger your protectors alarm, Mary. Your protector is doing her job! She has many stories and examples to draw upon about why this isn’t safe and how you might hurt yourself. It can help to reassure your protector: I know this feels scary and you’re worried about [insert the psychological risk you’re noticing] and it’s ok, we’re just going to begin to experiment with how we might be able to find safety from inside of us.
I wonder whether a small, doable experiment has come to mind this week when you watched the module 3 video? We’re going to explore this more in our call tomorrow and choose an experiment that feels good to do over the next week. I wonder how you could gently experiment in relation to what’s come up for you here. So happy to support you around this in our circle 🙂
Hello 🙂
I seem to have the pair of protectors that Sas *didn’t* pair together at the end: the Martyr and the Bystander. My biggest fears are being disliked and of looking foolish. I think this harks back to my experiences at school! I seem to be in a pattern of overfunctioning for others (so they like me) but underfunctioning for myself (I can’t get started on the things I want to do/be because it will be wrong, I’ll look foolish or odd).
Also wanted to add a note here to let Lisa (and my fellow group members) know that I won’t be at the call tomorrow because I have a work away day in central London. This was scheduled a long time ago so no fault of my protector! Looking forward to seeing you all next week.
Hi Kate,
Thank you so much for sharing this — I’m sure so many can recognize themselves in how you kept yourself feeling safe while at school.
It sounds like young-Kate did an incredible job at keeping the boat from rocking by ensuring she wasn’t being judged and keeping herself as liked as possible. It makes a ton of sense and I’m sure this helped to avoid overwhelming moments where you may have felt like you didn’t belong.
It also sounds like “Little Kate” had quite a big job to do and that this may have been pretty exhausting for her.
What I love is that you’re bringing this experience into the here-and-now and seeing how Little Kate is still very much a part of you. It’s so interesting how these previous experiences really do live on in us, isn’t it?
One thing that may be true for you is that “Little Kate” has taken on this Protector role for you when similar risks arise as they did for her.
And, rather than us wish she weren’t there or she was somehow different, we can also consider treating her with the love and care that she always wanted. We can soften and find compassion for what she went through.
It sounds like your Protector is quite sophisticated and helps you stay safe by being hyper-tuned to the unspoken needs of others. As a result, its sense of worthiness may often be tied to how it believes others perceive you.
When we have this type of Protector and want to prioritize our own needs/goals/dreams, we can feel hamstrung by how we may be judged and have difficulty trusting our own sense of discernment. It can feel like there is a lot at risk.
I’m curious if this rings true and what comes up as read this?
And, as you consider some experiments for this week, how could you support yourself and Little Kate to feel safe? This may be a rich area to explore as you take these first, small steps in seeing what else may be true here besides the message of your Protector.
Thank you Scott. Quite a lot of this rings true, particularly feeling hamstrung by how I may be judged and having difficulty trusting my own sense of discernment. Yes it feels like there is a lot at risk!
The other thing that comes up for me is a sense of sadness about how “Little Kate” probably misread the reality a bit. I always felt like an outsider but I *did* have a few close and trusted friends. And although I felt deeply uncool and constantly judged, conversations I’ve had as an adult reflect a different reality. (Small example, my sister showed some of her school friends a picture of me as an adult – specifically noting my tattoos and undercut – and apparently they were all like “oh Kate was also so cool so we’re not surprised she’s a cool edgy adult” LOL this is not my perception of myself then or now!) I guess so many people feel awkward and weird and nobody on the outside notices because they’re too preoccupied with their own awkwardness.
Ooh, I so hear you here, Kate! One of the things that has become so unbelievably clear to me is that we really have absolutely no idea how others perceive us unless we ask them. None.
So yes, what a gift it was that your sister shared those reflections with you! I would imagine this challenged some preconceptions you had about who you were at that age.
And yes, you hit the nail on the head: we can be so occupied with our own stories and our filters through which we see the world, it’s useful to remember that applies even to how others see us. It’s the paradox of truth – none of it is “true” but there may be elements that resonate and be helpful on your path. You can just choose what you want and leave the rest behind.
I’m wondering if, in hearing this feedback from your sister, does it update your story at all around how you were perceived at this age? What does that feel like for you?
Hi Lisa. The experiment I am drawn to is noticing where I am waiting before taking the next step, and journaling around what this is protecting me from.
A situation arose last night that I also treated as a small experiment. I went round to somebody’s flat after my awayday yesterday and he could see I was tired so wanted to look after me a bit and I had so much resistance to that! But I thought I would see what it would be like to stop protesting and let somebody do the caring. I just sat on the sofa under a blanket and let food me brought to me, and ALSO (this is a big one) after protesting that it was a waste of money, let him book and pay for an Uber home to save me doing the tube + bus + walking alone at 11pm across London. Lots of icky feelings came up but I think it was also nice to drop the guard of “strong and independent”.
Kate! I loved that you experimented with your friend and allowed yourself to be taken care of. Bravo!
After an experiment, its a great practice to write down your thoughts, feelings and actions, and also to expand out to the wider perspective – what might it have been like for your friend? What might this do for your friendship now that you have allowed yourself to be cared for? What does this open up for you in terms of other parts of yourself you allow to be known?
(M4 that is now live and includes the Meaning Making Map – you can use this template for exploring experiments).
Yes please Scott, thank you. It lasted five days so I’m only just resurfacing but will catch-up. On that note, I’m due to be running in-person training up to coaching circle time on Thursday. Would it be ok for me to join halfway through? I’ll happily sit in the Zoom waiting room until a suitable moment for me to join.
My protector is a crafty beast of a thing. [See attached image of “My Protector”. I went down quite a rabbit hole to find this fan art pict of a “My Little Pony” with massively overdeveloped muscles.]
I have a complex cocktail of protector traits, no single category is standing out to me after watching the videos. I’ve gone through my notes and circled things I resonate with from each. Different things come out in different situations for sure.
Realizing this alone is a big enough take away for me today. Sitting with this and listening to Sas’s “Unfuckingstoppable” playlist on Spotify today.
Hi Lavet, Yes this makes so much sense. Oftentimes we can have different types of Protectors step forward depending on the situation and what our Protector thinks is needed to keep us safe. Circling what lands for you is perfect – it’s incredible all the tools it has at its disposal, isn’t it??
So glad that you’re seeing how sophisticated and intelligent your Protector is. And yes, they certainly can seem really strong and “armored up”! I think that inside of that, I’ve found there’s a sensitive part of us that feels like the world and the people in it can be quite big.
Love this insight you had today! (And, for what it’s worth, I would not mess with your Protector as she looks quite imposing. I wonder if that’s what she’s there to communicate?)
Thanks for the insights Scott.
I think at one time she allowed herself to get all jacked to look imposing… but unfortunately I think that protective shell just attracts people who are looking for a fight. I don’t think my protector works to protect me any more, it is causing far more harm than good. She’s a magnet for like-minded fighters and prevents me from connecting with others who live from their healthy adult self.
She felt protective at different times in the past but now, is a hard shell I want to crack out of. It isn’t me, I’m identifying with this aspect less and less. I’m ready to let go, be tender, and put myself out there in new, vulnerable ways.
It’s such a joy to read your insights about this image of your Protector, Lavet! It’s a big old breakthrough sign for me when we can see that the Protector no longer feels compatible with who we are – we get to morph and change this part of us into something else.
Your willingness to let go of some of that armour, to soften into tenderness is very much your Healthy Adult Self to me – developing resources and strategies, other than your ability to fight and defend gives you so much more flexibility.
I wonder what being more tender might look like for you?
Thanks Sas.
More tender is maybe… holding space in my heart for grief instead of fight response right now.
Rather than argue or defend when someone else is ramping up, I can resist the need to prove myself. As someone intensely scape-goated by my family of origin, this is really hard to let go of but reacting in any way just fuels their stance.
Instead, I can remind myself to see their actions as being them, their choices, their own emotions. It informs me about how they are willing to treat people and what their character is. I can grieve as I see them for who they are, an unsafe person in the throws of their own stuff. If a person is looking to project their stuff onto me, there is nothing I can say to convince them otherwise. That is really sad. It’s a loss.
Being tender is feeling more complex feelings while knowing I don’t need a situation to turn out differently to be ok.
Being the family scapegoat makes it so hard to trust other people. It makes complete sense to me that you would get skilled at defending yourself, and I’ve no doubt that there were times when you felt like the only way to be heard was to fight.
So your Protector has done such a good job of keeping you safe.
I often think that when we are willing to fight in a realtionship we we really want to connect, we want to be understood and heard and acknowledged. And you are absolutely right – when we meet fight with fight it adds energy to the fire.
Sometimes this is absolutely necessary! You have this amazing ability to go into bat for yourself – that is an excellent resource to call on when you know you need strong boundaries.
And it sounds like you are also opening up to other resources to – offering yourself the space to be with the loss and the grief, which also allows you to notice that for others too.
This might feel awkward at first! But its a great experiment to have in your pocket – how do I want to respond to this invitation to a fight?
One of my favourite responses to someone who is gearing up for a fight is to take a breath and ask them ‘are you ok?’.
Hello all you lovely people, sorry to Lisa and my group I missed the call last week – I hope I can make it this week again….
I just now got around to watching the protective patterns video and was wondering if anybody else was feeling like all four do actually apply?
And Lisa, if you could share the experiments you guys were talking about as examples, I would be most grateful, too 🙂
Hi Marie-Luise – here’s the link to the experiments handout (we’ll get that added to the module above too!)
Re: feeling like all four apply. Yes, the Protective Matrix acts like a system, so we all have the potential to develop all four styles of protection.
Most of us have one or two that come up all the time. And sometimes it can be that you have one that pops up in an area of your life (eg: the Bystander showing up whenever you are making decisions in your business).
