Module 4
CHANGING YOUR SELF-DOUBT STORY
Changing Your Self-Doubt Story
introduction
This module is designed to help you intentionally untangling from protective beliefs. There are two main tools for you to play with in this module that you are likely to come back to again and again:
- Meaning Making Map
- Belief Buster
The Meaning-Making Map is perfect for looking back at past experiences - perhaps memories that came up on your Life Map, or moments that feel unresolved for you. The idea here is to expand your perspective - to see what else could be true? - as you consider the stories that your protector is keeping alive and feeling relevant.
And I am really excited to be introducing the Belief Buster to you. This is one of my favourite tools for self-coaching - it's something you can use all the time. The video is one of the longest, and the first 15 mins are me taking you through the process, I also use a couple of examples to bring this to life.
Please note there are extra templates at the back of your Self-belief School Playbook to play with this week's lessons. Please do share your learnings, ponderings, and thoughts in the Discussion below.
Self-belief Schoolers
The discussion forum is where you can ask questions, share your thoughts, learnings, confusion and breakthroughs about this Module.
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Module Four
Good morning-
Just want to reach out to affirm that this is really hard, rich, fun, challenging, scary, grief filled, entertaining, revealing – really all the things- work for me. Feeling grateful that I have this community of colearners and coteachers for a full year and overwhelmed and very hopeful even as the stickier and sticker layers present themselves. Sending out a Hell Yes to myself, my child me and everyone here. And listening to Maren Morris’s “My Church” really loud with the car windows rolled all the way down (even at the stoplights!!). xxx
Mary
Hello-
Just noticing how my Protector (s) can find negative meaning in even an overall positive experience. I was trying to find a positive memory to work with for the Meaning Making Exercise. I was struggling because even my most positive memories appear to be tainted with spectres of impending disaster. I don’t think of myself as an Eeyore like character yet… I see that finding the negative in the positive memory is trying to protect me from changing my story about myself, feeling too much, being too much, risking myself too brazenly thus potentially revealing myself and being judged as less than. Negative stories parading as Truth have more validity as “evidence” than positive meaning making to my brain. This program is inviting me to re-interpret all the old myths on which I’ve staked my world view. As I write this, a Protector is whispering in my ear oh no you don’t, that’s too hard and complex, you don’t have the stick-to-it-iveness to accomplish that, this program isn’t really going to help so give up now, you don’t really have the intestinal fortitude for this deep dive so let’s just do some laundry, scrolling, solitaire or recreational eating.
Instead I will post this and then go outside to enjoy my backyard and its creatures. xxx
I can relate to positive feelings being tainted with “specters of impending disaster” too. Like a good feeling is never totally a good feeling, it also contains fear or worry.
Have you ever heard Brene Brown talk about “Foreboding Joy?” An example is, “Have you ever looked at your children and felt so much love and suddenly a wave of fear and a prayer of ‘Please let them be safe,’ [takes hold]? She says joy become foreboding when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability. This thought is so deep, I don’t even know how to begin to unfurl it. I suspect moving beyond it has to do with my protector being able to back off eventually.
Any how, I have nothing figured out and have not yet surmounted this hurdle of foreboding joy. Maybe it is something that strikes you or maybe not. Just wanted to reach out and say that you aren’t alone in this particular tangle Mary. Thank you for sharing here and being vulnerable. 🙂
I love this observation Lavet.
I’ve come to see ‘foreboding joy’ as a form of resistance from the Protector – it can feel really risky to experience joy.
Something that can help is reassuring yourself ‘it’s safe for me to feel this’ – especially knowing that all emotions pass through in a few moments – even the really good ones!
You might like to experiment with allowing yourself to pause and rest in the safety of a few moments of joy. Let me know how this lands 🙂
This is such a rich observation of your own meaning-making Mary. We can’t change anything if we aren’t aware of it. So if you can meet these realisations with a sense of welcome, that might support you 🙂
Back to your observations – I want to invite you to let go of notions of positive and negative. Instead, get into the habit of asking yourself: ‘what else could be true?’ So you are looking to expand our meaning-making.
Sometimes that doesn’t mean finding a positive. It can mean looking at the wider context of why another person might have said that hurtful thing, or seeing that there may have been other things at play that had nothing to do with us. It means our feelings about what happened remain valid, and you can add other emotions in.
Letting go of the positive and negative also means we don’t give our Protector something it needs to defend. It might be that this is what you are experiencing – as your Protector might be thinking it’s too risky for you to see a ‘positive’ so it’s offering up resistance.
Does that help you, Mary?
Hello,
I just wanted to leave my first comment and say hi, and get over the initial fear of posting!
I am *finally* throwing myself into the learning and really enjoying it. I think about it everyday.
In last week’s coaching circle, I promised to experiment with letting go of control. I am always switched on with work and will check my messages even at 11pm which makes me feel anxious.
The fear is I’ll miss something important and be letting someone down.
I failed on the first night! I reached for my phone and there was a message from a customer complaining they couldn’t get access to my website portal. The issue is totally out of my hands but gave me all the anxieties.
Oddly though, rather than using it as an affirmation that my fears are true. I laughed about the fact that this NEVER happens and yet the day I promise myself I am not going to check my phone, I receive my fear! The universe works in strange ways.
Since that night, I haven’t checked my phone. And even though it’s killing me with the temptation, I am trying to find new routines in the evening to distract myself (i.e. just go to bed!).
Looking forward to seeing everyone this evening 🙂
Helen, it’s so good to see you here! Bravo for throwing yourself in and for posting. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone tonight too.
I love your experiment. And yes how brilliant that the universe is conspiring to support you in letting go of control 🙂
I am curious to know how you are feeling now about missing something important, or letting someone down? Are you noticing any shifts?
I just went through the Belief Buster and I would love some feedback. My situation is a very current one. For the Protective Belief:
- Situation: I did not discuss my new offer with anyone (I had planned to discuss with 5 colleagues).
- Protective belief: I lack commitment, drive and courage
- Emotion: Disappointed in myself
- Behaviours: Avoid looking at my plan/doing my weekly review/reporting to my accountability partner, do other tasks during the time allotted to contact colleagues, listen to podcasts related to my new offer
- Outcome: Not moving forward on this project
- Risk: Failure, disappointment, judgement
I thought the protective belief was not really that, it was just a thought that comes up when I do this. I think a protective belief would be more like “Failure must be avoided”.
For the Helpful Belief:
- Situation: Plan to discuss my new offer
- Desired Emotion: Enthusiastic
- Possible Behaviour: Talk about my offer with lots of people
- Likely outcome: I would get useful information about my offer as I spoke about it from myself and others and be able to make tweaks, I would create accountability for bringing it to life by telling people it was coming up
- Helpful Belief: I love connecting with people (true!), The first iteration of this offer is a prototype/just the beginning (also true), action creates clarity (I threw this one in there because I have proved it to myself many times in the past so I know it’s true…unfortunately it hasn’t got my butt into gear this time though).
- First doable step: Discuss my offer with one new or current client who could benefit
I see that my planned step (discussing with colleagues) I avoided partly due to a fear of judgement. I do not have this fear with my clients, they might not be interested but I won’t feel judged so I think this is more doable and in line with my helpful belief that the first iteration is a prototype.
This is great Nasreen! It’s so good to see this laid out 🙂
I think you’ve cracked the Protective Belief (you could do this again with the clarified belief that ‘failure must be avoided’ if that would help you).
If I take a step back and look at the wider context of your situation here, it strikes me that the key thing is to be clear with yourself about what feedback you want, and why.
This will give you a steer as to who you approach, how you position this, what you ask them and what you make that feedback mean.
Something that might help you is to clarify the Situation in both PB and HB to: ‘discuss my new idea/prototype‘.
Because it doesn’t sound like this is an offer yet – it’s still in the idea/prototype phase. This means it’s a tender, vulnerable thing right now – a little green shoot of possibility. It’s absolutely natural to want to protect your idea (and yourself).
And this is the best time to get trusted and specific feedback so that when it does become an offer, the kinks are worked out. This also means that ‘failure’ could actually be ideal right now – this is the best stage to play with possibility and make changes, work out those kinks.
Does that make sense?
I’d love you to get to a helpful belief that is one sentence – something you can actively practice.
I wonder if: ‘it’s safe for me to share this first iteration with my trusted advisors works for you? Or: ‘getting trusted feedback on this first iteration is so helpful‘. So even if the feedback is critical – it can still be helpful.
I love your first doable step – is there a specific person that you know would give you the feedback that would be help to you?
Great work Nasreen!
Thanks Sas. I have been thinking about this offer for some time and it has already gone through several iterations in my head, so I really want to actually put something out there as an offer and try it out. So while it is a prototype in the sense that I haven’t done it before, I am super keen to move on from the thinking/learning/planning phase to the doing, because I really think that I need to experiment in real time. I want feedback on the actual program, from actual clients. My aim with discussing with colleagues was to see if they had anyone in mind that could be a fit for the program, not to get feedback on the idea. This is not something that any of them have experience in and it wouldn’t even be on their radar so I don’t think their feedback on the idea would be particularly useful. To make a sweeping generalisation, Italians are pretty conservative and risk-averse and even my own husband (who is somewhat of a black sheep risk-taker) has not supported my business ideas that have gone on to be successes. So the trusted advisor belief doesn’t ring true – what trusted advisor?
Thinking about my courage-based goal of getting 5 people into this first round (which requires me discussing it as per the doable step), and wanting to be enthusiastic about sharing it, could my helpful belief be something like “this offer is a viable solution/viable alternative”?
Whenever I have been at this point in whatever iteration of my offer, the universe has presented an ideal client to me that could really benefit from it, only it doesn’t exist yet so I’ve never discussed it…but it’s like confirmation that this is needed. True to form, someone called me Friday who sounds like a great fit. So I have an opportunity on Wednesday to discuss it with her.
Ah thanks so much for clarifying. So this is about introducing your offer to potential clients – got it 🙂 And I love that you already have a potential client to chat with. What a great first step.
Yes ‘this offer is a viable solution‘ is deffo on the right track!
Big questions are: do you believe this Helpful Belief, and does it help you feel your desired emotion of enthusiasm?
So just to share how I use this process – whenever I am getting ready to share a new offer for the first time, I spend time writing down all the things I love about my offer: How this helps people, who it’s perfect for, the aspects of the programme I am excited to share, and why I would totally buy it! I get sold on my own work (I believe in it first).
This list helps me find a few really supportive helpful beliefs that I can keep practising as I go through the process of sharing it with potential clients.
Does that sound like something that might be fun to do?
These are great!
Notice how they raise your emotions and feel better in your body. What can you do and say from that emotional state?
I’m wondering if you are starting to see that you can totally decide to change your belief and this has a really positive cascade to create the outcome you want.
I read everyone’s comments and definitely feeling I’m in the right place.
My revelation in my therapy appt this week is really helping me – that the burdens I’ve carried have had nothing to do with me. They belonged to someone else – no matter the person. I made other people’s burdens – my father’s – and the men that followed my burden – my “what’s wrong with me” and how can I control/fix this situation. And as I go through these exercises, I see how carrying these burdens that didn’t/don’t even belong to me have weighed me down. I created these protective beliefs such as being a perfectionist in which I ended up judging myself to prevent no one able to make unkind judgements about me. It’s been quite a revelation and has given these exercises a new spin. The old story keeps wanting to keep me small or make me feel less than. The self-doubt is habitually poking its puke green head up as I do this work and I just push it back down again. It’s a huge relief to realize these bad situations were a result of other people’s actions and this story/coping mechanism that I had to take it on and be responsible to fix it.
I’m sharing these three exercises for feedback/accountability on meaning making to make sure I’m on the right track. This territory feels so unfamiliar to me (despite years of therapy) and having the support is huge. I’m also sharing to see what other patterns emerge; this happened from my last post.
Making Meaning #1
My memory: Hiding Dad’s jug red wine in the basement in a dark closet so he wouldn’t drink that night and stop drinking for good and be with our family and then what transpired in the moments that followed.
What I remember thinking at the time: Dad will stop drinking and we’ll have a normal family. We will be a happy and normal family. Dad will spend his Saturday evenings with Mom, my sister and me. Dad won’t isolate to his den where he drinks, works and watches the history channel. Dad will want to be with us if he stops drinking.
What I remember feeling at the time:
Happy. Hopeful.
Nervous.
Angry. Hurt. Disappointed.
What I Made this Mean at the Time: I can’t fix our family. I can’t make Dad stop. Mom won’t back me up with my plan to get Dad to stop. Saving money is more important than stopping Dad from drinking.
What other meanings I can see now, might also be true: Dad was an alcoholic and he needed to be honest with himself about his drinking problem. I wasn’t responsible for the way my parents dealt with Dad’s drinking. I created coping mechanisms to deal with this horrible situation. – like being capable of fixing this problem. I wasn’t responsible for this family dynamic.
Making Meaning #2
My memory: David Bennett, a work associate (customer) and outdoors friend I knew and admired said to me once with a lot of people around but not necessarily able to hear: “your eyes are so sad. You’re always saying things about yourself to put yourself down.”
What I remember thinking at the time: I remember feeling exposed/found out. I remember wishing I could disappear or become invisible. I couldn’t speak and/or figure out how to react respond.
What I remember feeling at the time: confusion. anger. hurt. scared/fear. Sadness, like the holding back my tears kind. something like betrayal, maybe betrayal toward myself in inability to hide the emotions I felt.
What other meanings I can see now, might also be true: As a young adult I was in a lot of emotional pain. I didn’t have any tools to manage understanding my upbringing and why I had the feelings/responses and reactions that I did. David Bennett was being caring, showing kindness toward me, heart-centered and I was unfamiliar with what that meant (without strings attached). I believe David was being kind, being a friend because that’s how people can show their support and/or kindness.
Making Meaning #3: Positive
My memory: Opening my email to seeing a message from Carol Robb (Scottish artist) that I’ve been awarded a scholarship to Rome Art Program (2021) for one month of drawing and painting in Rome with international teachers/professors that a mutual friend Judy (another artist & writer) Lavender nominated me for – without telling me.