You could think of this as a pie and it gets split in four ways – so you might have 5% Scapegoat, 35% Martyr, 1% Bystander and 59% Critic.
Is there one that you most identify with? If you split up your pie what percentages would you get?
Hello! The protector that is showing up for me a lot right now is the Bystander. I have a protective belief that failure is to be avoided at all costs so it makes sense that the Bystander would show up here. When I did the Making Peace with My Protector worksheet, in both of the memories I worked through I experienced a near-failure or I was scared of failure, and the response to both of those situations was quitting and never trying again. I’m not sure how I can respond differently to the Bystander? In the case of being afraid that my failure will disappoint someone I love, I could try “confessing” my fears or my failure and (hopefully) seeing that the reaction isn’t that bad. I remember when I was in my last year of uni and feeling the weight of expectations to finish brilliantly, and when I worked up the courage to tell my mum that I was thinking of dropping a unit or two she was completely nonplussed and encouraged me to do whatever felt right for me (um, just like someone who loved me!). I ended up continuing on full-time, with the burden of expectations (which were in my head) lifted. So that’s one thing to try, But what about when it’s about letting myself down? When I’m scared of not living up to my own expectations? When I’m waiting, not taking action, avoiding the thing, because I don’t want to experience failure because of how I will feel about myself?
Hey Nasreen – this is such a great share.
From these memories you’ve explored, you had a juicy combination of Bystander and Critic going on.
So when faced with the fear of disappointment or failure, you tended to respond by quitting and not trying again, or working really hard. Does that feel true?
I’d love to help you experiment with responding differently.
Can you tell me more about the expectations you have of yourself in your life now? I’m particularly interested in the beliefs you have about your expectations!
Yes, Bystander and Critic are my trusty sidekicks. Expectations I have of myself: that I will be able to expand my business and increase my income, that I continue to look after my health, that I support and have quality time with my family. Beliefs about those expectations? That the first one is tricky, that it will take a while before I can actually earn money with any new services. That the other two are non-negotiables that cannot be compromised.
This is great! So tell me more about: those expectations of expanding your business and increasing your income – why does that matter?
There will be logical, practical reasons of course 🙂 But why does expanding your business and increasing your income matter to you? What do you make it mean if you do this, or if you don’t? Do you have ideas about timelines/numbers? Tell me the goss!
Ok here’s the goss: as you said there are the usual practical logical reasons for increasing my income which probably don’t need going over. Other reasons:
- I like challenges and growth, the thought that “this is it” I have a successful business and I’ll just keep doing the same thing for the next 15-20 years…no thanks. Give me something to keep me stimulated and interested!
- I can see a need for a service for children who fall through the net because they don’t have a severe speech and language delay: they wait too long for public health services but the problem doesn’t seem urgent enough to warrant 1:1 private services. If only people knew how quick and easy it can be to resolve certain problems! This is a reason for this specific service rather than generally expanding my business…but it hits two birds with one stone.
- If I do this, I maintain my identity as a successful, dynamic person. If I don’t, then I’ve reached my potential and I have to accept that I aimed too high and I’m not cut out for more. (is that juicy enough?!)
- Timelines: my plan was to have a alternative source of income by the end of this year that would boost my monthly revenue by €2000. I am pleased to report that some of this will be coming from an imminent investment, I’m not fixated on creating this extra 2k just via my business. I had an entirely different plan on how to create this income at the beginning of this year and spent considerable time going down that path before fessing up that really it was all an elaborate scheme (by my protector) to avoid failure when doing something speech pathology related which is what is actually aligned.
This is so great to know – thanks for sharing!
Getting clear on what really matters to you – what you value (we’ll go into this in M6!) is a really effective way to work with the Critic.
This helps to expand your vision outwards from the immediate risk and connect to why the risk is worth it for you. Then you can take doable steps forward with encouragement and compassion.
I can see some of your beautiful values expressed in your share!
- being stimulated and interested, dynamic – my sense is you have real drive and you like leading yourself – it’s no accident you have chosen to run your own business.
- a deep desire to help your clients, sharing your wisdom and experience seems to have real energy for you
- and it sounds like contributing to your family financially really matters to you
These are coming from your Healthy Adult Self – they are great sources for helpful beliefs to support you when that Critic/Bystander shows up – and in particular when it comes to failure and letting yourself down/disappointment.
Over our time together, I’d love you to get to a place where these risks feel pretty neutral for you because they are signs that you are creating the life you want.
One way to do this is to expand your relationship with failure and disappointment. Question your current beliefs that this is the worst thing that could happen. Whenever you find yourself inside a protective belief about failure or disappointment – hold it lightly and question it!
Use the BB to create helpful beliefs you can practice. See how they are connected to what matters to you – to you ‘why’.
For example: imagine your business involved absolutely no failure, no risk, no problems to solve, no creative thinking required, you don’t let yourself down because everything you do happens as you imagine…
Can you see that because of your dynamic driven self – you would find that so bloody boring?!
Thanks Sas. That last bit is so true…if my client roster was full of perfectly behaved children who sat at the table and did all the exercises and all had language problems that were similar or easy to resolve I would die of boredom. Same goes for my business in general, I dream up new programs/collaborations/exercises because I like working like that. I bring it on myself for a reason!
Just in case anyone else in the US who is now in daylight savings time doesn’t know that we are now 1 less hour ahead of the UK which means for me, Lisa’s coaching circle is now at 8 am instead of 7 am. It took me a hot second to remember this when I couldn’t get logged into the call just now.
Thank you Sovereign for running the show on figuring this out as my Protector was over in the corner saying all manner of ridiculous things and being her now predictable self.
xx
Mary
Exploring the protectors is fascinating as there is so much interconnectedness going on for me. The critic largely shows up at work and when I try something new. The bystander shows up in entrepreneurial endeavors and making big life decisions. The scapegoat shows up with life admin stuff (especially health-related things). And I am a recovering martyr, which had previously shown up at work until I burned out and realized it was completely unsustainable.
Digging into the prompt offered for the critic, I am overworking at work and this protects me from a few things: loss (of my job), judgment (that I don’t do enough), criticism (if I work hard enough, then somehow, making mistakes is more forgivable), and embarrassment (if I don’t drop the ball, no one can say anything). These are all illusions, of course, but so ingrained in me, especially after witnessing my dad losing his job twice. I learned your livelihood is never safe.
The other issue is I always feel behind… in terms of life achievements, money/financial success, actual work tasks, etc. I have always felt this need to keep pushing forward, and I find it impossible to just be. When I left my job, I could barely sit with recovering from burnout because it brought up so many uncomfortable things. Who am I if I’m not earning anything and not contributing? Who am I without work? The critic was very loud in telling me I am no one and not worthy of anything. Yet, it doesn’t change its tune even when I work 200 hours a month, so I know better now. I’ve stopped giving in and I rest when I need to. But there’s a lingering voice in my head saying I’ll need to make up for it later.
I guess it comes down to not being able to accept myself for who I am and where I am at, and maybe that’s because I still don’t know who I am. Lots to think about!
(I hope I’m posting this in the correct place — the header says Module Three Discussions, but I’m on the page for Module 2!)
You’re in exactly the right place 🙂
Your Critic sounds very well developed Erin. I am so stuck by your courage to try something different after your burnout. You are absolutely right about the 200 hours a month – the Critic is looking for safety in over-working but it’s limitless – you will never be able to work enough for the Critic to feel safe enough to hush!
Overworking (or any of our protective patterns) cannot ever be true sources of psychological safety.
But what can happen when we decide to stop our patterns is we don’t quite know who we are without them! They become so much a part of our identity, it can take some time to figure out what else is possible.
All to say, your response is absolutely on the money! And its ok to not know who you are without your overworking – we are going to have some fun figuring that out 🙂
One thing you might want to do is start experimenting with what brings you joy, what lights you up. How would it feel to take yourself on a date somewhere where you live, once a week? Just to see what you enjoy?
Hello all, I’m exploring the protectors this week. I’m noticing that in some way, I experience all of these at some point in time. I could relate to all of them in specific environments. Where I experience the most self doubt is with work (I’ve mentioned this already I think, but this is the main reason I’ve signed up for the course, because the tactics I’ve been using to work through those issues haven’t been working).
The most common protector that shows up for me is the critic when it comes to work, mostly because I notice the behavior of overwork to keep myself safe. It’s a way I use to control things so that I don’t end up getting in trouble at work. I’d say this also comes into play in other areas of my life, but it’s easiest to see at work.
I see the martyr showing up with relationships, e.g. friends and family. I have a fear of being disliked or abandoned/alone so I’ll extend myself so that people will like me. There is also a sense of perfecting my behavior when with others so there is no conflict and thus I can keep the friendship. I see this in some of my behaviors where I don’t want to talk on the phone/text on the phone until I’m ready or when I want to be winding down, but I do it anyway to preserve the relationship. Keeping my boundaries is less important than keeping the friendship.
The scapegoat is also showing up with work. I’m telling myself the story, because of work I’ve done in the past, that if I can’t control the outcome of my work in that I can’t protect myself from being fired through overwork, why bother trying anyway? Why not just keep the boundaries that I want if it doesn’t matter what I do? This is part of a pattern of seeing things in black or white, so either I’m all in and overworking or I’m just not going to try that hard.
The bystander is something I was waffling on, because I couldn’t tell if it was something that was showing up for me. It’s clear that I have the fears of making the wrong choice, fear of looking dumb, fear of failure, which leads to overthinking and admittedly what looks like paralysis from the outside, but really it’s a lot of churn on the inside. I don’t know that I’m “waiting for a miracle” but I do wish I could find the perfect way to do something so as to avoid failure.