What I remember thinking at the time: Oh my God! This is my chance to get that art education I always wanted — and in Rome, Italy! I have the free time (no job) and money to commit now. I didn’t even apply! I am good enough! (while I felt some doubt and took a couple days to accept the scholarship, I knew that if I didn’t do this, I would have HUGE regret and I wasn’t willing to miss out).
What I remember feeling at the time: Surprised. Happy/Joy. Ecstatic/Exhilerated. Loved/Supported by Judy. Gratitude.
What other meanings I can see now, might also be true: I can be accepted to further art education opportunities. I can win scholarships, art residencies when I promote myself in a fun manner not actually going for these awards. People who support me come to me in that spirit of joy and happiness/gratitude. I can attract good results that elevate my art standing, just by painting and sharing my work and what I love (passion for art, painting and the release that happens when I paint.
Amanda, these are such a joy to read! You’ve done a great job of expanding the meanings of these memories. And that’s the point of this exercise – to add in more possibility and complexity and perspective – to see you have lots of choices about how you can interpret events that activate self-doubt.
Doing this helps us to challenge unhelpful beliefs that can feel ‘true’ and that there is only one way to see things. It means that while we can’t change the past, we can change how we interpret our memories of the past. This can be incredibly healing as new meanings release us from the grip of those unhelpful beliefs.
And as you have shown in your third example – you can do this for really good memories to expand the sense of possibility. I LOVE that you got to experience Rome as an artist!
I wonder how it feels to you to have these expanding meanings? What are you noticing about your relationship with your self-doubt?
Hi Sas. It’s funny when you ask a question, it’s like I have to ponder over the meaning overnight before I can figure out what a response is that I can understand!
Having these expanded meanings gives me a choice I didn’t think I had. With the self-doubt/protective belief calling the shots, I thought this was just the way it was and “other people” have the things or make the goals they want but for me I hadn’t found that secret sauce, while always pursuing.
Yes, and as I see these expanded meanings, when my email is quiet (i.e., haven’t received request for interview), I can think – this is a big holiday for summer kickoff with the Memorial Day weekend. The hiring managers are off this week. Or, they’re further through the hiring process. Still though I see the good is applying because it gets my CV under their noses for future opportunities. The expanded meanings give me possibility/opportunity, another way to frame what’s happening.
Glad you enjoy reading my responses because I am a writer, as in novelist (that’s true)! Even with posting, the self-doubt was kicking in! (She’s going to get tired of these long posts; what if I’m way off base. Then there’s another story that could be true…
And I was feeling really resistent to doing these exercises, like BIG FEAR coming up, that – I could do this correctly, that this could work for me … and it does make a lot of sense once going through the exercises. I can see consistency is going to be the driver here.
Yes, seeing that you have the choice is key—to me, this is liberation from the tyranny of ‘thin’ self-doubt-driven stories.
I’m thrilled you are experiencing the benefits of expanding the meanings. And I appreciate you sharing the resistance, too – notice the resistance, worry, and fear can all still be there, AND you can practice this.
Great work!
With the belief buster tool, the challenge I’m having is with outcome, likely outcome and sometimes first doable step. I’ll provide my responses. Please let me know what needs tweaking. And, I realized I started with super crunchy, just thinking I need to conquer the worst first, while later seeing the upside of something a little less so….
Belief Buster: Protective Belief #1
Situation: Dad wouldn’t let me go to Carnegie Mellon for the painting course the following year (age 17-18). Protective Belief: I’m not good enough. Emotion: Shame. Behaviors: (present day); I’m somewhat rigid when it comes to “playing” when I make art/paintings. I tell myself I should be responsible (job search) instead of paint. Outcome: I didn’t allow myself to paint (within the last year). I stopped painting for several months. I punished myself after not figuring out how to make a business of it. I prevented myself from painting even if I had an idea to do it. Outcome at the time of this situation at 16/17: after being told my art could only be a hobby, after college, I pretty much stopped painting until age 49 b/c I felt such shame of not being good enough. Risk: Protection from rejection
—> I think my outcome isn’t working because I see it both ways at the time and
within the last year and as 16/17 years old, while the two feel related.
Belief Buster: Helpful Belief
Situation: Dad wouldn’t let me go to Carnegie Mellon for the painting course the
following year (age 17-18). Helpful Belief: Dad didn’t want me to be artist because he
said I wouldn’t be able to support myself. Desired Emotion: I want to believe I am good
enough. I want to feel confident, proud accepted. Possible Behavior: To take risks with
my painting. To let people see me as a brave artist. Promote myself on IG, Pinterest. To
say I have value as an artist. Likely Outcome: I would believe in myself. That people
would see my paintings and want to buy them, to pay money for my output, my
products. That what I paint stirs something in them, enough that they want it in their
homes/personal spaces. First Doable Step: Post my paintings on IG 3x a week.
Belief Buster: Protective Belief #2
Situation: I am job searching and potentially shifting my career. Protective Belief: The changes in my experience in the last 3 years make me feel like I look bad compared to other candidates. Emotion: Shame. Behaviors: Procrastinate/Avoidance – not apply to jobs. Feel imposter syndrome (despite 20 years of experience), Feel uncertainty that another sales job will work out after 2 sales jobs involved manipulating customers and I refused to behave this way (and was terminated in both situations). I express self-doubt in interviews and don’t get an offer and/or to the next round. Outcome: I get less call for interviews. I get passed on for other candidates per the rejection letter; Company states: “we were fortunate to get a high volume of candidates and decided to go with those who align more directly…”. Risk: Protection from rejection and failure to get interviews or next rounds of interviews/offers from what I did apply to.
Belief Buster: Helpful Belief
Situation: I am job searching. Helpful Belief: I am looking for sustainable work I can
like/that resonates with my value system. Desired Emotion: curiosity, calm
Possible Behavior: Apply to more relevant jobs using my talents/skillset. Feel more
optimistic and positive. Likely Outcome: I will get more job interviews and have more
practice. I will advance to additional rounds. I will build my confidence in speaking
authentically. First Doable Step: Make a list of jobs I could see myself doing and
search them on Indeed. Look at local jobs selling solar panels. Fundraising at a
national level – like national funding organizations like American Heart Association with
an assigned territory where I work remotely and travel; Fundraising jobs working for
universities, Academic library jobs where tenure isn’t a requirement. (These are options vs. one doable step. I have trouble narrowing it down to One doable step.)
Belief Buster: Protective Belief #3
Situation: I setup Cobra for my health insurance (this is when you continue health insurance for your old job when you lose your job and it’s known for being very expensive $500+/month, particularly expensive as your income ends). Protective Belief: I’m going to run out of money waiting to get a new job. Emotion: Shame. Behaviors: Avoidance. I feel scarcity. I feel anger being in this situation. I shame myself. I feel not good enough. I used to be referred and now there is huge competition and I feel humiliated and frustrated. Outcome: I’m not applying to relevant work. Feeling uncertaintly: I’m not sure I want to be in this field anymore. I’m not getting the job offers I believe I want. I’m applying to jobs that don’t necessarily have health insurance because of temporary/part-time nature but it is money. Other people get interviews and jobs because I didn’t apply. I feel worse about myself. Risk Rejection. Failure.
Belief Buster: Helpful Belief
Situation: I setup Cobra for my health insurance. Helpful Belief: I am protecting myself by continuing to have really good health insurance. I am worthy of having good health insurance. Desired Emotion: thankful, calm. Grateful that I can pay for this right now and have this option of good healthcare insurance. Possible Behavior: I can focus on the goals I want to accomplish with job searching. I can setup an appt with a podiatrist with a health issue I’ve been having. I can feel rest-assured that my past health costs are covered for this month. Likely Outcome: I can focus on finding jobs that are right for my experience and skills. I can lean into curiosity about jobs matching my experience – not just the kind of jobs I’ve always done (whether I like the work or not in the academic publishing Field, where competition and pressure are high and not as satisfying now that the buying market is experiencing financial scarcity). First Doable Step: I review my job list and apply to what resonates for my experiences but also what my heart says yes to through intuition, — Asking myself – do I want to apply to this because I am feeling fear or love toward myself?
— With some of my answers to questions, I wonder if I am jumping ahead or having too many responses for one question? I see how the helpful belief changes the mindset and gives me options. I just feel a little stuck in gaining clarity for all parts of the process.
I believe it also comes down to learning to trust myself and having my own back, not just doing what “society expects is the right choice” (what does society know about what’s right for me!! Only I have those answers…)
Ps. Hearing during the courage based goals coaching call, what society thinks is the right answer are all lies … Not sure if my phrasing is right – well, that was just a huge relief and confirming as well to what I already thought. What I’ve been learning is being selective with whom I share my current journey and choices I’m making.
Hey Amanda, there is a lot here, so I wanted to ensure I had the time to respond—that’s taken a few days!
This is one of the tools that can take some patience and practice to feel at home with. In your notes at the bottom, I can see your thinking as you work through these. Yes, I can see you wanting to jump ahead and move past the Protective Beliefs—that is completely understandable.
I’ve set up a Belief Buster session for SBS folks where we will go through this process together (June 13th). Hopefully, you can make it or watch the recording.
Let’s go through one of these on paper now and I’ve put notes in itallics):
Situation: I am job searching (lovely clear factual situation – great work!)
Protective Belief: The changes in my experience in the last three years make me feel like I look bad compared to other candidates.
(The PB is how you interpret the Situation—we want this to be something simple we can hold. Sometimes, it can be helpful to write down everything you are thinking and then sum it up. I wonder if this feels more like ‘I am not as experienced/qualified as other candidates’.)
Emotion: Shame.
(if we simplify the PB does this change the Emotion for you? Notice that you have added in a lot of feelings into Behaviour – eg: imposter syndrome, which often feels like fraudulence and uncertainty)
Behaviour: Procrastinate/Avoidance – not apply to jobs. Feel imposter syndrome (despite 20 years of experience), Feel uncertainty that another sales job will work out after 2 sales jobs involved manipulating customers and I refused to behave this way (and was terminated in both situations). I express self-doubt in interviews and don’t get an offer and/or to the next round.
(The Behaviour reflects the Emotion – so it makes total sense that if you are feeling shame or fraudulence or uncertain you would avoid applying to jobs! Get really specific here – the Behaviour box is often the biggest – what do you do instead of applying to jobs? How do you procrastinate?)
Outcome: I get less call for interviews. I get passed on for other candidates per the rejection letter; Company states: “we were fortunate to get a high volume of candidates and decided to go with those who align more directly…”.
(The purpose of stating this is to see the result of how you are interpreting the Situation. So your Outcome makes total sense right? We can trace this back up through the process to the Belief – eg: if you believe ‘I am not as experienced/qualified as other candidates’ then it makes sense you get less calls for interviews.)
Risk: Protection from rejection and failure to get interviews or next rounds of interviews/offers from what I did apply to. (Yes this tracks beautifully! You have a very coherent belief here Amanda. What I want you to notice is that you are already experiencing this risk – do you see that?)
So let’s see if we can find a more Helpful Belief!
We start with the exact same Situation but we come to the HB last:
Situation: I am job searching
Desired Emotion: How do you want to feel about job searching? The only rule here is that it must be an emotion you can access right now – not an aspirational emotion. So you started with shame / fraudulence / uncertainty – what’s something more helpful than this? Curiosity and calm may still be true!
Possible Behaviours: What feels possible for you to do from your Desired Emotion?
Share these and then we’ll take it from there!
Sas, I’m reviewing your answers again. What I’m coming up with is resistence to do this work! I know I’ve got to give myself patience in working through this and a bit of compassion, too. I keep re-reading what you’ve provided and what I keep getting in response is wanting to avoid confronting it! – which is not helpful! I will make it my goal to complete this today before an evening zoom call (who happens to live in Auckland). Thank you for being patient with me!
Sas, I finally sat down and took the bull by the horns … this is what I came up with:
Belief Buster: Protective Belief
- Situation
I am job searching
2. Protective Belief
I am feeling less than other candidates because I took time to explore other passions.
3. Emotion
Fraudulence, uncertainty
4. Behavior
I avoid sending out applications.
Take the day to go hiking an hour away which ends up leaving no energy to apply for jobs when I return – telling myself I’ll do it later, but ends up being not at all.
I make arrangements to see a friend in a similar job situation and thus am not home to job search.
I should myself and have low vibration energy and thus decide not to job search at all and just look for something else – anything else – to do.
I tell myself I need to change my energy so I go to the mountains which also gets me out of the house for several hours and leaves me too tired to try to find other work.
5. Outcome
Companies/universities don’t call me for interviews because I haven’t applied. I get less requests for interviews.
6. Risk
Protection from rejection; failure to get interviews or next rounds of interviews/offers from what I did apply to.
Belief Buster: Helpful Belief
1.Situation:
I am job searching.
2. Helpful Belief
If I focus on apply to jobs that I feel curious about, then I will remain calm while I’m job searching. If I feel better about what I’m doing, I’ll attract more positive results.
3. Desired Emotion:
‘
Curiosity, Interested, Calm
4. Possible Behavior
Apply to all the jobs that look interesting/intriguing.
Review all jobs related to international recruiting, major gift officer, Arts Librarian, Electronic Resources Librarian, Fundraising at a national/international level included a large territory while working remotely; add these to my job search list after applying to what’s already on list to make deadlines in time.
Review job boards – Jack Farrell & Associates, ERIL, library job boards, Philanthropy Job Board, American Association of University Press jobs.
5. Likely Outcome
I’ll receive more requests for interviews and advance to additional interview rounds
6. First Doable Step
Sit in front of the computer and adjust appropriate resumes/CV: corporate or academic – and apply while adjusting appropriate cover letters.
Sas – definitely interested in your feedback. I was following the numbers in order of the playbook. Per your notes and the video, I think the order is not what’s in the book. So it sounds like the Helpful Belief is actually the last step. Right?
Hey Amanda – thats right the last step is the Helpful Belief.
The idea is that with the Helpful Belief, we look at how we want to feel about the Situation.
Then what feels possible to do, as a result of how we feel – this is what gives us a different outcome.
Once you have the new Emotion, Behaviour and Outcome – you come up with a more Helpful Belief.
The most important thing is that the Helpful Belief is something you already believe!
What I notice about your Helpful Belief is that its describing a lot of things. Its also contingent on something else (if, then).
Something I recommend is to start your Helpful Belief with phrases like: ‘Its safe for me to….’ Or, ‘I wonder….’