I’m still working through the experiments section of this module. Though the crunchiest area I have self-doubt in is at work, I understand from that video that it’s probably not a good place to start. (My inner critic right now is saying, what’s the point of taking the course if you aren’t going to tackle the big problems. I’m shushing her right now, but I agree with her to some extent. I’m telling her because Sas says so. We’ll see if she listens.)
Anyway, I have a couple other experiments I could consider – 1) I’m trying to declutter my house by selling old clothes and I’ve been in bystander mode for this for some time. I’m waiting for the correct approach, when I know I could try something to make progress. I want to list one item on e-bay to see what happens, but I’ve been afraid to do this. That might be an experiment I could do. 2) I could consider upholding some boundaries with friends/family and phone time. I’m really bad at this because I want connection, so this is a primary way for me to get it. 3) I really want to think about something I can do with work, but I need some help here.
Yes I highly recommend starting with something you don’t have too much resistance around.
Listing an item on eBay sounds like a great start! And it is definitely worth looking at why you are afraid to do this? Is it the technical know-how (eg: the risk of complexity)? Or something else? Once you look at what self-doubt is protecting you from you can look at how best to support yourself. Eg: Maybe you have a friend who can help you set up your ebay account?
We all tend to access each of the protectors in different contexts. The idea here is to offer your Protectors the help of your Healthy Adult Self. Then they don’t have much to do – over time they start to quieten down.
This is why I recommend starting with something easy – then you are building the muscle so that when you do decide to make changes in areas where you have a lot of self-doubt, you feel stronger and more fortified.
Let us know how you get on!
Hi there. I actually tried to list something on eBay and it didn’t work. I didn’t have an account set up with a payment method so they wouldn’t let me list things online for sale. And then, instead of adding a payment method, I just stopped. I haven’t looked at it again in about a day and a half. Today I am thinking “why does everything have to be so hard?” and I don’t want to do this. I think when other difficult things are going on in life, as in today was a tough workday because I received criticism, this message of why does everything have to be so hard and why can’t this just be easy pops up. And then I get stuck. So that’s the update.
Bravo for taking the first step Priti! That’s such a positive step. And even though you didn’t get as far through as you would have liked – it sounds as if you know the next step is to set up the payment method. Thats great!
With your stuckness – I want to show you what I see happening here. I’m going to talk through the Belief Buster process, so you can also see what’s happening.
This is how you can shift your approach out of Scapegoat, to one where you are more resourced.
It’s likely that as we go through this, you might experience some resistance: wanting to dismiss, avoid or ignore this. Of course, I only want you to take what feels helpful to you! But do pay attention to your responses here.
So, what I want you to notice is how powerful this belief is: ‘why does everything have to be so hard?’.
When you believe this, you experience feelings of being stuck – I’m sensing you also feel maybe defeated and fed up? – but do check the Feelings Wheel (p28 of the SBS Playbook) and see what resonates for you.
These feelings are what lead you to you stopping/giving up. We always act based on how we feel.
So when you give up because you feel stuck, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy: you don’t make progress because it feels hard and this is because you believe it’s hard (even when you know the next step is to set up the payment system!).
And then you start noticing other aspects of your life that feel hard.
Before you know it, you start approaching everything in your life this way, expecting things to be hard for you because look at all the evidence!
I want you to notice that you can choose how you want to approach listing your item on eBay.
Go through the Belief Buster!
The idea is that your more helpful belief helps you access how you want to feel about this task.
There are so many other ways to look at this situation that are more helpful!
Some ideas:
I’m learning how to do this for the first time.
I wonder how to do this?
Wow technology is magical – my grandmother couldn’t even conceive of eBay!
The important thing is that you BELIEVE your more helpful thought (and you’ll know you believe it because you won’t feel any resistance to it – you already know it’s true).
But see how actively choosing how you are going to approach this one action can completely change how you feel and what you do as a result?
This is how you can shift out of that Scapegoat protector mode (everything is so hard) and into Self-worth where you take a stand and get something done.
How does that land for you Priti?
Hello Sas and Self Belief Schoolers, I’ve just watched the Protector Matrix (twice) and thought I’d jot down a couple of reflections which stood out for me.
The Scapegoat comes up in my career and in other areas of life like admin/ house maintenance/ child raising. Can anyone relate? The Bystander also comes up in my career and also with money. Always waiting until I have enough before spending – I’ll never have enough will I!?
The Martyr is more subtle and I don’t think I relate to it as much, other than the common (?) need to be liked and the avoidance of conflict. The Critic was an accurate explanation of me in my past relationship of 14years (father to my child). Always feeling I wasn’t good enough and constantly craved control, feared being less than perfect and criticised. That relationship ended a couple of years ago and I’m sure The Critic is quieter nowadays. Can the Protector show up like this? Influenced by those people you spend time with?
Just thought I’d share, I’d be interested to hear your thoughts – on to the next video now.
🙂
Hey Andrea! I was just doing a sweep on my spam and found the notification of your comment – I am so sorry for missing this!
I loved your insights into the protectors and how they show up 🙂 Your experience is very much shared – I’ve found they tend to show up in different places in our lives.
To answer your question: YES other people absolutely influence and reinforce those protective patterns. We can get entangled with each other’s protectors so easily.
It sounds like your past relationship didn’t have room for compassion or imperfection at all. I want you to know that ending this was a huge act of self-care. I am so glad you are not in this anymore xx
Hi I have two separate comments – First for the Life Map. I literally was afraid to do this and put it off because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to come up with many happy, positive, joyous events. What I found was in my adult life, 30s I have had many happy experiences that have also been self-development, exploring events. I don’t think I’d have seen that without putting it on the page like that. So the meaning it see with this I have taking many risks to help myself grow, feelings of success were there and I did hard self-development actions by being brave and resilient. I was seeing myself as that person. I saw myself as sad, painful/difficult person and in that meaning making section of “I’m not– etc.)
The negative parts were definitely a series of patterns over and over, relationships and meaning making weren’t a big surprise.
I’m so glad you were surprised by the number of positive events Amanda! It sounds like you are getting some reminders of being someone who is much more than sad, painful/difficult. Expanding your sense of self to hold both is very much tapping into your Healthy Adult Self – bravo!
I also notice the words you use may be tapping into your personal values: exploration, growth, bravery, resilience. So good to know they are right there 🙂
The second part – Uncovering Protective Beliefs Exercise. – I”m not sure if I nailed my protective beliefs or not. I need some clarity on this.
My Goal: I want to have a sense of community in business in friendships in my local surroundings. I want to feel a sense of belonging in that I have value to contribute and be able to trust others in what I can learn from their experience/feedback.
I Want to Get Better: Meeting new people, Meeting people in small groups, especially, 1:1 as well, being honest with myself about people I’m meeting that I feel no connection with, meeting like-minded people – ppl who want to evolve, take risks, etc.
What I’m Doing Instead: procrastinating, not putting myself in a position to meet like-minded people, avoiding trying new groups like Toastmasters, BNI (business networking international), a woman’s outdoor group; watching people in pairs spending time together at parks or elsewhere and reminding myself there’s no guarantee they’re actually happy anyway, Watching self-help, doing self-care – being alone, staying in my house or doing things that don’t require being around others, Tasking: keeping myself busy so there’s no time to connect with people; connecting with people that I don’t feel connected to.
In My Worry Box: I’ll be left alone in my thoughts and feel worse as a person; I’d worry I could never be enough; I’d worry with the people I do meet I’ll fall into people pleasing and/or clingy; I’d worry people would see me as lacking/flawed; I feel some shame at where I am right now (job loss) and unsure what I want and to do next and be good enough for interviews I’m having now. That feeling of being found out/imposter syndrome.
My Protective Beliefs: Feeling unsafe in my vulnerability/period of transition in my career; being judged for not being sure of what my next steps are and end goal of becoming; I need to suck it up and go it alone; it’s not possible for me to feel connection in my local community because everyone else knows what they’re doing certainly by their 50s.
This is a cracking share Amanda – bravo!
The purpose of this exercise is to uncover the Protective Beliefs that drive the protective behaviours (‘what I’m doing instead’). We are articulating why you aren’t reaching your goal. You’ve done a great job of getting that onto the page.
When I look at your protective beliefs I am struck by how much you are protecting yourself from the risk of being judged.
I wonder where this risk comes from? Where did you learn that you needed to protect yourself from judgement? What does this remind you of?
Hi Sas. I read your comment yesterday and I felt unsure of a where it was coming from. Today I think it is related to concern about being perfect/getting things right growing up. I could never tell what mood my dad was in – and was often in that hyper arousal state looking for cues if he had been drinking or not. He could be verbal abusive in one of his moods or choose to isolate in his den in drunk that red jug wine like if he was supposed to have joined in family things like watch a movie after dinner and be the dad we loved.
Because of dad’s drinking and wanting to have his attention when he was in the right mood, I often felt like I had to present perfectionism and it was like my sister and I competed for his attention and my sister usually didn’t come in first. For the most part my grades were good. However, I witnessed my sister who is and was intelligent get less than perfect grades. If it was under my dad’s standards – especially in math (and/or science, subject my dad excelled in as a computer engineer), he made her eat dinner alone in her room! I witnessed this frequently. The teachers sucked, not my sister. My dad had it out for her – if not her less than perfect grades then her weight which became the next issue my dad found fault with comparing my sister’s health to my dad’s mother who had a lot of health problems per my father that caused her death. I remember protesting at the dinner table; it wasn’t fair to do this to my sister; please to let her be at the table. The same with my mom and my dad just got angry like this was a lesson my sister needed to learn and none of would ever win this argument, no matter how many times it was. And it was a lot.
I hated witnessing this, feeling I could do nothing to help her and guilty for not having my dad ever doing this to me; my sister and I still have a difficult relationship. I stayed skinny until about my thirties and even then I really worried what my dad would say about my weight gain (he never said anything).