Looking at your Situation, you might find these beliefs helpful:
Its safe for me to apply to jobs I am curious about.
Its safe for me to trust that my various passions make me an appealing candidate.
I wonder where the breadth of my experiences will lead me next?
Just notice what already feels true to you – feel free to tweak these to your hearts content!
Remember – what we are doing with the Protective Belief is just slowing down so we can see the impact in response to the Situation.
And the Helpful Belief gives us choices about how to interpret the Situation.
You get to see that there is more than one ‘truth’ at the same time – and you can choose the more Helpful Belief 🙂
How does this land for you Amanda?
Good morning-
Just want to reach out to affirm that this is really hard, rich, fun, challenging, scary, grief filled, entertaining, revealing – really all the things- work for me. Feeling grateful that I have this community of colearners and coteachers for a full year and overwhelmed and very hopeful even as the stickier and sticker layers present themselves. Sending out a Hell Yes to myself, my child me and everyone here. And listening to Maren Morris’s “My Church” really loud with the car windows rolled all the way down (even at the stoplights!!). xxx
Mary
I see you in the soup of it Mary and I am sending the highest of fives! Your willingness to be with your self-doubt is a beautiful, courageous, inspiring act.
And I’ve found this first time through is the stickiest. Don’t doubt you are building resources as you go!
Hello-
Just noticing how my Protector (s) can find negative meaning in even an overall positive experience. I was trying to find a positive memory to work with for the Meaning Making Exercise. I was struggling because even my most positive memories appear to be tainted with spectres of impending disaster. I don’t think of myself as an Eeyore like character yet… I see that finding the negative in the positive memory is trying to protect me from changing my story about myself, feeling too much, being too much, risking myself too brazenly thus potentially revealing myself and being judged as less than. Negative stories parading as Truth have more validity as “evidence” than positive meaning making to my brain. This program is inviting me to re-interpret all the old myths on which I’ve staked my world view. As I write this, a Protector is whispering in my ear oh no you don’t, that’s too hard and complex, you don’t have the stick-to-it-iveness to accomplish that, this program isn’t really going to help so give up now, you don’t really have the intestinal fortitude for this deep dive so let’s just do some laundry, scrolling, solitaire or recreational eating.
Instead I will post this and then go outside to enjoy my backyard and its creatures. xxx
I can relate to positive feelings being tainted with “specters of impending disaster” too. Like a good feeling is never totally a good feeling, it also contains fear or worry.
Have you ever heard Brene Brown talk about “Foreboding Joy?” An example is, “Have you ever looked at your children and felt so much love and suddenly a wave of fear and a prayer of ‘Please let them be safe,’ [takes hold]? She says joy become foreboding when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability. This thought is so deep, I don’t even know how to begin to unfurl it. I suspect moving beyond it has to do with my protector being able to back off eventually.
Any how, I have nothing figured out and have not yet surmounted this hurdle of foreboding joy. Maybe it is something that strikes you or maybe not. Just wanted to reach out and say that you aren’t alone in this particular tangle Mary. Thank you for sharing here and being vulnerable. 🙂
Thank you Lavet for your kind and compassionate and thoughtful response. It is reassuring to know I’m in good company ❤️
I love this observation Lavet.
I’ve come to see ‘foreboding joy’ as a form of resistance from the Protector – it can feel really risky to experience joy.
Something that can help is reassuring yourself ‘it’s safe for me to feel this’ – especially knowing that all emotions pass through in a few moments – even the really good ones!
You might like to experiment with allowing yourself to pause and rest in the safety of a few moments of joy. Let me know how this lands 🙂
This is such a rich observation of your own meaning-making Mary. We can’t change anything if we aren’t aware of it. So if you can meet these realisations with a sense of welcome, that might support you 🙂
Back to your observations – I want to invite you to let go of notions of positive and negative. Instead, get into the habit of asking yourself: ‘what else could be true?’ So you are looking to expand our meaning-making.
Sometimes that doesn’t mean finding a positive. It can mean looking at the wider context of why another person might have said that hurtful thing, or seeing that there may have been other things at play that had nothing to do with us. It means our feelings about what happened remain valid, and you can add other emotions in.
Letting go of the positive and negative also means we don’t give our Protector something it needs to defend. It might be that this is what you are experiencing – as your Protector might be thinking it’s too risky for you to see a ‘positive’ so it’s offering up resistance.
Does that help you, Mary?
Hello,
I just wanted to leave my first comment and say hi, and get over the initial fear of posting!
I am *finally* throwing myself into the learning and really enjoying it. I think about it everyday.
In last week’s coaching circle, I promised to experiment with letting go of control. I am always switched on with work and will check my messages even at 11pm which makes me feel anxious.
The fear is I’ll miss something important and be letting someone down.
I failed on the first night! I reached for my phone and there was a message from a customer complaining they couldn’t get access to my website portal. The issue is totally out of my hands but gave me all the anxieties.
Oddly though, rather than using it as an affirmation that my fears are true. I laughed about the fact that this NEVER happens and yet the day I promise myself I am not going to check my phone, I receive my fear! The universe works in strange ways.
Since that night, I haven’t checked my phone. And even though it’s killing me with the temptation, I am trying to find new routines in the evening to distract myself (i.e. just go to bed!).
Looking forward to seeing everyone this evening 🙂
Helen, it’s so good to see you here! Bravo for throwing yourself in and for posting. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone tonight too.
I love your experiment. And yes how brilliant that the universe is conspiring to support you in letting go of control 🙂
I am curious to know how you are feeling now about missing something important, or letting someone down? Are you noticing any shifts?
I just went through the Belief Buster and I would love some feedback. My situation is a very current one. For the Protective Belief:
I thought the protective belief was not really that, it was just a thought that comes up when I do this. I think a protective belief would be more like “Failure must be avoided”.
For the Helpful Belief:
I see that my planned step (discussing with colleagues) I avoided partly due to a fear of judgement. I do not have this fear with my clients, they might not be interested but I won’t feel judged so I think this is more doable and in line with my helpful belief that the first iteration is a prototype.
This is great Nasreen! It’s so good to see this laid out 🙂
I think you’ve cracked the Protective Belief (you could do this again with the clarified belief that ‘failure must be avoided’ if that would help you).
If I take a step back and look at the wider context of your situation here, it strikes me that the key thing is to be clear with yourself about what feedback you want, and why.
This will give you a steer as to who you approach, how you position this, what you ask them and what you make that feedback mean.
Something that might help you is to clarify the Situation in both PB and HB to: ‘discuss my new idea/prototype‘.
Because it doesn’t sound like this is an offer yet – it’s still in the idea/prototype phase. This means it’s a tender, vulnerable thing right now – a little green shoot of possibility. It’s absolutely natural to want to protect your idea (and yourself).
And this is the best time to get trusted and specific feedback so that when it does become an offer, the kinks are worked out. This also means that ‘failure’ could actually be ideal right now – this is the best stage to play with possibility and make changes, work out those kinks.
Does that make sense?
I’d love you to get to a helpful belief that is one sentence – something you can actively practice.
I wonder if: ‘it’s safe for me to share this first iteration with my trusted advisors works for you? Or: ‘getting trusted feedback on this first iteration is so helpful‘. So even if the feedback is critical – it can still be helpful.
I love your first doable step – is there a specific person that you know would give you the feedback that would be help to you?
Great work Nasreen!
Thanks Sas. I have been thinking about this offer for some time and it has already gone through several iterations in my head, so I really want to actually put something out there as an offer and try it out. So while it is a prototype in the sense that I haven’t done it before, I am super keen to move on from the thinking/learning/planning phase to the doing, because I really think that I need to experiment in real time. I want feedback on the actual program, from actual clients. My aim with discussing with colleagues was to see if they had anyone in mind that could be a fit for the program, not to get feedback on the idea. This is not something that any of them have experience in and it wouldn’t even be on their radar so I don’t think their feedback on the idea would be particularly useful. To make a sweeping generalisation, Italians are pretty conservative and risk-averse and even my own husband (who is somewhat of a black sheep risk-taker) has not supported my business ideas that have gone on to be successes. So the trusted advisor belief doesn’t ring true – what trusted advisor?
Thinking about my courage-based goal of getting 5 people into this first round (which requires me discussing it as per the doable step), and wanting to be enthusiastic about sharing it, could my helpful belief be something like “this offer is a viable solution/viable alternative”?
Whenever I have been at this point in whatever iteration of my offer, the universe has presented an ideal client to me that could really benefit from it, only it doesn’t exist yet so I’ve never discussed it…but it’s like confirmation that this is needed. True to form, someone called me Friday who sounds like a great fit. So I have an opportunity on Wednesday to discuss it with her.
Ah thanks so much for clarifying. So this is about introducing your offer to potential clients – got it 🙂 And I love that you already have a potential client to chat with. What a great first step.
Yes ‘this offer is a viable solution‘ is deffo on the right track!
Big questions are: do you believe this Helpful Belief, and does it help you feel your desired emotion of enthusiasm?
So just to share how I use this process – whenever I am getting ready to share a new offer for the first time, I spend time writing down all the things I love about my offer: How this helps people, who it’s perfect for, the aspects of the programme I am excited to share, and why I would totally buy it! I get sold on my own work (I believe in it first).
This list helps me find a few really supportive helpful beliefs that I can keep practising as I go through the process of sharing it with potential clients.
Does that sound like something that might be fun to do?
Yes I was totally thinking that my helpful belief was a bit unenthusiastic…I do believe it, but I will spend some time on your suggestion and come up with a more enthusiastic, but still believable, belief!
Fabulous 🙂 Really want to acknowledge your openness and willingness to play here Nasreen – so good to see!
Some more enthusiastic helpful beliefs for when I’m discussing with potential participants: This program is perfect for (this person), This program is going to be fun and easy.
These are great!
Notice how they raise your emotions and feel better in your body. What can you do and say from that emotional state?
I’m wondering if you are starting to see that you can totally decide to change your belief and this has a really positive cascade to create the outcome you want.
I read everyone’s comments and definitely feeling I’m in the right place.
My revelation in my therapy appt this week is really helping me – that the burdens I’ve carried have had nothing to do with me. They belonged to someone else – no matter the person. I made other people’s burdens – my father’s – and the men that followed my burden – my “what’s wrong with me” and how can I control/fix this situation. And as I go through these exercises, I see how carrying these burdens that didn’t/don’t even belong to me have weighed me down. I created these protective beliefs such as being a perfectionist in which I ended up judging myself to prevent no one able to make unkind judgements about me. It’s been quite a revelation and has given these exercises a new spin. The old story keeps wanting to keep me small or make me feel less than. The self-doubt is habitually poking its puke green head up as I do this work and I just push it back down again. It’s a huge relief to realize these bad situations were a result of other people’s actions and this story/coping mechanism that I had to take it on and be responsible to fix it.
I’m sharing these three exercises for feedback/accountability on meaning making to make sure I’m on the right track. This territory feels so unfamiliar to me (despite years of therapy) and having the support is huge. I’m also sharing to see what other patterns emerge; this happened from my last post.
Making Meaning #1
My memory: Hiding Dad’s jug red wine in the basement in a dark closet so he wouldn’t drink that night and stop drinking for good and be with our family and then what transpired in the moments that followed.
What I remember thinking at the time: Dad will stop drinking and we’ll have a normal family. We will be a happy and normal family. Dad will spend his Saturday evenings with Mom, my sister and me. Dad won’t isolate to his den where he drinks, works and watches the history channel. Dad will want to be with us if he stops drinking.
What I remember feeling at the time:
Happy. Hopeful.
Nervous.
Angry. Hurt. Disappointed.
What I Made this Mean at the Time: I can’t fix our family. I can’t make Dad stop. Mom won’t back me up with my plan to get Dad to stop. Saving money is more important than stopping Dad from drinking.
What other meanings I can see now, might also be true: Dad was an alcoholic and he needed to be honest with himself about his drinking problem. I wasn’t responsible for the way my parents dealt with Dad’s drinking. I created coping mechanisms to deal with this horrible situation. – like being capable of fixing this problem. I wasn’t responsible for this family dynamic.
Making Meaning #2
My memory: David Bennett, a work associate (customer) and outdoors friend I knew and admired said to me once with a lot of people around but not necessarily able to hear: “your eyes are so sad. You’re always saying things about yourself to put yourself down.”
What I remember thinking at the time: I remember feeling exposed/found out. I remember wishing I could disappear or become invisible. I couldn’t speak and/or figure out how to react respond.
What I remember feeling at the time: confusion. anger. hurt. scared/fear. Sadness, like the holding back my tears kind. something like betrayal, maybe betrayal toward myself in inability to hide the emotions I felt.
What other meanings I can see now, might also be true: As a young adult I was in a lot of emotional pain. I didn’t have any tools to manage understanding my upbringing and why I had the feelings/responses and reactions that I did. David Bennett was being caring, showing kindness toward me, heart-centered and I was unfamiliar with what that meant (without strings attached). I believe David was being kind, being a friend because that’s how people can show their support and/or kindness.
Making Meaning #3: Positive
My memory: Opening my email to seeing a message from Carol Robb (Scottish artist) that I’ve been awarded a scholarship to Rome Art Program (2021) for one month of drawing and painting in Rome with international teachers/professors that a mutual friend Judy (another artist & writer) Lavender nominated me for – without telling me.
What I remember thinking at the time: Oh my God! This is my chance to get that art education I always wanted — and in Rome, Italy! I have the free time (no job) and money to commit now. I didn’t even apply! I am good enough! (while I felt some doubt and took a couple days to accept the scholarship, I knew that if I didn’t do this, I would have HUGE regret and I wasn’t willing to miss out).
What I remember feeling at the time: Surprised. Happy/Joy. Ecstatic/Exhilerated. Loved/Supported by Judy. Gratitude.
What other meanings I can see now, might also be true: I can be accepted to further art education opportunities. I can win scholarships, art residencies when I promote myself in a fun manner not actually going for these awards. People who support me come to me in that spirit of joy and happiness/gratitude. I can attract good results that elevate my art standing, just by painting and sharing my work and what I love (passion for art, painting and the release that happens when I paint.
Amanda, these are such a joy to read! You’ve done a great job of expanding the meanings of these memories. And that’s the point of this exercise – to add in more possibility and complexity and perspective – to see you have lots of choices about how you can interpret events that activate self-doubt.