I remember once in my late twenties or thirties he spoke/complained about my sister’s weight to a bunch of outdoors friends when we were x-country skiing. My sister was not there. Later when it was just Dad and me in the car, I told him he shouldn’t talk about her like that; she is his daughter and these were private things that should stay in our family. His job was to love her. He didn’t listen to me; he continued saying what she should be doing and I felt angry and guilty.
About 8 months before my dad’s unexpected death, I wrote a letter to him about what his drinking did to my sister, mom and me – and stopped being in touch for a few months. Then a favorite cousin died and we reconnected never speaking about the letter. Dad and I had a nice lunch together sooner after; it was during my parents’ divorce about 5 months before his death. Then he brought up my sister’s weight again as he pulled into my driveway to drop me off. And I flew off the handle telling him that he was missing out on my sister and all her good qualities and naming them all and what an amazing person she is and he needed to get over it and just love her because he had 2 daughters, not just me. All she ever wanted was his love and he screwed it up by focusing on this horrible stupid thing. He finally listened. I know things were better from what my sister shared later before he died.
I realize with certainty that it was my father where I learned to protect myself from judgment. I saw it in the relationships I had with men and I’ve seen in when I have a male boss which has been a lot of them. I’ve dealt with workaholism not knowing this was to disguise the need for perfection and proving myself as good enough b/c I never believed I was. It’s definitely worse when I had a male boss. While I still have had this need to prove myself with women; I get so worried people will think I’m not going enough. And that anxiety has cost me 2 jobs. Maybe those jobs weren’t the right fit on one hand, but the anxiety to prove myself just made my performance worse. If I felt supported and respected and respected myself and my abilities, I could have had a chance. And because of these failed attempts, I’ve developed some imposter syndrome that I am trying so hard to release as I am back to job searching.
Even now when I tell people what I did in putting myself out there with my book and my paintings, and a blog I had, many people are impressed and/or relate to what I’ve written or love my painting work, which I’ve stopped doing (more or less). It’s been a lot of work releasing my shame and self-punishment – because my father did not support my creativity and my mom said it could only be a hobby which I translated to mean, you’re not good enough and you’ll never be good enough.
When I told my dad about writing my book and wanting to move to Colorado (I never did despite numerous job offers), he didn’t say anything about the writing (which I decided was good) but when I talked about moving to Colorado, he protested in a way that I verbally talked myself out of this dream to get his approval and it made me feel like I couldn’t have dreams and it left me really sad and disappointed (and that was in my mid thirties). I felt like with my parents, especially my dad I was always trying to prove myself. My mom also guilted me about moving away, that she’d be alone and if I protested she had her friends or my sister was moving back, nothing was ever enough except to give up and accept my fate. I always felt moving away would bring me freedom from my parents and I still believe it even though Dad is gone and Mom has Alzheimer’s.
It’s really embarrassing/humiliating sharing these things. I am 51! and I have a right to make my own decisions.
Yet given the strong control/shaming/guilting from my parents, maybe it’s not a huge surprise of the challenges I’ve had. I do have a right to live my life the way I want. Intellectually it’s very easy. Yet, given the chance for big change now I see myself in lack/scarcity. My mom wanted me to get married and have kids and that was a constant pressure. If I wanted to have more money, I should get married and I knew having kids was not a choice I wanted.
Growing up I saw my mom speaking badly of herself or tried to make her feel better when my dad was mean. Still I try to make my mom feel better with her Alzheimer’s now. I know the source of my own self-talk. I know I deserve kindness and self-compassion. I know I deserve happiness and fulfillment in my job.
Wow this is a long post. judgment – yes, the source is my parents. I had to be good as possible; there was no other choice. And the controlling aspect of my parents’ words – guilt and shaming just made my ability to love myself that much harder.
My heart goes out to Little Amanda advocating for your sister, and trying so hard to gain the approval of your father. For whatever reason he was not able to give either of you what you need.
I wonder if this share helps you to make the connection between your experience of your parents, and all the ways you are currently protecting yourself from the fear of being judged?
I am hoping you can see that anyone who grew up in these conditions would likely have developed these same coping mechanisms of constantly proving yourself and perfectionism.
Our Protective Beliefs are what drive us – you’ve done a great job of uncovering what is holding you back from your desire to develop a community. Bravo!
The brilliant thing is that even though you went through this for decades, you have developed into an intelligent, thoughtful and self-aware person. This is your Healthy Adult Self – she is so much of who you are underneath your self-doubt – in the next few modules we’ll start to give her much more airtime.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate your willingness to be with these vulnerable memories in order to change your responses. I see you being very courageous and I just know your future self is like me, willing you on 🙂
Hi Sas. Thank you for all this. Between this post and your questions and a recent appointment doing trauma therapy with EMDR, what I learned from my nurturing self in conversation with Little Amanda is that I have a history of carrying other people’s burdens. And that I don’t need to have that role anymore. In fact, they weren’t my burdens to carry in the first place, but Little Amanda thought it was her job to take care of everyone else, like keeping the peace, getting my sister’s voice heard, keeping everyone happy. It wasn’t Little Amanda’s job in fact.
It is like you’ve said, Little Amanda had coping mechanisms of constantly proving herself and perfection with my parents and I can see now how the connection of being judged has followed me in my life with work managers and worries about not being perfect and ultimately not being perfect while speaking up for myself to a recent manager that sometimes I make mistakes; it’s what humans do.
My Healthy Adult Self is intelligent, thoughtful and self-aware. This is ALL true. I am grateful for the life map and seeing evidence of the positive, joyous and happy memories and making meaning from those. I look forward to championing my future self. I know the only way through all this is to be vulnerable so I can be open for the changes within. Thank you for willing me on.
‘Little Amanda thought it was her job to take care of everyone else, but in fact, it wasn’t Little Amanda’s job’.
YES! What a gift to offer that healthy, adult reassurance to Little Amanda. And I also see you making the important link from those early coping mechanisms and your attempts to create safety for yourself in current work contexts.
SO good Amanda! Bravo 🙂
Hello-
Just received the link to this week’s module. The videos are quite short (less than a minute and a half?) and seem to allude to information that is not included in the video.
Thanks for any clarifications you might offer!
My Self Doubt is saying be a good girl and contact Lucy via support@selfbeliefschool first. I’ve decided to take the risk of being judged and embarrassed and ask my question here.
Mary
Mary you are absolutely right! We’ve had a tech hitch 🙂 Lucy is on it and we’ll have the full videos uploaded very shortly. Thank you for your message – it meant we could restore this before the weekend. I’m so grateful xx
Thanks for the rapid and reassuring response Sas. ❣️❣️❣️
always xx
All sorted now Mary!
Hello from Northeastern United States!
The Critic is my absolutely favorite time honored and honed Self Protector with a healthy dose of the Martyr added in as a nod to my Catholic upbringing.
When I try to speak to myself with compassion, I am afraid I won’t know the Right Thing to Do because I am letting myself off the hook.
My fear is that if I don’t criticize my actions I’ll be found out as fraudulent by the other person (partner, child, coworker, person in line at the grocery store, random person on the street) and then be judged, rejected and embarrassed. If I criticize my actions first, you don’t get a jump on me so it won’t hurt as much if/when you do criticize me.
There is a sly element of competition in there too. If I criticize myself first, I am superior to you (as in hah you’re just catching on- I already knew I was a fuck up) which protects me from your judgement, rejection and embarrassment. How much can your judgement and rejection mean if I’ve already condemned and rejected myself? Somehow this very twisted “logic” is weirdly self protective although as I write it here it looks very self wounding.
Competition does figure into my self protection patterns. Judge others as less than (based on criteria from my family of origen yup) so I can feel safe around them and offer them my beneficent Martyr behaviors and engage in a specific type of relationship (characterized by I’m the kindest, generous, willing to do anything at work kind of professional). Judge others as more than so I know to they are unsafe and need extra people appeasing, fawning, hiding, overwork.
This is all extremely exhausting and unfortunately results in huge reservoirs of resentment (as my sweet inner child gets tired of all the bullshit and having her basic needs ignored while clearly seeing the futility of all the mind reading that is part of this sticky tangle) eventually result in me ghosting the relationship or leaving the job. The only relationships I have managed to maintain are with my 3 kids, siblings and cats. (Data point: 15 jobs in a 37 year career with a 5 year hiatus for child rearing.)
Thanks for receiving all of this with your characteristic care and kindness!
Mary
Mary this is such a beautifully full share – thank you for trusting us with this.
I am so struck by your deep levels of self-awareness – you’re able to richly articulate your experience of your protector. And you have such a SUPER sophisticated protector – she has been working so bloody hard.
I am wondering how your heart is in all of this.
I wonder how you are making sense of these connections – does this feel like this is new insight? Or are you feeling like you know these patterns so well?
And can you say more about how it feels to get to here? Are you excited? Hopeful? Fed up? All three! Something else?
Can you say more?
Hello Sas-
I would say I have had pieces of this self awareness tucked away in messy corners of shame and guilt. SBS is enabling me to see the connections and the underlying fear (I am not good enough for other people – thank you for articulating this so succinctly Lisa at our most recent coaching call) that drives all of these behaviours. I am seeing my life and choices more compassionately than simply I’m a spineless, lazy syncophant.
Over the weekend as I took in the video lessons and responded to the prompts in the Playbook, I felt swamped by grief for the enormity and pervasiveness of the fear that underpins my Protector. I felt so sad for my sweet child self surrounded by struggling adults who swung between warm and loving and downright dangerous. I saw how I had developed my observational skills in an attempt to survive the capriciousness of these adults. I saw how my people pleasing behaviours and negation of my own needs was my child’s magical thinking that I could influence the behaviours of my caregivers by predicting and providing what I thought they wanted and needed. My unspoken contract- I’ll take care of you and give you what I think you want and eventually you will love me and take care of my needs.