Doing this helps us to challenge unhelpful beliefs that can feel ‘true’ and that there is only one way to see things. It means that while we can’t change the past, we can change how we interpret our memories of the past. This can be incredibly healing as new meanings release us from the grip of those unhelpful beliefs.
And as you have shown in your third example – you can do this for really good memories to expand the sense of possibility. I LOVE that you got to experience Rome as an artist!
I wonder how it feels to you to have these expanding meanings? What are you noticing about your relationship with your self-doubt?
Hi Sas. It’s funny when you ask a question, it’s like I have to ponder over the meaning overnight before I can figure out what a response is that I can understand!
Having these expanded meanings gives me a choice I didn’t think I had. With the self-doubt/protective belief calling the shots, I thought this was just the way it was and “other people” have the things or make the goals they want but for me I hadn’t found that secret sauce, while always pursuing.
Yes, and as I see these expanded meanings, when my email is quiet (i.e., haven’t received request for interview), I can think – this is a big holiday for summer kickoff with the Memorial Day weekend. The hiring managers are off this week. Or, they’re further through the hiring process. Still though I see the good is applying because it gets my CV under their noses for future opportunities. The expanded meanings give me possibility/opportunity, another way to frame what’s happening.
Glad you enjoy reading my responses because I am a writer, as in novelist (that’s true)! Even with posting, the self-doubt was kicking in! (She’s going to get tired of these long posts; what if I’m way off base. Then there’s another story that could be true…
And I was feeling really resistent to doing these exercises, like BIG FEAR coming up, that – I could do this correctly, that this could work for me … and it does make a lot of sense once going through the exercises. I can see consistency is going to be the driver here.
Yes, seeing that you have the choice is key—to me, this is liberation from the tyranny of ‘thin’ self-doubt-driven stories.
I’m thrilled you are experiencing the benefits of expanding the meanings. And I appreciate you sharing the resistance, too – notice the resistance, worry, and fear can all still be there, AND you can practice this.
Great work!
With the belief buster tool, the challenge I’m having is with outcome, likely outcome and sometimes first doable step. I’ll provide my responses. Please let me know what needs tweaking. And, I realized I started with super crunchy, just thinking I need to conquer the worst first, while later seeing the upside of something a little less so….
Belief Buster: Protective Belief #1
Situation: Dad wouldn’t let me go to Carnegie Mellon for the painting course the following year (age 17-18). Protective Belief: I’m not good enough. Emotion: Shame. Behaviors: (present day); I’m somewhat rigid when it comes to “playing” when I make art/paintings. I tell myself I should be responsible (job search) instead of paint. Outcome: I didn’t allow myself to paint (within the last year). I stopped painting for several months. I punished myself after not figuring out how to make a business of it. I prevented myself from painting even if I had an idea to do it. Outcome at the time of this situation at 16/17: after being told my art could only be a hobby, after college, I pretty much stopped painting until age 49 b/c I felt such shame of not being good enough. Risk: Protection from rejection
—> I think my outcome isn’t working because I see it both ways at the time and
within the last year and as 16/17 years old, while the two feel related.
Belief Buster: Helpful Belief
Situation: Dad wouldn’t let me go to Carnegie Mellon for the painting course the
following year (age 17-18). Helpful Belief: Dad didn’t want me to be artist because he
said I wouldn’t be able to support myself. Desired Emotion: I want to believe I am good
enough. I want to feel confident, proud accepted. Possible Behavior: To take risks with
my painting. To let people see me as a brave artist. Promote myself on IG, Pinterest. To
say I have value as an artist. Likely Outcome: I would believe in myself. That people
would see my paintings and want to buy them, to pay money for my output, my
products. That what I paint stirs something in them, enough that they want it in their
homes/personal spaces. First Doable Step: Post my paintings on IG 3x a week.
Belief Buster: Protective Belief #2
Situation: I am job searching and potentially shifting my career. Protective Belief: The changes in my experience in the last 3 years make me feel like I look bad compared to other candidates. Emotion: Shame. Behaviors: Procrastinate/Avoidance – not apply to jobs. Feel imposter syndrome (despite 20 years of experience), Feel uncertainty that another sales job will work out after 2 sales jobs involved manipulating customers and I refused to behave this way (and was terminated in both situations). I express self-doubt in interviews and don’t get an offer and/or to the next round. Outcome: I get less call for interviews. I get passed on for other candidates per the rejection letter; Company states: “we were fortunate to get a high volume of candidates and decided to go with those who align more directly…”. Risk: Protection from rejection and failure to get interviews or next rounds of interviews/offers from what I did apply to.
Belief Buster: Helpful Belief
Situation: I am job searching. Helpful Belief: I am looking for sustainable work I can
like/that resonates with my value system. Desired Emotion: curiosity, calm
Possible Behavior: Apply to more relevant jobs using my talents/skillset. Feel more
optimistic and positive. Likely Outcome: I will get more job interviews and have more
practice. I will advance to additional rounds. I will build my confidence in speaking
authentically. First Doable Step: Make a list of jobs I could see myself doing and
search them on Indeed. Look at local jobs selling solar panels. Fundraising at a
national level – like national funding organizations like American Heart Association with
an assigned territory where I work remotely and travel; Fundraising jobs working for
universities, Academic library jobs where tenure isn’t a requirement. (These are options vs. one doable step. I have trouble narrowing it down to One doable step.)
Belief Buster: Protective Belief #3
Situation: I setup Cobra for my health insurance (this is when you continue health insurance for your old job when you lose your job and it’s known for being very expensive $500+/month, particularly expensive as your income ends). Protective Belief: I’m going to run out of money waiting to get a new job. Emotion: Shame. Behaviors: Avoidance. I feel scarcity. I feel anger being in this situation. I shame myself. I feel not good enough. I used to be referred and now there is huge competition and I feel humiliated and frustrated. Outcome: I’m not applying to relevant work. Feeling uncertaintly: I’m not sure I want to be in this field anymore. I’m not getting the job offers I believe I want. I’m applying to jobs that don’t necessarily have health insurance because of temporary/part-time nature but it is money. Other people get interviews and jobs because I didn’t apply. I feel worse about myself. Risk Rejection. Failure.
Belief Buster: Helpful Belief
Situation: I setup Cobra for my health insurance. Helpful Belief: I am protecting myself by continuing to have really good health insurance. I am worthy of having good health insurance. Desired Emotion: thankful, calm. Grateful that I can pay for this right now and have this option of good healthcare insurance. Possible Behavior: I can focus on the goals I want to accomplish with job searching. I can setup an appt with a podiatrist with a health issue I’ve been having. I can feel rest-assured that my past health costs are covered for this month. Likely Outcome: I can focus on finding jobs that are right for my experience and skills. I can lean into curiosity about jobs matching my experience – not just the kind of jobs I’ve always done (whether I like the work or not in the academic publishing Field, where competition and pressure are high and not as satisfying now that the buying market is experiencing financial scarcity). First Doable Step: I review my job list and apply to what resonates for my experiences but also what my heart says yes to through intuition, — Asking myself – do I want to apply to this because I am feeling fear or love toward myself?
— With some of my answers to questions, I wonder if I am jumping ahead or having too many responses for one question? I see how the helpful belief changes the mindset and gives me options. I just feel a little stuck in gaining clarity for all parts of the process.
I believe it also comes down to learning to trust myself and having my own back, not just doing what “society expects is the right choice” (what does society know about what’s right for me!! Only I have those answers…)
Ps. Hearing during the courage based goals coaching call, what society thinks is the right answer are all lies … Not sure if my phrasing is right – well, that was just a huge relief and confirming as well to what I already thought. What I’ve been learning is being selective with whom I share my current journey and choices I’m making.
Hey Amanda, there is a lot here, so I wanted to ensure I had the time to respond—that’s taken a few days!
This is one of the tools that can take some patience and practice to feel at home with. In your notes at the bottom, I can see your thinking as you work through these. Yes, I can see you wanting to jump ahead and move past the Protective Beliefs—that is completely understandable.
I’ve set up a Belief Buster session for SBS folks where we will go through this process together (June 13th). Hopefully, you can make it or watch the recording.
Let’s go through one of these on paper now and I’ve put notes in itallics):
Situation: I am job searching (lovely clear factual situation – great work!)
Protective Belief: The changes in my experience in the last three years make me feel like I look bad compared to other candidates.
(The PB is how you interpret the Situation—we want this to be something simple we can hold. Sometimes, it can be helpful to write down everything you are thinking and then sum it up. I wonder if this feels more like ‘I am not as experienced/qualified as other candidates’.)
Emotion: Shame.
(if we simplify the PB does this change the Emotion for you? Notice that you have added in a lot of feelings into Behaviour – eg: imposter syndrome, which often feels like fraudulence and uncertainty)
Behaviour: Procrastinate/Avoidance – not apply to jobs. Feel imposter syndrome (despite 20 years of experience), Feel uncertainty that another sales job will work out after 2 sales jobs involved manipulating customers and I refused to behave this way (and was terminated in both situations). I express self-doubt in interviews and don’t get an offer and/or to the next round.
(The Behaviour reflects the Emotion – so it makes total sense that if you are feeling shame or fraudulence or uncertain you would avoid applying to jobs! Get really specific here – the Behaviour box is often the biggest – what do you do instead of applying to jobs? How do you procrastinate?)
Outcome: I get less call for interviews. I get passed on for other candidates per the rejection letter; Company states: “we were fortunate to get a high volume of candidates and decided to go with those who align more directly…”.
(The purpose of stating this is to see the result of how you are interpreting the Situation. So your Outcome makes total sense right? We can trace this back up through the process to the Belief – eg: if you believe ‘I am not as experienced/qualified as other candidates’ then it makes sense you get less calls for interviews.)
Risk: Protection from rejection and failure to get interviews or next rounds of interviews/offers from what I did apply to. (Yes this tracks beautifully! You have a very coherent belief here Amanda. What I want you to notice is that you are already experiencing this risk – do you see that?)
So let’s see if we can find a more Helpful Belief!
We start with the exact same Situation but we come to the HB last:
Situation: I am job searching
Desired Emotion: How do you want to feel about job searching? The only rule here is that it must be an emotion you can access right now – not an aspirational emotion. So you started with shame / fraudulence / uncertainty – what’s something more helpful than this? Curiosity and calm may still be true!
Possible Behaviours: What feels possible for you to do from your Desired Emotion?
Share these and then we’ll take it from there!
Thank you, Sas. I will put some answers together tomorrow when I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. June 13th is now on my calendar! I appreciate the tip about the upcoming event.
Sas, I’m reviewing your answers again. What I’m coming up with is resistence to do this work! I know I’ve got to give myself patience in working through this and a bit of compassion, too. I keep re-reading what you’ve provided and what I keep getting in response is wanting to avoid confronting it! – which is not helpful! I will make it my goal to complete this today before an evening zoom call (who happens to live in Auckland). Thank you for being patient with me!
Sas, I finally sat down and took the bull by the horns … this is what I came up with:
Belief Buster: Protective Belief
I am job searching
2. Protective Belief
I am feeling less than other candidates because I took time to explore other passions.
3. Emotion
Fraudulence, uncertainty
4. Behavior
I avoid sending out applications.
Take the day to go hiking an hour away which ends up leaving no energy to apply for jobs when I return – telling myself I’ll do it later, but ends up being not at all.
I make arrangements to see a friend in a similar job situation and thus am not home to job search.
I should myself and have low vibration energy and thus decide not to job search at all and just look for something else – anything else – to do.
I tell myself I need to change my energy so I go to the mountains which also gets me out of the house for several hours and leaves me too tired to try to find other work.
5. Outcome
Companies/universities don’t call me for interviews because I haven’t applied. I get less requests for interviews.
6. Risk
Protection from rejection; failure to get interviews or next rounds of interviews/offers from what I did apply to.
Belief Buster: Helpful Belief
1.Situation:
I am job searching.
2. Helpful Belief
If I focus on apply to jobs that I feel curious about, then I will remain calm while I’m job searching. If I feel better about what I’m doing, I’ll attract more positive results.
3. Desired Emotion:
‘
Curiosity, Interested, Calm
4. Possible Behavior
Apply to all the jobs that look interesting/intriguing.
Review all jobs related to international recruiting, major gift officer, Arts Librarian, Electronic Resources Librarian, Fundraising at a national/international level included a large territory while working remotely; add these to my job search list after applying to what’s already on list to make deadlines in time.
Review job boards – Jack Farrell & Associates, ERIL, library job boards, Philanthropy Job Board, American Association of University Press jobs.
5. Likely Outcome
I’ll receive more requests for interviews and advance to additional interview rounds
6. First Doable Step
Sit in front of the computer and adjust appropriate resumes/CV: corporate or academic – and apply while adjusting appropriate cover letters.
Sas – definitely interested in your feedback. I was following the numbers in order of the playbook. Per your notes and the video, I think the order is not what’s in the book. So it sounds like the Helpful Belief is actually the last step. Right?
Hey Amanda – thats right the last step is the Helpful Belief.
The idea is that with the Helpful Belief, we look at how we want to feel about the Situation.
Then what feels possible to do, as a result of how we feel – this is what gives us a different outcome.
Once you have the new Emotion, Behaviour and Outcome – you come up with a more Helpful Belief.
The most important thing is that the Helpful Belief is something you already believe!
What I notice about your Helpful Belief is that its describing a lot of things. Its also contingent on something else (if, then).
Something I recommend is to start your Helpful Belief with phrases like: ‘Its safe for me to….’ Or, ‘I wonder….’
Looking at your Situation, you might find these beliefs helpful:
Its safe for me to apply to jobs I am curious about.
Its safe for me to trust that my various passions make me an appealing candidate.
I wonder where the breadth of my experiences will lead me next?
Just notice what already feels true to you – feel free to tweak these to your hearts content!
Remember – what we are doing with the Protective Belief is just slowing down so we can see the impact in response to the Situation.
And the Helpful Belief gives us choices about how to interpret the Situation.
You get to see that there is more than one ‘truth’ at the same time – and you can choose the more Helpful Belief 🙂
How does this land for you Amanda?
Yes, that makes sense. I like that “It’s safe for me to…” statement. I will try that going ahead.