Such a back asswards way of getting my own needs met. I am so sad as I review the myriad of relationships where I replicated this pattern over and over- watching it play out again and again feeling helpless to change the inevitable outcome (which served to reinforce my feelings of inadequacy and cowardice while providing the Critic with more IRL examples that the RISK IS REAL).
Finally with SBS, I think I am understanding why I could not just change my protective patterns. The patterns of self protection were trying to distract me from the pain of what my Protector has believed to be true all these years. So much safer to believe that the next program, course, book, retreat, personality test will reveal the “cure” for my lack of assertiveness than feel the pain of knowing I am not as good as other people and therefore I do not have a right to take up space as my own messy self in this world.
I am hopeful Sas. I see so much more of what appear to be the true underpinnings of my behaviours. I am able to look at this material without only shame spiraling into shadow comforts. I am also able to see glimmers of Healthy Adult choices (spoke with someone this morning to help me with one of my biggest areas of shame and overwhelm -PHOTOS! I finally got my 2021 taxes filed and penalties paid. I am actually making time for this course including lighting candles and selecting music to help me create the sacred space I need for this work).
I am very grateful for SBS. I feel like have been thrown a life rope to the safe harbour of myself, a place I have previously polluted unwittingly with false beliefs and old stories and made unsafe for my wild and tender self to roam free and unfettered.
Thank you Sas!! xxx
I am so moved by the incredible empathy and awareness of Little Mary – making choices from a super young age to keep herself safe in deeply confusing circumstances.
I just really want to affirm that ‘the swing’ you describe – from adults who went from warm and loving to downright dangerous – is traumatising. It’s one of the hardest experiences to navigate.
It’s wild how this kind of trauma brings with it a shit tonne of protective beliefs – that somehow ‘if only I’d done x – if I am to blame then I can fix me and y won’t happen again’ – but this is a way of paradoxically trying to control the uncontrollable.
It was never your fault. There was nothing you could or should have done. This was never your responsibility. You have always been so loveable.
All to say your grief is completely understandable – and I believe – healing. Hearing you describe being able to hold your little self with some compassion suggests to me that there is something beautiful transforming inside of you.
I am so hopeful too, Mary. What an incredible series of connections you are making – that awareness is gold! That you are seeing glimmers of your Healthy Adult Self is wondrous.
You get to take care of your little self – to treat you with the love and respect and care you have always been worthy of.
What a joy it is to see you emerging xxx
Hello- I’m back with another realization from reflecting on this Module. My overarching self protection strategy has been to try to make the other people “safe” for me by utilizing all of the resistance patterns particularly people pleasing. No surprise this strategy has been doomed to failure (there is no amount of people pleasing or hiding to make people truly “safe” as in never will reveal me as less than).
Safety is going to be an inside job for me. The safety of knowing with real world evidence that I am my own Ride or Die. My hope is that this program is going to help me know that I will not choose to abandon myself despite anything that comes my way both wonderful and everything that masquerades as less than wonderful.
Hi Mary, I so love this realisation for you. I feel like I’m hearing your Healthy Adult Self here loudly and clearly – and I wonder how it feels for you to hear this part of you voicing this now?
As Sas said in response to your beautiful reflections above: your protector has been working so hard to keep you safe. It can be disappointing or confronting to realise it doesn’t matter how hard she works at people pleasing it will never be enough. How perfect then that at this moment of realisation your Healthy Adult Self clears her throat and says ‘it’s ok, I’ve got this, we create safety from the inside’. What a beautiful thing to witness this happening for you.
Thank you Lisa for your reassuring response. I am scared tbh- wondering if I can really be brave enough to let other people have their own thoughts and responses to me? I totally know that other people’s responses to me are none of my business nor do I have any control over them yet this knowledge has not helped me to let go of my protective patterns. I have tried so many times and ways to be brave and believe in myself yadayadayada that I am leery of actually being able to change. And I desperately deeply want to make new choices.
It’s entirely understandable that your realisation might trigger your protectors alarm, Mary. Your protector is doing her job! She has many stories and examples to draw upon about why this isn’t safe and how you might hurt yourself. It can help to reassure your protector: I know this feels scary and you’re worried about [insert the psychological risk you’re noticing] and it’s ok, we’re just going to begin to experiment with how we might be able to find safety from inside of us.
I wonder whether a small, doable experiment has come to mind this week when you watched the module 3 video? We’re going to explore this more in our call tomorrow and choose an experiment that feels good to do over the next week. I wonder how you could gently experiment in relation to what’s come up for you here. So happy to support you around this in our circle 🙂
Hello 🙂
I seem to have the pair of protectors that Sas *didn’t* pair together at the end: the Martyr and the Bystander. My biggest fears are being disliked and of looking foolish. I think this harks back to my experiences at school! I seem to be in a pattern of overfunctioning for others (so they like me) but underfunctioning for myself (I can’t get started on the things I want to do/be because it will be wrong, I’ll look foolish or odd).
Also wanted to add a note here to let Lisa (and my fellow group members) know that I won’t be at the call tomorrow because I have a work away day in central London. This was scheduled a long time ago so no fault of my protector! Looking forward to seeing you all next week.
Hi Kate,
Thank you so much for sharing this — I’m sure so many can recognize themselves in how you kept yourself feeling safe while at school.
It sounds like young-Kate did an incredible job at keeping the boat from rocking by ensuring she wasn’t being judged and keeping herself as liked as possible. It makes a ton of sense and I’m sure this helped to avoid overwhelming moments where you may have felt like you didn’t belong.
It also sounds like “Little Kate” had quite a big job to do and that this may have been pretty exhausting for her.
What I love is that you’re bringing this experience into the here-and-now and seeing how Little Kate is still very much a part of you. It’s so interesting how these previous experiences really do live on in us, isn’t it?
One thing that may be true for you is that “Little Kate” has taken on this Protector role for you when similar risks arise as they did for her.
And, rather than us wish she weren’t there or she was somehow different, we can also consider treating her with the love and care that she always wanted. We can soften and find compassion for what she went through.
It sounds like your Protector is quite sophisticated and helps you stay safe by being hyper-tuned to the unspoken needs of others. As a result, its sense of worthiness may often be tied to how it believes others perceive you.
When we have this type of Protector and want to prioritize our own needs/goals/dreams, we can feel hamstrung by how we may be judged and have difficulty trusting our own sense of discernment. It can feel like there is a lot at risk.
I’m curious if this rings true and what comes up as read this?
And, as you consider some experiments for this week, how could you support yourself and Little Kate to feel safe? This may be a rich area to explore as you take these first, small steps in seeing what else may be true here besides the message of your Protector.
Thank you Scott. Quite a lot of this rings true, particularly feeling hamstrung by how I may be judged and having difficulty trusting my own sense of discernment. Yes it feels like there is a lot at risk!
The other thing that comes up for me is a sense of sadness about how “Little Kate” probably misread the reality a bit. I always felt like an outsider but I *did* have a few close and trusted friends. And although I felt deeply uncool and constantly judged, conversations I’ve had as an adult reflect a different reality. (Small example, my sister showed some of her school friends a picture of me as an adult – specifically noting my tattoos and undercut – and apparently they were all like “oh Kate was also so cool so we’re not surprised she’s a cool edgy adult” LOL this is not my perception of myself then or now!) I guess so many people feel awkward and weird and nobody on the outside notices because they’re too preoccupied with their own awkwardness.
Ooh, I so hear you here, Kate! One of the things that has become so unbelievably clear to me is that we really have absolutely no idea how others perceive us unless we ask them. None.
So yes, what a gift it was that your sister shared those reflections with you! I would imagine this challenged some preconceptions you had about who you were at that age.
And yes, you hit the nail on the head: we can be so occupied with our own stories and our filters through which we see the world, it’s useful to remember that applies even to how others see us. It’s the paradox of truth – none of it is “true” but there may be elements that resonate and be helpful on your path. You can just choose what you want and leave the rest behind.
I’m wondering if, in hearing this feedback from your sister, does it update your story at all around how you were perceived at this age? What does that feel like for you?
Looking forward to seeing you next week Kate! We figured out a small doable experiment to do over the next week in today’s call. I wonder what experiment you’re drawn to? Do let us know if we can support you in choosing one 🙂
Hi Lisa. The experiment I am drawn to is noticing where I am waiting before taking the next step, and journaling around what this is protecting me from.
A situation arose last night that I also treated as a small experiment. I went round to somebody’s flat after my awayday yesterday and he could see I was tired so wanted to look after me a bit and I had so much resistance to that! But I thought I would see what it would be like to stop protesting and let somebody do the caring. I just sat on the sofa under a blanket and let food me brought to me, and ALSO (this is a big one) after protesting that it was a waste of money, let him book and pay for an Uber home to save me doing the tube + bus + walking alone at 11pm across London. Lots of icky feelings came up but I think it was also nice to drop the guard of “strong and independent”.
Kate! I loved that you experimented with your friend and allowed yourself to be taken care of. Bravo!
After an experiment, its a great practice to write down your thoughts, feelings and actions, and also to expand out to the wider perspective – what might it have been like for your friend? What might this do for your friendship now that you have allowed yourself to be cared for? What does this open up for you in terms of other parts of yourself you allow to be known?
(M4 that is now live and includes the Meaning Making Map – you can use this template for exploring experiments).
Hi Kate, I too am loving your experiment with allowing your friend to take care of you. Amazing 🙂 Can’t wait to hear how these experiments play out over the week and your reflections on Sas’ juicy questions here. See you on Thursday!
Note for Scott: sadly will miss coaching circle this arvo as I’m on day 2 of a migraine. Sorry!
Oh no, Fiona – hope it resolves soon! Sending you healing vibes!
Also, I can email you the document we all shared to help us pick an Experiment for this week if you’d like – let me know if that would be helpful for you.
Yes please Scott, thank you. It lasted five days so I’m only just resurfacing but will catch-up. On that note, I’m due to be running in-person training up to coaching circle time on Thursday. Would it be ok for me to join halfway through? I’ll happily sit in the Zoom waiting room until a suitable moment for me to join.
Absolutely Fiona – we missed you last week! Please do come whenever you’re able.
My protector is a crafty beast of a thing. [See attached image of “My Protector”. I went down quite a rabbit hole to find this fan art pict of a “My Little Pony” with massively overdeveloped muscles.]
I have a complex cocktail of protector traits, no single category is standing out to me after watching the videos. I’ve gone through my notes and circled things I resonate with from each. Different things come out in different situations for sure.
Realizing this alone is a big enough take away for me today. Sitting with this and listening to Sas’s “Unfuckingstoppable” playlist on Spotify today.
Hi Lavet, Yes this makes so much sense. Oftentimes we can have different types of Protectors step forward depending on the situation and what our Protector thinks is needed to keep us safe. Circling what lands for you is perfect – it’s incredible all the tools it has at its disposal, isn’t it??
So glad that you’re seeing how sophisticated and intelligent your Protector is. And yes, they certainly can seem really strong and “armored up”! I think that inside of that, I’ve found there’s a sensitive part of us that feels like the world and the people in it can be quite big.
Love this insight you had today! (And, for what it’s worth, I would not mess with your Protector as she looks quite imposing. I wonder if that’s what she’s there to communicate?)
Thanks for the insights Scott.
I think at one time she allowed herself to get all jacked to look imposing… but unfortunately I think that protective shell just attracts people who are looking for a fight. I don’t think my protector works to protect me any more, it is causing far more harm than good. She’s a magnet for like-minded fighters and prevents me from connecting with others who live from their healthy adult self.
She felt protective at different times in the past but now, is a hard shell I want to crack out of. It isn’t me, I’m identifying with this aspect less and less. I’m ready to let go, be tender, and put myself out there in new, vulnerable ways.
It’s such a joy to read your insights about this image of your Protector, Lavet! It’s a big old breakthrough sign for me when we can see that the Protector no longer feels compatible with who we are – we get to morph and change this part of us into something else.
Your willingness to let go of some of that armour, to soften into tenderness is very much your Healthy Adult Self to me – developing resources and strategies, other than your ability to fight and defend gives you so much more flexibility.
I wonder what being more tender might look like for you?
Thanks Sas.
More tender is maybe… holding space in my heart for grief instead of fight response right now.
Rather than argue or defend when someone else is ramping up, I can resist the need to prove myself. As someone intensely scape-goated by my family of origin, this is really hard to let go of but reacting in any way just fuels their stance.
Instead, I can remind myself to see their actions as being them, their choices, their own emotions. It informs me about how they are willing to treat people and what their character is. I can grieve as I see them for who they are, an unsafe person in the throws of their own stuff. If a person is looking to project their stuff onto me, there is nothing I can say to convince them otherwise. That is really sad. It’s a loss.
Being tender is feeling more complex feelings while knowing I don’t need a situation to turn out differently to be ok.
Being the family scapegoat makes it so hard to trust other people. It makes complete sense to me that you would get skilled at defending yourself, and I’ve no doubt that there were times when you felt like the only way to be heard was to fight.
So your Protector has done such a good job of keeping you safe.
I often think that when we are willing to fight in a realtionship we we really want to connect, we want to be understood and heard and acknowledged. And you are absolutely right – when we meet fight with fight it adds energy to the fire.
Sometimes this is absolutely necessary! You have this amazing ability to go into bat for yourself – that is an excellent resource to call on when you know you need strong boundaries.
And it sounds like you are also opening up to other resources to – offering yourself the space to be with the loss and the grief, which also allows you to notice that for others too.
This might feel awkward at first! But its a great experiment to have in your pocket – how do I want to respond to this invitation to a fight?
One of my favourite responses to someone who is gearing up for a fight is to take a breath and ask them ‘are you ok?’.
Scott, apologies for missing the call today – thought I’d be back in time but sadly not, I’m sure it was a great one and looking forward to catching you all next week!
No problem, Hannah! We each chose an experiment to work on this week. Will email you a helpful document that may help you choose something to play with in-between Coaching Circles. Looking forward to seeing you next week!
Hello all you lovely people, sorry to Lisa and my group I missed the call last week – I hope I can make it this week again….
I just now got around to watching the protective patterns video and was wondering if anybody else was feeling like all four do actually apply?
And Lisa, if you could share the experiments you guys were talking about as examples, I would be most grateful, too 🙂
Hi Marie-Luise – here’s the link to the experiments handout (we’ll get that added to the module above too!)
Re: feeling like all four apply. Yes, the Protective Matrix acts like a system, so we all have the potential to develop all four styles of protection.
Most of us have one or two that come up all the time. And sometimes it can be that you have one that pops up in an area of your life (eg: the Bystander showing up whenever you are making decisions in your business).
You could think of this as a pie and it gets split in four ways – so you might have 5% Scapegoat, 35% Martyr, 1% Bystander and 59% Critic.
Is there one that you most identify with? If you split up your pie what percentages would you get?
Hello! The protector that is showing up for me a lot right now is the Bystander. I have a protective belief that failure is to be avoided at all costs so it makes sense that the Bystander would show up here. When I did the Making Peace with My Protector worksheet, in both of the memories I worked through I experienced a near-failure or I was scared of failure, and the response to both of those situations was quitting and never trying again. I’m not sure how I can respond differently to the Bystander? In the case of being afraid that my failure will disappoint someone I love, I could try “confessing” my fears or my failure and (hopefully) seeing that the reaction isn’t that bad. I remember when I was in my last year of uni and feeling the weight of expectations to finish brilliantly, and when I worked up the courage to tell my mum that I was thinking of dropping a unit or two she was completely nonplussed and encouraged me to do whatever felt right for me (um, just like someone who loved me!). I ended up continuing on full-time, with the burden of expectations (which were in my head) lifted. So that’s one thing to try, But what about when it’s about letting myself down? When I’m scared of not living up to my own expectations? When I’m waiting, not taking action, avoiding the thing, because I don’t want to experience failure because of how I will feel about myself?
Hey Nasreen – this is such a great share.
From these memories you’ve explored, you had a juicy combination of Bystander and Critic going on.
So when faced with the fear of disappointment or failure, you tended to respond by quitting and not trying again, or working really hard. Does that feel true?
I’d love to help you experiment with responding differently.
Can you tell me more about the expectations you have of yourself in your life now? I’m particularly interested in the beliefs you have about your expectations!
Yes, Bystander and Critic are my trusty sidekicks. Expectations I have of myself: that I will be able to expand my business and increase my income, that I continue to look after my health, that I support and have quality time with my family. Beliefs about those expectations? That the first one is tricky, that it will take a while before I can actually earn money with any new services. That the other two are non-negotiables that cannot be compromised.
This is great! So tell me more about: those expectations of expanding your business and increasing your income – why does that matter?
There will be logical, practical reasons of course 🙂 But why does expanding your business and increasing your income matter to you? What do you make it mean if you do this, or if you don’t? Do you have ideas about timelines/numbers? Tell me the goss!
Ok here’s the goss: as you said there are the usual practical logical reasons for increasing my income which probably don’t need going over. Other reasons:
This is so great to know – thanks for sharing!
Getting clear on what really matters to you – what you value (we’ll go into this in M6!) is a really effective way to work with the Critic.
This helps to expand your vision outwards from the immediate risk and connect to why the risk is worth it for you. Then you can take doable steps forward with encouragement and compassion.
I can see some of your beautiful values expressed in your share!
These are coming from your Healthy Adult Self – they are great sources for helpful beliefs to support you when that Critic/Bystander shows up – and in particular when it comes to failure and letting yourself down/disappointment.
Over our time together, I’d love you to get to a place where these risks feel pretty neutral for you because they are signs that you are creating the life you want.
One way to do this is to expand your relationship with failure and disappointment. Question your current beliefs that this is the worst thing that could happen. Whenever you find yourself inside a protective belief about failure or disappointment – hold it lightly and question it!
Use the BB to create helpful beliefs you can practice. See how they are connected to what matters to you – to you ‘why’.
For example: imagine your business involved absolutely no failure, no risk, no problems to solve, no creative thinking required, you don’t let yourself down because everything you do happens as you imagine…
Can you see that because of your dynamic driven self – you would find that so bloody boring?!
Thanks Sas. That last bit is so true…if my client roster was full of perfectly behaved children who sat at the table and did all the exercises and all had language problems that were similar or easy to resolve I would die of boredom. Same goes for my business in general, I dream up new programs/collaborations/exercises because I like working like that. I bring it on myself for a reason!
I’m exactly the same 🙂 I wonder if it feels better to know this is an active choice?
Just in case anyone else in the US who is now in daylight savings time doesn’t know that we are now 1 less hour ahead of the UK which means for me, Lisa’s coaching circle is now at 8 am instead of 7 am. It took me a hot second to remember this when I couldn’t get logged into the call just now.
Thank you Sovereign for running the show on figuring this out as my Protector was over in the corner saying all manner of ridiculous things and being her now predictable self.
xx
Mary
This one threw me for a loop as well. I really liked the alignment for pst until it changed back several weeks later – the coaching call I attended was at noon versus 11. Such is life 🙂 and daylight savings apparently.
Exploring the protectors is fascinating as there is so much interconnectedness going on for me. The critic largely shows up at work and when I try something new. The bystander shows up in entrepreneurial endeavors and making big life decisions. The scapegoat shows up with life admin stuff (especially health-related things). And I am a recovering martyr, which had previously shown up at work until I burned out and realized it was completely unsustainable.
Digging into the prompt offered for the critic, I am overworking at work and this protects me from a few things: loss (of my job), judgment (that I don’t do enough), criticism (if I work hard enough, then somehow, making mistakes is more forgivable), and embarrassment (if I don’t drop the ball, no one can say anything). These are all illusions, of course, but so ingrained in me, especially after witnessing my dad losing his job twice. I learned your livelihood is never safe.
The other issue is I always feel behind… in terms of life achievements, money/financial success, actual work tasks, etc. I have always felt this need to keep pushing forward, and I find it impossible to just be. When I left my job, I could barely sit with recovering from burnout because it brought up so many uncomfortable things. Who am I if I’m not earning anything and not contributing? Who am I without work? The critic was very loud in telling me I am no one and not worthy of anything. Yet, it doesn’t change its tune even when I work 200 hours a month, so I know better now. I’ve stopped giving in and I rest when I need to. But there’s a lingering voice in my head saying I’ll need to make up for it later.
I guess it comes down to not being able to accept myself for who I am and where I am at, and maybe that’s because I still don’t know who I am. Lots to think about!
(I hope I’m posting this in the correct place — the header says Module Three Discussions, but I’m on the page for Module 2!)
You’re in exactly the right place 🙂
Your Critic sounds very well developed Erin. I am so stuck by your courage to try something different after your burnout. You are absolutely right about the 200 hours a month – the Critic is looking for safety in over-working but it’s limitless – you will never be able to work enough for the Critic to feel safe enough to hush!
Overworking (or any of our protective patterns) cannot ever be true sources of psychological safety.
But what can happen when we decide to stop our patterns is we don’t quite know who we are without them! They become so much a part of our identity, it can take some time to figure out what else is possible.
All to say, your response is absolutely on the money! And its ok to not know who you are without your overworking – we are going to have some fun figuring that out 🙂
One thing you might want to do is start experimenting with what brings you joy, what lights you up. How would it feel to take yourself on a date somewhere where you live, once a week? Just to see what you enjoy?
Hello all, I’m exploring the protectors this week. I’m noticing that in some way, I experience all of these at some point in time. I could relate to all of them in specific environments. Where I experience the most self doubt is with work (I’ve mentioned this already I think, but this is the main reason I’ve signed up for the course, because the tactics I’ve been using to work through those issues haven’t been working).
The most common protector that shows up for me is the critic when it comes to work, mostly because I notice the behavior of overwork to keep myself safe. It’s a way I use to control things so that I don’t end up getting in trouble at work. I’d say this also comes into play in other areas of my life, but it’s easiest to see at work.
I see the martyr showing up with relationships, e.g. friends and family. I have a fear of being disliked or abandoned/alone so I’ll extend myself so that people will like me. There is also a sense of perfecting my behavior when with others so there is no conflict and thus I can keep the friendship. I see this in some of my behaviors where I don’t want to talk on the phone/text on the phone until I’m ready or when I want to be winding down, but I do it anyway to preserve the relationship. Keeping my boundaries is less important than keeping the friendship.
The scapegoat is also showing up with work. I’m telling myself the story, because of work I’ve done in the past, that if I can’t control the outcome of my work in that I can’t protect myself from being fired through overwork, why bother trying anyway? Why not just keep the boundaries that I want if it doesn’t matter what I do? This is part of a pattern of seeing things in black or white, so either I’m all in and overworking or I’m just not going to try that hard.
The bystander is something I was waffling on, because I couldn’t tell if it was something that was showing up for me. It’s clear that I have the fears of making the wrong choice, fear of looking dumb, fear of failure, which leads to overthinking and admittedly what looks like paralysis from the outside, but really it’s a lot of churn on the inside. I don’t know that I’m “waiting for a miracle” but I do wish I could find the perfect way to do something so as to avoid failure.
I’m still working through the experiments section of this module. Though the crunchiest area I have self-doubt in is at work, I understand from that video that it’s probably not a good place to start. (My inner critic right now is saying, what’s the point of taking the course if you aren’t going to tackle the big problems. I’m shushing her right now, but I agree with her to some extent. I’m telling her because Sas says so. We’ll see if she listens.)
Anyway, I have a couple other experiments I could consider – 1) I’m trying to declutter my house by selling old clothes and I’ve been in bystander mode for this for some time. I’m waiting for the correct approach, when I know I could try something to make progress. I want to list one item on e-bay to see what happens, but I’ve been afraid to do this. That might be an experiment I could do. 2) I could consider upholding some boundaries with friends/family and phone time. I’m really bad at this because I want connection, so this is a primary way for me to get it. 3) I really want to think about something I can do with work, but I need some help here.
Yes I highly recommend starting with something you don’t have too much resistance around.
Listing an item on eBay sounds like a great start! And it is definitely worth looking at why you are afraid to do this? Is it the technical know-how (eg: the risk of complexity)? Or something else? Once you look at what self-doubt is protecting you from you can look at how best to support yourself. Eg: Maybe you have a friend who can help you set up your ebay account?
We all tend to access each of the protectors in different contexts. The idea here is to offer your Protectors the help of your Healthy Adult Self. Then they don’t have much to do – over time they start to quieten down.
This is why I recommend starting with something easy – then you are building the muscle so that when you do decide to make changes in areas where you have a lot of self-doubt, you feel stronger and more fortified.
Let us know how you get on!
Hi there. I actually tried to list something on eBay and it didn’t work. I didn’t have an account set up with a payment method so they wouldn’t let me list things online for sale. And then, instead of adding a payment method, I just stopped. I haven’t looked at it again in about a day and a half. Today I am thinking “why does everything have to be so hard?” and I don’t want to do this. I think when other difficult things are going on in life, as in today was a tough workday because I received criticism, this message of why does everything have to be so hard and why can’t this just be easy pops up. And then I get stuck. So that’s the update.
Bravo for taking the first step Priti! That’s such a positive step. And even though you didn’t get as far through as you would have liked – it sounds as if you know the next step is to set up the payment method. Thats great!
With your stuckness – I want to show you what I see happening here. I’m going to talk through the Belief Buster process, so you can also see what’s happening.
This is how you can shift your approach out of Scapegoat, to one where you are more resourced.
It’s likely that as we go through this, you might experience some resistance: wanting to dismiss, avoid or ignore this. Of course, I only want you to take what feels helpful to you! But do pay attention to your responses here.
So, what I want you to notice is how powerful this belief is: ‘why does everything have to be so hard?’.
When you believe this, you experience feelings of being stuck – I’m sensing you also feel maybe defeated and fed up? – but do check the Feelings Wheel (p28 of the SBS Playbook) and see what resonates for you.
These feelings are what lead you to you stopping/giving up. We always act based on how we feel.
So when you give up because you feel stuck, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy: you don’t make progress because it feels hard and this is because you believe it’s hard (even when you know the next step is to set up the payment system!).
And then you start noticing other aspects of your life that feel hard.
Before you know it, you start approaching everything in your life this way, expecting things to be hard for you because look at all the evidence!
I want you to notice that you can choose how you want to approach listing your item on eBay.
Go through the Belief Buster!
The idea is that your more helpful belief helps you access how you want to feel about this task.
There are so many other ways to look at this situation that are more helpful!
Some ideas:
I’m learning how to do this for the first time.
I wonder how to do this?
Wow technology is magical – my grandmother couldn’t even conceive of eBay!
The important thing is that you BELIEVE your more helpful thought (and you’ll know you believe it because you won’t feel any resistance to it – you already know it’s true).
But see how actively choosing how you are going to approach this one action can completely change how you feel and what you do as a result?
This is how you can shift out of that Scapegoat protector mode (everything is so hard) and into Self-worth where you take a stand and get something done.
How does that land for you Priti?
Hello Sas and Self Belief Schoolers, I’ve just watched the Protector Matrix (twice) and thought I’d jot down a couple of reflections which stood out for me.
The Scapegoat comes up in my career and in other areas of life like admin/ house maintenance/ child raising. Can anyone relate? The Bystander also comes up in my career and also with money. Always waiting until I have enough before spending – I’ll never have enough will I!?
The Martyr is more subtle and I don’t think I relate to it as much, other than the common (?) need to be liked and the avoidance of conflict. The Critic was an accurate explanation of me in my past relationship of 14years (father to my child). Always feeling I wasn’t good enough and constantly craved control, feared being less than perfect and criticised. That relationship ended a couple of years ago and I’m sure The Critic is quieter nowadays. Can the Protector show up like this? Influenced by those people you spend time with?
Just thought I’d share, I’d be interested to hear your thoughts – on to the next video now.
🙂
Hey Andrea! I was just doing a sweep on my spam and found the notification of your comment – I am so sorry for missing this!
I loved your insights into the protectors and how they show up 🙂 Your experience is very much shared – I’ve found they tend to show up in different places in our lives.
To answer your question: YES other people absolutely influence and reinforce those protective patterns. We can get entangled with each other’s protectors so easily.
It sounds like your past relationship didn’t have room for compassion or imperfection at all. I want you to know that ending this was a huge act of self-care. I am so glad you are not in this anymore xx
Hi I have two separate comments – First for the Life Map. I literally was afraid to do this and put it off because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to come up with many happy, positive, joyous events. What I found was in my adult life, 30s I have had many happy experiences that have also been self-development, exploring events. I don’t think I’d have seen that without putting it on the page like that. So the meaning it see with this I have taking many risks to help myself grow, feelings of success were there and I did hard self-development actions by being brave and resilient. I was seeing myself as that person. I saw myself as sad, painful/difficult person and in that meaning making section of “I’m not– etc.)
The negative parts were definitely a series of patterns over and over, relationships and meaning making weren’t a big surprise.
I’m so glad you were surprised by the number of positive events Amanda! It sounds like you are getting some reminders of being someone who is much more than sad, painful/difficult. Expanding your sense of self to hold both is very much tapping into your Healthy Adult Self – bravo!
I also notice the words you use may be tapping into your personal values: exploration, growth, bravery, resilience. So good to know they are right there 🙂
The second part – Uncovering Protective Beliefs Exercise. – I”m not sure if I nailed my protective beliefs or not. I need some clarity on this.
My Goal: I want to have a sense of community in business in friendships in my local surroundings. I want to feel a sense of belonging in that I have value to contribute and be able to trust others in what I can learn from their experience/feedback.
I Want to Get Better: Meeting new people, Meeting people in small groups, especially, 1:1 as well, being honest with myself about people I’m meeting that I feel no connection with, meeting like-minded people – ppl who want to evolve, take risks, etc.
What I’m Doing Instead: procrastinating, not putting myself in a position to meet like-minded people, avoiding trying new groups like Toastmasters, BNI (business networking international), a woman’s outdoor group; watching people in pairs spending time together at parks or elsewhere and reminding myself there’s no guarantee they’re actually happy anyway, Watching self-help, doing self-care – being alone, staying in my house or doing things that don’t require being around others, Tasking: keeping myself busy so there’s no time to connect with people; connecting with people that I don’t feel connected to.
In My Worry Box: I’ll be left alone in my thoughts and feel worse as a person; I’d worry I could never be enough; I’d worry with the people I do meet I’ll fall into people pleasing and/or clingy; I’d worry people would see me as lacking/flawed; I feel some shame at where I am right now (job loss) and unsure what I want and to do next and be good enough for interviews I’m having now. That feeling of being found out/imposter syndrome.
My Protective Beliefs: Feeling unsafe in my vulnerability/period of transition in my career; being judged for not being sure of what my next steps are and end goal of becoming; I need to suck it up and go it alone; it’s not possible for me to feel connection in my local community because everyone else knows what they’re doing certainly by their 50s.
This is a cracking share Amanda – bravo!
The purpose of this exercise is to uncover the Protective Beliefs that drive the protective behaviours (‘what I’m doing instead’). We are articulating why you aren’t reaching your goal. You’ve done a great job of getting that onto the page.
When I look at your protective beliefs I am struck by how much you are protecting yourself from the risk of being judged.
I wonder where this risk comes from? Where did you learn that you needed to protect yourself from judgement? What does this remind you of?
Hi Sas. I read your comment yesterday and I felt unsure of a where it was coming from. Today I think it is related to concern about being perfect/getting things right growing up. I could never tell what mood my dad was in – and was often in that hyper arousal state looking for cues if he had been drinking or not. He could be verbal abusive in one of his moods or choose to isolate in his den in drunk that red jug wine like if he was supposed to have joined in family things like watch a movie after dinner and be the dad we loved.
Because of dad’s drinking and wanting to have his attention when he was in the right mood, I often felt like I had to present perfectionism and it was like my sister and I competed for his attention and my sister usually didn’t come in first. For the most part my grades were good. However, I witnessed my sister who is and was intelligent get less than perfect grades. If it was under my dad’s standards – especially in math (and/or science, subject my dad excelled in as a computer engineer), he made her eat dinner alone in her room! I witnessed this frequently. The teachers sucked, not my sister. My dad had it out for her – if not her less than perfect grades then her weight which became the next issue my dad found fault with comparing my sister’s health to my dad’s mother who had a lot of health problems per my father that caused her death. I remember protesting at the dinner table; it wasn’t fair to do this to my sister; please to let her be at the table. The same with my mom and my dad just got angry like this was a lesson my sister needed to learn and none of would ever win this argument, no matter how many times it was. And it was a lot.
I hated witnessing this, feeling I could do nothing to help her and guilty for not having my dad ever doing this to me; my sister and I still have a difficult relationship. I stayed skinny until about my thirties and even then I really worried what my dad would say about my weight gain (he never said anything).
I remember once in my late twenties or thirties he spoke/complained about my sister’s weight to a bunch of outdoors friends when we were x-country skiing. My sister was not there. Later when it was just Dad and me in the car, I told him he shouldn’t talk about her like that; she is his daughter and these were private things that should stay in our family. His job was to love her. He didn’t listen to me; he continued saying what she should be doing and I felt angry and guilty.
About 8 months before my dad’s unexpected death, I wrote a letter to him about what his drinking did to my sister, mom and me – and stopped being in touch for a few months. Then a favorite cousin died and we reconnected never speaking about the letter. Dad and I had a nice lunch together sooner after; it was during my parents’ divorce about 5 months before his death. Then he brought up my sister’s weight again as he pulled into my driveway to drop me off. And I flew off the handle telling him that he was missing out on my sister and all her good qualities and naming them all and what an amazing person she is and he needed to get over it and just love her because he had 2 daughters, not just me. All she ever wanted was his love and he screwed it up by focusing on this horrible stupid thing. He finally listened. I know things were better from what my sister shared later before he died.
I realize with certainty that it was my father where I learned to protect myself from judgment. I saw it in the relationships I had with men and I’ve seen in when I have a male boss which has been a lot of them. I’ve dealt with workaholism not knowing this was to disguise the need for perfection and proving myself as good enough b/c I never believed I was. It’s definitely worse when I had a male boss. While I still have had this need to prove myself with women; I get so worried people will think I’m not going enough. And that anxiety has cost me 2 jobs. Maybe those jobs weren’t the right fit on one hand, but the anxiety to prove myself just made my performance worse. If I felt supported and respected and respected myself and my abilities, I could have had a chance. And because of these failed attempts, I’ve developed some imposter syndrome that I am trying so hard to release as I am back to job searching.
Even now when I tell people what I did in putting myself out there with my book and my paintings, and a blog I had, many people are impressed and/or relate to what I’ve written or love my painting work, which I’ve stopped doing (more or less). It’s been a lot of work releasing my shame and self-punishment – because my father did not support my creativity and my mom said it could only be a hobby which I translated to mean, you’re not good enough and you’ll never be good enough.
When I told my dad about writing my book and wanting to move to Colorado (I never did despite numerous job offers), he didn’t say anything about the writing (which I decided was good) but when I talked about moving to Colorado, he protested in a way that I verbally talked myself out of this dream to get his approval and it made me feel like I couldn’t have dreams and it left me really sad and disappointed (and that was in my mid thirties). I felt like with my parents, especially my dad I was always trying to prove myself. My mom also guilted me about moving away, that she’d be alone and if I protested she had her friends or my sister was moving back, nothing was ever enough except to give up and accept my fate. I always felt moving away would bring me freedom from my parents and I still believe it even though Dad is gone and Mom has Alzheimer’s.
It’s really embarrassing/humiliating sharing these things. I am 51! and I have a right to make my own decisions.
Yet given the strong control/shaming/guilting from my parents, maybe it’s not a huge surprise of the challenges I’ve had. I do have a right to live my life the way I want. Intellectually it’s very easy. Yet, given the chance for big change now I see myself in lack/scarcity. My mom wanted me to get married and have kids and that was a constant pressure. If I wanted to have more money, I should get married and I knew having kids was not a choice I wanted.
Growing up I saw my mom speaking badly of herself or tried to make her feel better when my dad was mean. Still I try to make my mom feel better with her Alzheimer’s now. I know the source of my own self-talk. I know I deserve kindness and self-compassion. I know I deserve happiness and fulfillment in my job.
Wow this is a long post. judgment – yes, the source is my parents. I had to be good as possible; there was no other choice. And the controlling aspect of my parents’ words – guilt and shaming just made my ability to love myself that much harder.
My heart goes out to Little Amanda advocating for your sister, and trying so hard to gain the approval of your father. For whatever reason he was not able to give either of you what you need.
I wonder if this share helps you to make the connection between your experience of your parents, and all the ways you are currently protecting yourself from the fear of being judged?
I am hoping you can see that anyone who grew up in these conditions would likely have developed these same coping mechanisms of constantly proving yourself and perfectionism.
Our Protective Beliefs are what drive us – you’ve done a great job of uncovering what is holding you back from your desire to develop a community. Bravo!
The brilliant thing is that even though you went through this for decades, you have developed into an intelligent, thoughtful and self-aware person. This is your Healthy Adult Self – she is so much of who you are underneath your self-doubt – in the next few modules we’ll start to give her much more airtime.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate your willingness to be with these vulnerable memories in order to change your responses. I see you being very courageous and I just know your future self is like me, willing you on 🙂
Hi Sas. Thank you for all this. Between this post and your questions and a recent appointment doing trauma therapy with EMDR, what I learned from my nurturing self in conversation with Little Amanda is that I have a history of carrying other people’s burdens. And that I don’t need to have that role anymore. In fact, they weren’t my burdens to carry in the first place, but Little Amanda thought it was her job to take care of everyone else, like keeping the peace, getting my sister’s voice heard, keeping everyone happy. It wasn’t Little Amanda’s job in fact.
It is like you’ve said, Little Amanda had coping mechanisms of constantly proving herself and perfection with my parents and I can see now how the connection of being judged has followed me in my life with work managers and worries about not being perfect and ultimately not being perfect while speaking up for myself to a recent manager that sometimes I make mistakes; it’s what humans do.
My Healthy Adult Self is intelligent, thoughtful and self-aware. This is ALL true. I am grateful for the life map and seeing evidence of the positive, joyous and happy memories and making meaning from those. I look forward to championing my future self. I know the only way through all this is to be vulnerable so I can be open for the changes within. Thank you for willing me on.
‘Little Amanda thought it was her job to take care of everyone else, but in fact, it wasn’t Little Amanda’s job’.
YES! What a gift to offer that healthy, adult reassurance to Little Amanda. And I also see you making the important link from those early coping mechanisms and your attempts to create safety for yourself in current work contexts.
SO good Amanda! Bravo 🙂